Стюарт Вудс - Shakeup

She kissed him on the shoulder and got no response. She pinched him on the ass, hard, and still, no response. She got him turned onto his back and felt his neck for a pulse: strong and steady. He coughed, and his eyelids fluttered.

“Stone, wake up,” Felicity commanded, pinching his cheeks.

“Not now,” he muttered. She slapped him smartly across the face. This time he responded, getting himself up on one elbow. “What the hell?”

“That’s my question exactly,” she said. “What are you doing downstairs and naked in the library?” Then she spotted the gun next to a chair leg. She helped him to his feet and into the chair. She thought of offering him a brandy, but decided that was not the thing to do; she wanted him awake, not drunk. She picked up the pistol, then expertly popped the magazine, racked the slide, and put down the hammer. “There, now you can’t shoot me.”

“Why would I want to shoot you?” Stone asked, rubbing his eyes.

“Why would you come downstairs, naked and armed?”

He thought about that and failed to come up with an answer. Dino walked into the library clad in a guest-room dressing gown, and saw Stone naked. “Jesus, Stone, you’ve got a perfectly good bed upstairs. What are you doing here?”

“He was out like a light when I came in. This was lying nearby,” Felicity said, handing Dino the reassembled weapon.

“Who were you planning to shoot?” Dino asked him, dropping the pistol into the pocket of his dressing gown.

“He must have heard someone in the house,” Felicity said.

“I must have heard something,” Stone repeated tonelessly. He made a face and put a hand behind his head.

Felicity took the hand away and looked at his neck. “He’s been coshed,” she said.

“Is that some kind of a sex thing?” Dino asked.

“It’s a club,” she said. “He’s been clubbed into unconsciousness.”

“You want a drink, Stone?” Dino asked.

“That’s not what he needs,” Felicity said. “Can you walk, Stone?”

“Of course I can walk,” Stone said, rising from the chair, then falling back into it.

“Let’s get him upstairs,” Dino said. He and Felicity each took an arm, got him to his feet, and marched him to the elevator. Upstairs, they got him into bed.

“I’ll take care of him,” Felicity said.

“I don’t doubt it,” Dino replied.

“You go back to bed, Dino.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Dino replied, then left the room.

Felicity went into Stone’s bathroom, found a hand towel and got some ice from the machine in the bar. She wrapped up a handful of ice, then went back to the bed and tucked it under Stone’s head. “That should make it feel better by the morning,” she said.

She slipped out of her dressing gown and found the button that turned off all the lights, then got into bed.

Eddie made it back to Belgrave Square with no problems, parked the car, then got Alfie upstairs and onto his bed.

His wife got out of bed in her nightgown. “What’s happened?” she asked. “Has Alfie had a stroke?”

“No,” Eddie replied, “he accidentally received an injection intended for a dog.”

“What dog?”

“There wasn’t one. Just let him sleep it off.” He helped her get Alfie’s clothes off and found the dart in his leg. He pulled it out and held it up. “He shot himself with this.” Eddie went back to the car and removed the bag with the pictures and his raincoat from the car, put them in Alfie’s study, then went back upstairs to bed. Nice payday coming, he reminded himself, as he drifted off.

Stone opened his eyes and put a hand to the back of his neck. It was wet, and there was a towel there. He looked at Felicity’s side of the bed and found it empty.

She swept into the room from her bath, naked, and opened the curtains, filling the room with sunlight. “How are you feeling?” she asked, sitting down beside him and taking the towel from him.

“My neck hurts,” he said, sitting up and turning his head back and forth slowly.

“You were coshed,” she said.

“What?”

“Struck with a club or a blackjack. Apparently you heard something in the night, got a gun, and went downstairs. You probably disturbed one or more burglars at work and got coshed by one of them. I couldn’t find another mark on your body. Dino and I got you to bed, and I put an ice pack behind your neck.”

“Ah,” Stone said, as if he understood, but he didn’t. “The last thing I remember is you on top of me.”

“What a sweet thought,” she said, smoothing his hair.

“I can’t remember anything else.”

“It will come back to you in pieces,” she said. “That’s the way of these things.”

There was a knock at the door; Felicity got into her dressing gown and pulled the covers over Stone. “Coming!” She allowed the breakfast cart to be pushed into the room, then dismissed the butler, and she and Stone had breakfast.

“I want to see what’s missing from downstairs,” Stone said, when they were done.

Felicity got him a dressing gown and went downstairs with him.

He looked around the room.

“Anything missing or awry?” she asked.

“Not that I can see.” He sank into a chair.

“Are you feeling all right?” she asked.

“I think so,” he said, rubbing his neck again.

“Let me know if you feel nauseated,” she said. “That often happens after a blow to the head.”

Stone got up and walked over to where his mother’s paintings were hung and inspected them closely. “I think they’re in the wrong order,” he said, “but I’m still a little groggy.”

Felicity looked at the pictures. “They look the same to me,” she said. “Are you sure?”

“No,” Stone replied.

“I think you could do with a bit more bed rest,” she said, and led him back upstairs and tucked him in. “There,” she said, kissing him on the forehead. “Sleep. I’ll wake you for lunch.”

Alfie came downstairs and joined Eddie for lunch. The ladies were shopping.

“How are you feeling?” Eddie asked.

“Much better,” Alfie said. He leaned close to Eddie. “You could have killed him, you know. When you kick a man who’s unconscious in the head, he has no defenses, can’t see it coming. He can’t even tense up to take the blow. You could have very easily broken his neck.”

“I’m sorry,” Eddie said

“You also made me shoot myself in the leg.”

Eddie shrugged. “All my fault.”

“What did you do after I passed out?”

“I put the fakes in the frames and reattached them, then I tidied up, hoisted you on my shoulder, took the bag and tools, and got out of there.”

“Was the naked man still out?”

“Completely. I didn’t mess with him. I got you back to the car and drove us home.”

“In that case, we’re lucky to be alive.”

“Don’t worry, I was careful to stay on the wrong side of the road.”

“You mean, the left side of the road.”

“Oh, yeah. What do we do now?”

“We get paid, and you go back to the States.”

“I may still be hot there.”

“You said they didn’t even have a charge against you.”

Eddie told him the story of his court appearance.

“They won’t bother with you again,” Alfie said, confidently. “As you say, they don’t have a charge, except the one you’ve already pled to, and the judge has suspended your sentence. The courts are too busy to mess with those things. You’re a free man.”

“How do we get paid?” Eddie asked.

“I’ve phoned my man. His bloke will arrive here at two o’clock, and we’ll be paid.”

“In cash?”

“That’s how it’s done, my son, unless you’d rather have a check.”