Hilary Bonner - When the Dead Cry Out

It was quite a speech for Karen, and it was the truth. Phil Cooper looked as surprised as she had been earlier. He shook his head.

“Is that really what you thought, boss?”

“Phil, for Christ’s sake, will you stop calling me boss? Under the circumstances it makes me feel even worse.”

Cooper managed a wry smile. “Sorry,” he muttered, for the umpteenth time. He took a big white handkerchief from his trouser pocket and blew his nose noisily. The handkerchief had been neatly pressed and folded, by his wife, no doubt. Only men who had wives who did that sort of thing for them were likely to carry carefully ironed real cloth handkerchiefs around with them.

She watched in silence, determined not to get too carried away. The handkerchief had been a timely reminder. Whatever he said, whatever he professed to feel for her, he was still a married man who had shown great reluctance to follow up their night together.

It was a minute or two before Phil began to talk again, his voice quite calm now. “I’d better tell you about me,” he began. “I’m not like the others.”

Well, that was original, she thought, trying desperately to remain at least a little cynical.

“You see...” He looked uncertain, sounded as if he couldn’t get the words out. “You see, I met my wife when we were both very young. She was sixteen and I was seventeen. We were both virgins. We became best friends and eventually lovers and before either of us knew where we were we were married. I was barely twenty. Neither of us had been to bed with anyone else.”

Another pause. Karen waited again.

“The thing is, Karen, that was still how it was until you, until us...”

He really couldn’t get the words out. Karen was confused. He couldn’t possibly mean what he seemed to mean, could he?

“I don’t quite understand,” she said. “What are you trying to tell me?”

“I’m trying to tell you that you are the only woman I have ever been to bed with except my wife. I’ve always been faithful to her. But it’s not something you let onto in a police station. Most of the guys would think that there was something wrong with you.”

With a different sort of man Karen might have thought this was a chat-up line. There was, however, absolutely no chance that Cooper was being anything other than devastatingly truthful. She somehow did not doubt that for one minute. And she could see that he hadn’t finished what he was saying. She waited in stunned silence for him to continue, to drop a further bombshell, maybe.

“I don’t mess around, Karen. I never have and I never will. This thing that happened between us, it didn’t happen by chance. It wasn’t a game. I don’t know about you, I can’t guess about you. You keep things so close to your chest. But for me it had been building up for some time.”

“I tried very hard not to let myself do anything about it. I didn’t know how you felt but I bloody well knew how I felt. I knew it was important before it happened, and when it did happen, well, it was probably the most momentous thing in my life. I’ve never felt anything like it, Karen. Yes, OK, I told myself afterwards that it must never happen again. But I just knew in that instant when we first touched how special we were, that there was something between us that I may well have been looking for all my life.”

He stopped. He looked uncertain now, perhaps regretting already that he had said so much. Karen touched his face, then took his hand and squeezed it in a gesture of reassurance. No, not a gesture. She wanted desperately to reassure him, to bring him comfort. The time had come even for her to be honest. She had tried not to admit to herself what she really felt. In the face of this extraordinary outburst of emotion, this extraordinary display of trust in her, this candid declaration of love, she could do nothing, for once in her life, other than be totally honest about the depth of her feelings.

“It’s all right, Phil,” she said. “It’s the same for me.”

“Really?” His voice was very small.

“Really. From the beginning of ‘us.’ As you say, maybe even from before that. But I thought it wasn’t like that for you. When you didn’t want to speak to me the next morning I didn’t know what to do. I was devastated. You had really hurt me and I just wanted to hurt you. That was why I kept sniping at you. I am sorry.”

“Don’t be. I understand. I can see how it must have looked.”

“Yes, well. Why, though? Why couldn’t you at least have talked to me the next morning?”

Cooper gave a little grunt.

“I’d just sent my children to school. I’d just had breakfast with my wife. I don’t cheat, Karen. I don’t do it. It might seem old-fashioned, but there it is. When I saw you in the car park I just wanted to take you in my arms. But I couldn’t. I just didn’t dare respond at all. So I decided I had to try to walk away. Turn my back on you. It was all I felt capable of.”

“Guilt, then? That old friend.”

“No.” Cooper sounded mildly surprised at his own reply. “I didn’t feel guilty. I don’t feel guilty. I don’t think it comes with this particular territory, not when you’re being absolutely honest, not when you’re being true to yourself.” He managed a small smile. “Fear more than guilt, I think.”

“And are you still afraid?”

“Terrified.” This time he beamed at her, that big wide smile which seemed to have done something permanent to her heartstrings.

“Me too,” she said. There was a warm glow inside her, though. She knew she was possibly about to embark on a dangerous journey, but she could not help herself.

“I do feel the same. I felt it from the beginning as well. I think I love you, too, Phil.”

He stared at her for a few seconds, then wrapped his arms around her and kissed her full on the lips, long and hard. It was fast and passionate. Just like the first time he had grabbed hold of her. She felt a kind of shudder run through her body. She didn’t know what it was. She had never felt it before.

“Did you — did you feel that?” she stumbled.

“Yes, oh, yes,” he murmured into her ear.

“So, what was it?”

“I have no idea. I think the earth moved.”

“What, with just a kiss?”

“There’s something special between us, Karen. Something rare. Something I can’t stay away from anymore, can’t waste. That’s why I’m here tonight.”

“I know.”

He kissed her eyelids and her nose and her lips very lightly, all the while stroking her hair, in much the same way as he had when he’d put her to sleep like a child that first night. She was equally moved. She dissolved into his arms.

“Will you take me to bed now?” he asked.

“Is that what you really came for?” She was aware of a certain edge to her voice. An edge of uncertainty, an edge of suspicion. But then, it was new for her to really trust someone, particularly in this situation. She couldn’t help questioning still, just a little.

He kissed her eyelids again.

“No, that’s not what I really came for,” he said. Then he grinned, lightening the moment. “Well, it’s certainly not all I came for. I love you, Karen Meadows, detective superintendent of this parish. I really love you. I wanted to tell you all that I’ve told you, and now I’ll settle just for holding you if you want. It’s more than enough. It really is.”

Karen pulled his mouth onto hers and kissed long and hard, savouring the flavour of him, breathing in his scent.

“Don’t you dare,” she whispered into his ear. “I don’t think it’s enough for me. Not nearly enough.”

“So what do you want me to do about it?”

“I want you to fuck me. And I don’t care whether we do it in bed or right here.”