Eoin Colfer - Artemis Fowl. The Opal Deception

‘Because I know what you are thinking,’ Opal had said in a low, tremulous voice. ‘I can see your thoughts swirling around your head. Right now, you’re marvelling at how beautiful I am.’

‘Uncanny,’ gasped Merv, while traitorously wondering if there was a cuckoo flitting about his head at that very moment. Opal was going seriously off the rails with all this changing her species and world domination. He and Scant would have deserted her by now if she hadn’t promised that they could have Barbados when she was queen of the Earth. That and the fact that, if they deserted her now, Opal would add the Brill brothers to her vengeance list.

Merv retreated to the kitchen and continued with his efforts to prepare Miss

Koboi’s food without actually touching it. Another new rule. Meanwhile, Scant was in the cargo bay, checking the detonator relays on the last two shaped charges. One for the job, and one back-up. The charges were about the size of melons but they would make a much bigger mess if they exploded. He checked that the magnetic relay pods were secure on the casings. The relays were standard mining sparker units that would accept the signal from the remote detonator and send a neutron charge into the bellies of the charges.

Scant winked at his brother through the kitchen doorway.

Merv pursed his lips in silent imitation of a cuckoo. Scant nodded wearily. They were both getting tired of Opal’s outrageous behaviour. Only the prospect of drinking pina coladas on the beach in Barbados kept them going.

Opal, oblivious to all the discontent in her camp, popped the video disk into the multi-drive. To watch one’s enemies die in glorious colour and surround-sound was surely one of the greatest assets of technology. Several video windows opened on the screen. Each one represented the view from one of the hemisphere’s cameras.

Opal watched delightedly as Holly and Artemis were driven into the river by a pack of slobbering trolls. She ‘Oohed’ and ‘Aahed’ as they took refuge on the tiny island of corpses. Her tiny heart beat faster as they scaled the Temple scaffolding. She was about to instruct Mervall to fetch her some chocolate truffles from the booty box to go with the movie, when the cameras blacked out.

‘Mervall,’ she squealed, wringing her delicate fingers. ‘Descant! Get in here.’

The Brill brothers rushed into the lounge, handguns drawn.

‘Yes, Miss Koboi?’ said Scant, laying the shaped charges down on a fur-covered lounger.

Opal covered her face. ‘Don’t look at me!’ she ordered.

Scant lowered his eyes. ‘Sorry. No eye contact. I forgot.’

‘And stop thinking that.’

‘Yes, Miss Koboi. Sorry, Miss Koboi.’ Scant had no idea what he was supposed to be thinking, so he tried to blank out everything.

Opal crossed her arms, tapping her fingers on her forearms, until both brothers were bowing before her.

‘Something has gone wrong,’ she said, her voice trembling slightly. ‘Our Temple of Artemis cameras seem to have malfunctioned.’

Merv rewound the footage up to the last image. In it, the trolls were advancing on Artemis and Holly across the Temple roof.

‘It looks like they were done for anyway, Miss Koboi.’

‘Yep,’ agreed Scant. ‘No way out of that one.’

Opal cleared her throat. ‘Firstly, yep is not a word, and I will not be spoken to in slang. New rule. Secondly, I assumed that Artemis Fowl was dead once before, and I spent a year in a coma as a result. We must proceed as though Fowl and Short have survived and are on our trail.’

‘With respect, Miss Koboi,’ said Merv, directing the words at his own toes, ‘this is a stealth shuttle. We didn’t leave a trail.’

‘Moron,’ said Opal casually. ‘Our trail is on every television screen above ground, and doubtless below it. Even if Artemis Fowl were not a genius, he would guess that I am behind the Zito probe. We need to plant the final charge now. How deep is the probe?’

Scant consulted a computer readout. ‘Eighty-eight point two miles. We have another ninety minutes to go to the optimum blast point.’

Opal paced the deck for a few moments. ‘We have not picked up any communication with Police Plaza, so if they are alive, they are alone. Best not to risk it.

We will plant the charge now and guard it. Descant, check the casings again. Mervall, run a systems check on the shuttle — I don’t want a single ion escaping through the hull.’

The pixie twins stepped backwards, bowing as they went. They would do as they were told, but surely the boss was being a bit paranoid.

‘I heard that thought,’ screeched Opal. ‘I am not paranoid!’

Merv stepped behind a steel partition to shield his brainwaves. Had Miss Koboi really intercepted the thought? Or was it just the paranoia again? After all, paranoid people usually believe that everyone thinks they are paranoid. Merv poked his head out from behind the partition and beamed a thought at Opal, just to be sure.

Holly Short is prettier than you, he thought, as loudly as he could. A treasonous thought to be sure, one Opal could hardly fail to pick up on if she could indeed read minds.

Opal stared at him. ‘Mervall?’

‘Yes, Miss Koboi?’

‘You’re looking directly at me. That’s very bad for my skin.’

‘Sorry, Miss Koboi,’ said Merv, averting his eyes, which happened to glance through the cockpit windscreen, towards the mouth of the chute. He was just in time to see an LEP shuttle rise through the holographic rock outcrop that covered the shuttle-bay door. ‘Erm, Miss Koboi, we have a problem.’ He pointed out through the windscreen.

The shuttle had risen to ten metres and was hovering above the Italian landscape, obviously searching for something.

‘They’ve found us,’ said Opal in a horrified whisper. Then she quelled her panic and quickly analysed the situation. ‘That is a transport shuttle, not a pursuit vehicle,’ she noted, walking quickly into the cockpit, closely followed by the twins. ‘We must assume that Artemis Fowl and Captain Short are aboard. They have no weapons and basic scanners. In this poor light, we are virtually invisible to the naked eye. They are blind.’

‘Should we blast them from the skies?’ asked the younger Brill brother eagerly. At last, some of the aggression he had been promised.

‘No,’ replied Opal. ‘A plasma burst would give away our position to human and fairy police satellites. We go silent. Turn off everything. Even life support. I don’t know how they got this close, but the only way they’re going to discover our exact location is to run into us. And if that happens, their sad little shuttle will crumple like cardboard.’

The Brills obeyed promptly, switching off all the shuttle’s systems.

‘Good,’ whispered Opal, placing a slim finger over her lips. They watched the shuttle for several minutes, until Opal decided to break the silence.

‘Whoever is passing wind, please stop it, or I will devise a fitting punishment.’

‘It wasn’t me,’ mouthed the Brill brothers simultaneously. Neither was anxious to find out what the fitting punishment for passing wind was.

E7, TEN MINUTES EARLIER

Holly eased the LEP shuttle through a particularly tricky secondary shaft and into E7. Almost immediately, two red lights began pulsing on the console.

‘The clock is ticking,’ she announced. ‘We just triggered two of Foaly’s sensors.

They’re going to put the shuttle together with the probe and come running.’

‘How long?’ asked Artemis.

Holly calculated in her head. ‘If they come supersonic in the attack shuttle, less than half an hour.’

‘Perfect,’ said Artemis, pleased.

‘I’m glad you think so,’ moaned Mulch. ‘Supersonic LEP officers are never a welcome sight among burglars. As a general rule, we prefer our police officers subsonic.’