Nikki Owen - Spider in the Corner of the Room

When I arrive at the suite, I stop, observe. Beyond the entrance is the Governor’s red door and, ahead of me, two guards. One to the left, the other directly outside the office suite entrance.

I look to guard one. ‘I want to see the Governor.’

She raises an eyebrow. ‘You’re kidding, right?’

‘No. Why would I be kidding? I want to see the Governor.’

The other guard approaches and thrusts two fists to his hips. ‘Problem?’

‘Martinez wants to see the Governor.’

The second guard laughs. ‘You got an appointment?’

‘No,’ I say. I keep my eyes fixed on Balthus’s office. ‘I need to see the Governor.’ Balthus’s office door opens.

‘Hey!’ I shout to him.

‘Martinez, leave,’ the guard says.

Balthus is in the corridor. ‘The Governor is leaving his office,’ I say, fast. ‘Tell him I need to see him. Tell him.’

‘You need to see him, do you?’ the second guard says. ‘Oh, well, in that case, go right on in.’

‘Oh. Okay,’ and I place my hand on the door to enter.

The first guard’s arm blocks the way. ‘What the hell are you doing?’

‘Going right on in, like you said.’

The guard grabs my arm. ‘Okay, time to leave.’

I shake him off.

‘Hey!’ he shouts. He grips both my wrists.

At the feel of his hands on my skin I turn to stone. ‘Get off me.’

‘You’ve crossed the line, Martinez.’

I look through the window. Balthus is there. ‘Governor!’ I have to grip on to this chance, it may be my only one. ‘Governor!’ I shout.

I see Balthus halt; then, squinting at me, he begins to stride towards us. A flicker of hope. A buzzer sounds. The double doors swing open.

‘What is going on?’ Balthus stands, looming large in the doorway.

The guard keeps hold of my wrists. ‘This inmate wanted to see you without an appointment, sir. She was getting agitated.’

‘Let go of her.’

The guard hesitates. ‘Sir…’

‘I said let go of her!’

The guard drops his hands.

I rub my wrists. This is it. This is where I take a gamble on a man I do not know if I can trust, but one that appears to, somehow, be acquainted with my mother, so does that mean he is trustworthy? I look at the Governor and realise that, whatever I conclude, my road has run out. I have nowhere else to go. ‘I need to see you,’ I say finally. ‘It is urgent. It is concerning something called Project Callidus. There are people after me in here. I am not safe.’

Balthus holds my gaze. After two seconds, he narrows his eyes and says, ‘Come through.’ He presses the buzzer. The door swings wide. I finally exhale.

Balthus looks to the guards. ‘As you were.’

Kurt lowers his pen. ‘Maria, you are familiar with the term paranoia, yes?’

We have been here a while now, in this Banana Room, with the doubt and heat and the sickly smells. The scent of the sugar is causing my head to ache, my stomach to churn. I touch my scalp; sweating, hair matted slightly. Kurt has been asking me strange questions in this peculiar room; it is forcing my senses into overdrive.

‘Paranoia,’ he is saying, ‘is a psychological condition. Typical symptoms include delusions of persecution, unnecessary jealousy and inflated self-importance.’

I keep one hand on my head. ‘I am not paranoid.’

‘Really?’

I clench my jaw and try not to breathe in the sweetness, try not to show my panic.

‘From all the notes I have received about you,’ he says, ‘I would say that you have a distinct tendency to be paranoid. Dr Andersson’s notes detail-’

‘She is not who she appears to be.’

Kurt shakes his head. ‘Listen to yourself, Maria. If you want to get better, if you want to learn how to deal with what has happened to you and try to create a better future for yourself, you have to listen to me.’ He links his fingers. ‘You need to stop thinking everyone is against you. They are not. What has happened to you in prison has been very traumatic for you, you more than most because of your Asperger’s. Prison has distressed you.’

I touch my scalp. ‘I…I didn’t realise at first, the impact prison had. I would get upset so easily and that is not like me. I am normally in-’

‘In control?’

I go still. In control. I like to be in control. The phrase smacks me on the cheek, a harsh reality of self.

‘Prison has made you more prone to outbursts of feelings,’ Kurt says. ‘That would be the trauma, the wrench of being confined, the shock of the conviction, the experience. But not only that. Your memory has also been affected by it all-prison, denial, even grief of your father’s distant death, as Dr Andersson highlighted. And as a consequence? Your judgement is impaired. And you agreed to see me. A counsellor with a proven track record of helping people like you.’ He leans forward. ‘So when, for example, you enquire why the yellow note from earlier was blank, all I can say is take a long hard look in the mirror, and ask yourself this: what can I do to get myself better?’

I frown, confused. ‘You said, “I”. Are you referring to me or you?’

Kurt slams his hand on the chair rest. I jump, hold my breath. What happened? Kurt runs a hand through his hair. Then, rolling his shoulders, slips on a smile. ‘I mean you, Maria,’ he says, his voice softer now. ‘What can you do to get better?’

He sits back, picks up the Dictaphone. ‘Okay. You are going to talk now. Clear?’

But I remain very still, scared to move. He was angry. Was he? I think so. And if he was, then that is the first time, the first time he has lost his temper. The first time he has lost control.

The mask is slipping.

Balthus closes the door and turns to me. ‘What’s going on? You’re not supposed to do what you did out there.’

My heart beats fast. Something has happened to put me in here, in prison. So, I have to do something to get myself out. There is a choice to make. I have to decide who to ask for help. And who to avoid.

Balthus stands very still like an oak tree, firm, strong. ‘You said you were not safe. Who has been speaking to you?’

‘Bobbie Reynolds.’

He blinks once, but says nothing, just lets his eyes flicker to the side then back to me, his body solid, unmoving. After two seconds, he steps back, clears his throat. ‘Please sit.’

I lower myself into a chair by his desk, place my notebook in my lap and wait. When he finally sits, he feels less looming, more honey-like, natural. But honey is made by bees, and bees can sting.

Balthus unbuttons his jacket, white shirt against tan skin, and levels his gaze at me. ‘You mentioned something called Callidus, just now, at the main doors.’ His index finger taps the table.

I nod.

‘Did Bobbie Reynolds mention that word, too?’

‘Yes. After I did, but yes.’

Balthus looks at me, but says nothing. The clock on the wall ticks, the shelves stand to attention by the walls.

‘I believe her,’ I say.

‘Believe who? Bobbie? Let me show you something.’ Leaning to the side, he taps his computer. A printer to his left whirrs to life. He reaches over, lifts the ink-warm paper that has emerged and slides it to me.

‘What is this?’

‘Read.’

Slowly, I take it, suddenly unsure, nervous. I scan the paper. It is a psychiatric evaluation on Bobbie. Therapist reports, crime sheet, family background. The words ‘cold’, ‘manipulative’, ‘charming’ repeat like markers, like bumps in the road. And then the final conclusion the report gives: that Bobbie is a psychopath. My head starts to shake. It can’t be true. I refuse to believe it’s true.

‘This means nothing.’ I shove the report aside, not wanting to accept it because if Bobbie is making it all up, if she is unhinged, manipulative, then I will be left with the gaping truth staring me in the face: nobody put me in here. I put myself in prison. Because I killed the priest.