Alex Barclay - The Drowning Child

Ren shook her head. ‘Stop. I get it. I know what you’re saying. Don’t tiptoe around me or I will shoot myself in the ass. Just, be normal. Please don’t look at me like I’m a victim. I can’t deal with that. Relax in the knowledge that I know you’re not an insensitive prick.’

‘OK,’ said Paul. ‘OK. I’m sorry. Thanks.’

‘No need to be,’ said Ren. Tears welled in her eyes again. ‘Ugh. This is getting ridiculous.’

‘Stop...’

‘I just... lost so many people I loved,’ said Ren.

Paul reached out and squeezed her hand. She looked up at him through tears.

At least I have you.

‘Well, I’m still here,’ said Paul. He blushed. ‘Not saying that you love me, or loved me, but, I just mean... what’s wrong with me tonight?’

Ren laughed, and wiped her eyes.

Of course I loved you. In my own special and fearful way. But I have no idea what it is I’m feeling right now.

Safe?

‘You... unsettle me, Ren Bryce.’

‘Jesus.’

‘Maybe I like being unsettled.’

Ren laughed. I beg to differ.

‘Why are you laughing?’ said Paul.

‘It was just your delivery...’

She checked her watch. It was 11 p.m. ‘OK, I’m wide awake. I’m going to take a drive.’

‘What?’ said Paul. ‘Now?’

Ren nodded. ‘Every second counts.’

And every second out there is one less second I spend alone in my bed with nothing but my own mind to fuck me.

‘Do you want company?’ said Paul.

Mos def not. ‘No, thank you.’

Ren drove out of the parking lot and read the sign: left was Tate, right was Lake Verny.

The Crow Bar will still be open. I can ask about John Veir, I can check out Seth Fuller.

I can throw myself into the beautiful, icy, moonlit water.

Seth Fuller stood on the bottom step of The Crow Bar, clutching the handrail. Eyes closed, he sucked air through his nose, held it, exhaled slowly through his mouth – 7-11 breathing: he had been taught how to do this by the psychologist at BRCI. He had been embarrassed at first, sitting in front of this nerdy guy, Lockwood, in his brown round-neck sweater and red shirt, closing his eyes and counting in for seven, counting out for eleven.

‘You’ve got this, Seth,’ Lockwood used to say. ‘And if you’ve got this, you’ll see... you’ve got the rest of your life.’

Seth thought it was a pretty sweeping statement, but he liked the idea of having the rest of his life. He just wasn’t sure if he really did, and that, if so, he’d ever be able to breathe properly through it.

He leaned hard on the handrail and vaulted up the steps. He walked into the bar, pulled a fifty-dollar note out of his back pocket and slapped it on to the counter in front of Shannon. He nodded toward Clyde Brimmer.

Shannon frowned. ‘Where did you get that?’

Seth smiled his lazy smile. ‘I choose to take no offense at the tone of your remark.’

‘I’m serious.’

‘Don’t be,’ said Seth. ‘A friend of a friend of a friend.’

Shannon rolled her eyes, but there was anger in them. ‘You better not be—’

‘I’m not be,’ said Seth. ‘Don’t worry.’

‘Goddammit,’ said Shannon. ‘The town is crawling with police.’

‘Well, if it helps,’ said Seth, ‘I won it playing pool with the police. Gil Wiley. You can ask him yourself.’

‘Jesus, Seth – why do you have to create mysteries for no reason?’ said Shannon. ‘What’s the point? “Friend of a friend of a friend.” Why would you want to cause more stress for me than I’m already under?’

‘I’m sorry, Aunt Shannon. I wasn’t thinking...’

‘I worry,’ she said. ‘So easily now. I get these spikes of anxiety in my chest and once they’re dug in there, they’re real hard to get rid of.’ She touched a hand to his cheek, but didn’t let it stay there long. ‘And shouldn’t Wiley be taking care of things at home instead of out playing pool with—’

‘It’s escaping home that Wiley’s interested in,’ said Seth.

‘Not to mention he has an investigation to run.’

‘Wiley is no investigation-runner,’ said Seth. ‘He’ll never be anything more than a sidekick. And he knows it.’

He pushed the fifty closer to Shannon.

‘And why are you paying for Clyde’s drinks, anyway, big shot?’ said Shannon.

‘Out of pity,’ said Seth. ‘But Clyde doesn’t mind pity. He is unconcerned with the emotion behind a gesture. A fresh drink materializes before his swimming eyes? Well, that’s as pure a gesture as anything, far as he’s concerned – a single, welcome moment that doesn’t need to be weighed down by history or motive or rationale. A beer’s a beer.’

‘A beer’s a beer,’ said Shannon. She put a bottle of Bud down in front of him. ‘How did the search go today?’

She poured a whiskey for Clyde.

‘Well, no one found anything,’ said Seth. ‘But you get the sense they put the volunteers in places where they don’t really think they’re going to find anything, so they won’t screw up the evidence.’

‘Probably,’ said Shannon.

‘And I got nothing out of Wiley afterward,’ said Seth. ‘Even when he was wasted. I tried to pump him for information, but nothing.’

‘You shouldn’t be showing so much interest,’ said Shannon. ‘You know that doesn’t look good.’

‘I’ve got nothing to worry about,’ said Seth. He paused. ‘Then again, how many times did I hear that in prison?’

The door opened wide, and their heads jerked toward it.

Seth’s eyes lit up. He turned back to Shannon. ‘Introducing the future Mrs Seth Fuller...’

Well, isn’t The Crow Bar a charming and battered little place? And why is Seth Fuller staring at me?

Seth nodded at Ren, then walked over to the pool table with a look that told her he would like to appear mysterious.

I would eat you alive.

Ren went to the bar. ‘Shannon Fuller? I’m Ren Bryce, I’m with the FBI—’

Shannon nodded. ‘Hi. Is there any word on Caleb?’

‘No,’ said Ren. ‘Not yet. Would you mind if we talked here? I just have a couple of things I’d like to ask you.’

Shannon frowned. ‘You work late. Sure – take a seat. Can I get you a drink?’

‘ A Coke would be great, thank you.’

Caffeine... after 11 p.m. Great.

There were four customers across three tables in the bar, and two guys playing pool, one of whom was Seth. Ren looked out the window to the lake.

Nothing like a bright moon sparkling on black water.

This is where her son drowned. How does she come here every day?

Shannon set down the Coke.

‘Thank you,’ said Ren. She took a long drink. ‘I was very sorry to hear that you lost your son.’

Shannon nodded. ‘Thanks.’

‘I can’t imagine the pain you’re going through. To lose a child...’

‘It’s hard to know what to say, isn’t it?’ said Shannon. ‘There’s nothing worse. I’m just here to pay the bills. That’s it. I feel that’s all I’ll be doing for the rest of my life. Showing up to pay the bills.’

‘I wish I didn’t have to bother you at a time like this,’ said Ren, ‘but—’

‘It’s OK,’ said Shannon. ‘Anything I can do...’ She looked down at the floor. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t help with the search today—’

‘Please,’ said Ren, ‘no one would have expected you to. And there were plenty of volunteers.’

Shannon looked at her, her eyes filling with tears. ‘I couldn’t bear the idea that I might find his body. I couldn’t bear it. I’m hoping to God he’s alive, obviously – that goes without saying, I hope – but if he isn’t... I...’ She shook her head.