Sophie Hannah - A Game for All the Family

Chapter 7

A Bumcracker Dies

Lisette, Allisande and Perrine never went back to school. It took nearly six months for Bascom and Sorrel Ingrey to make Speedwell House completely safe for the protection of Perrine and all of them. They got rid of the rickety old wooden gate at the end of the long driveway, which hadn’t closed properly for years, and replaced it with a pair of enormous tall gates with a strong lock. These gates looked like wood but had metal inside them. A high wall was built all around the grounds, enclosing the land owned by the Ingreys. As if all this wasn’t enough, there was also electrified barbed wire and the best alarm system that modern technology could provide.

Bars and grilles were fitted over all the windows so that light could get in but nothing else would stand a chance. The front and back doors already had locks on them, but several more were added, as well as chains, bolts and alarms.

Bascom and Sorrel didn’t want to risk using local tradesmen, so they arranged for all the laborers and experts they needed to be brought in on a bus from Nottingham, which was far enough away for Sorrel to be certain that no one there would have heard of Perrine or what she had done. As well as sorting out the house, these workmen also doubled as guards. Until Speedwell House and its grounds were impossible to breach, there was a risk, and all those men knew that their job was to keep their eyes peeled for dangerous intruders, or even harmless-looking ones, because often they are the most dangerous of all.

For six months, the Ingrey family lived with locksmiths, wall-builders and barbed-wire specialists all around them. Sorrel had to teach her three daughters art, drama, literature, film studies and creative writing with drilling and hammering going on all around her. She adapted by making the girls do sketches of carpenters and welders at work, and encouraging them to write stories in which families have to shut themselves away behind inscrutable gates for a variety of reasons. For film studies, she made them watch a movie called The Money Pit on video (this was the popular way of watching films in that era). The Money Pit is about a couple who are forced to cohabit with loads of workmen while they have their wreck of a house done up.

The tradesmen who were sorting out Speedwell House did not sleep in the house with the Ingrey family. They slept under blankets and in sleeping bags on the two buses that had brought them to Devon from Nottingham. This wasn’t because there was no room in the house, nor was it because there were no local hostelries that would take them. The workmen slept on the buses because Bascom and Sorrel Ingrey had made another of their famous compromises! Sorrel didn’t want the men to stay in the pubs and hotels nearby, in case they heard tell of the murderous Perrine and decided to use their saws and soldering irons to attack her instead of to attend to the fabric of the building. Bascom didn’t want the workforce sleeping in his home in case some of them sneaked into his daughters’ rooms and molested them. True, all the laborers from Nottingham seemed absolutely lovely, but one could never tell, said Bascom.

So, in order to keep both him and his wife happy, the men had to sleep on the buses.

All the lessons, it had been decided, would take place in Speedwell House’s library, but even the insulation provided by books as fat as War and Peace and Dombey and Son wasn’t enough to absorb all the clanging and banging from the workmen, so Lisette, Allisande and Perrine had to try to concentrate on their studies with a dreadful racket going on all around them. Perrine was her usual sullen self, so there was no change there. Lisette and Allisande were the ones who changed. They had always been sunny-natured before, but now their abject misery was etched upon their faces quite unmistakably. They hated the noise, they missed their best friends from school, and they were distracted from their studies by the sweaty bottoms of the workmen, who didn’t seem to know how to make their trousers go up as far as their waists. Lisette and Allisande didn’t understand this at all. Surely someone who can cover a sash window with an elaborate metal structure should not find it too hard to conceal the whole of his bum crack?

(I apologize for the vulgarity, but it is necessary for what I’m about to tell you: within days of the buses from Nottingham arriving, Lisette and Allisande Ingrey had given the workmen a collective nickname: the bumcrackers.)

Lisette, a conscientious girl who was still hoping, somehow, to be able to do her A-levels and go to university, applied herself to her studies in spite of everything, and became even cleverer and more knowledgeable than she’d been before. Allisande, who was naturally more of a skiver and a coaster-along, did as little as possible. She was thrilled to find that, during Sorrel’s lessons, it was generally possible to do nothing at all. The trend of watching videos, which had started quite legitimately with The Money Pit as part of film studies, soon spread to all of Sorrel’s lessons. Lisette complained bitterly when a double art lesson involved nothing more than watching the movie Vertigo , which features a painting and includes a scene in an art gallery. She complained again when drama lessons were taken up with watching An Officer and a Gentleman and American Gigolo (Sorrel loved the actor Richard Gere).

Fortunately for Lisette, her father’s lessons contained no such indulgences. Bascom Ingrey taught the girls maths, English language, history, geography, French, Spanish and science. Or at least he tried to. Bascom found it much harder than Sorrel did to concentrate with the bumcrackers making a din all around him. Unlike his wife, he was not a go-with-the-flow sort of person who secretly wanted to watch videos all day. He was determined that the girls should learn more at home than they ever did at school. He wanted them to improve their minds and characters.

One Tuesday, he lost his cool during a history lesson. He was trying to explain to the girls about Bismarck and the Dreikaiserbund, when one of the bumcrackers suddenly appeared in the library: a young man with fair hair and flaky patches of skin under his eyes, as if a load of croissant crumbs had fallen off his eyelashes and landed just underneath.

Entering the library was strictly not allowed; all of the bumcrackers had been instructed never to interrupt lessons. Without apologizing for bursting in, this young man said to Bascom, “Need yah to hold a piece of wood in place for me, mate. Won’t take long.”

Bascom turned purple with rage. Apart from anything else, he didn’t think being a manual laborer was any excuse for using incomplete sentences. He stormed out of the library, marched upstairs and locked himself in his bedroom until he’d calmed down. On his way up the stairs, the girls had heard him shout, “Sorrel! Can you take over? I’m too angry to teach!”

“I’ll hold your piece of wood for you,” Perrine volunteered, and she was soon following the flaky-eyed bumcracker out of the room. “Nice one, darling!” Lisette and Allisande heard him say, and they realized that they had never before—not since Malachy Dodd’s death and not before it either—heard anyone say anything so nice and appreciative to Perrine. Then again, they had never heard her selflessly offer to do anyone a favor either.

Strangely, it did not occur to them that Perrine might not have volunteered to help the bumcracker for kind or noble reasons. They were too shocked to think about it. Their father had not only abandoned a history lesson, but also suggested that their mother take over, when he knew perfectly well that Sorrel dismissed history as “a big bowl of yawns.” Lisette and Allisande were afraid that Bascom might be having a nervous breakdown.