Paula Hawkins - Into the Water

She looked at me, wordless; she didn’t seem to be able to speak. Instead she held out her hand, her fingers unfurling to reveal the treasure inside – a little silver bracelet with an onyx clasp – and then she found her voice.

‘She didn’t jump,’ she said, her eyes glittering. I felt the temperature in the room plummet. ‘Mum didn’t leave me. She didn’t jump.’

Lena

I STOOD IN the shower for a long time with the water as hot as I could stand it. I wanted to scour my skin, I wanted the whole of the past day and night and week and month washed off me. I wanted him washed off me, his filthy house and his fists and the stink of him, his breath, his blood.

Julia was kind to me when I got home. She wasn’t faking, she was obviously glad that I was back, she was worried about me. She seemed to think that Mark had assaulted me, like she maybe thought he was some sort of pervert who couldn’t keep his hands off teenage girls. I’ll give him this: he was right about one thing – people don’t understand about him and K, they never will.

(There’s a tiny, twisted part of me that sort of wishes I believed in an afterlife, and that the two of them could pick up again there, and maybe things might be all right for them, and she’d be happy. As much as I hate him, I’d like to think that somehow Katie could be happy.)

When I felt clean, or at least as close to clean as I thought it was possible to get, I went to my room and sat on the window sill, because that’s where I do all my best thinking. I lit a cigarette and tried to figure out what I should do. I wanted to ask Mum, I wanted to ask her so badly, but I couldn’t think about that because I’d just start crying again, and what good would that be to her? I didn’t know whether to tell Julia what Mark had told me. Whether I could trust her to do the right thing.

Maybe. When I told Julia that Mum didn’t jump, I expected her to tell me that I was wrong or crazy or whatever, but she just accepted it. Without question. Like she knew already. Like she’d always known.

I don’t even know if the shit Mark told me is true, though it would be a pretty weird thing to make up. Why point the finger at Mrs Townsend, when there are more obvious people to blame? Like Louise, for example. But maybe he feels bad enough about the Whittakers, after what he’s done to them.

I don’t know whether he was lying or telling the truth, but either way he deserved what I said to him, what I did. He deserved everything he got.

Jules

WHEN LENA CAME back downstairs, her face and hands scrubbed clean, she sat at the kitchen table and ate, ravenously. Afterwards, when she smiled and said thank you, I shivered, because now that I have seen it, I can’t un-see it. She has her father’s smile.

(What else, I wondered, does she have of his?)

‘What’s wrong?’ Lena asked suddenly. ‘You’re staring at me.’

‘I’m sorry,’ I said, my face reddening. ‘I’m just … I’m glad you’re home. I’m glad you’re safe.’

‘Me too.’

I hesitated a moment before going on. ‘I know you’re tired, but I need to ask you, Lena, about what happened today. About the bracelet.’

She turned her face from me towards the window. ‘Yeah. I know.’

‘Mark had it?’ She nodded again. ‘And you took it from him?’

She sighed. ‘He gave it to me.’

‘Why did he give it to you? Why did he have it in the first place?’

‘I don’t know.’ She turned her head back to face me, her eyes blank, shuttered. ‘He told me he found it.’

‘He found it? Where?’ She didn’t answer. ‘Lena, we need to go to the police about this, we need to tell them.’

She got to her feet and took her plate over to the sink. Her back to me, she said, ‘We made a deal.’

‘A deal?’

‘That he would give me Mum’s bracelet and let me go home,’ she said, ‘so long as I told the police that I’d lied about him and Katie.’ Her voice was incongruously light as she busied herself with the dishes.

‘And he believed you would do that?’ She raised her skinny shoulders to her ears. ‘Lena. Tell me the truth. Do you think … do you believe Mark Henderson was the one who killed your mum?’

She turned around and looked at me. ‘I’m telling the truth. And I don’t know. He told me he took it from Mrs Townsend’s office.’

‘Helen Townsend?’ Lena nodded. ‘Sean’s wife? Your head teacher? But why would she have the bracelet? I don’t understand …’

‘Neither do I,’ she said quietly. ‘Not really.’

I made tea and we sat together at the kitchen table, sipping our drinks in silence. I held Nel’s bracelet in my hand. Lena sat loose-limbed, her head bowed, visibly sagging in front of me. I reached out and grazed her fingers with my own.

‘You’re exhausted,’ I said. ‘You should go to bed.’

She nodded, looking up at me with hooded eyes. ‘Will you come up with me, please? I don’t want to be by myself.’

I followed her up the stairs and into your room, not her own. She clambered on to your bed and lay her head on the pillow, patting the space next to her.

‘When we first moved here,’ she said, ‘I couldn’t sleep by myself.’

‘All the noises?’ I asked, clambering up next to her and covering us with your coat.

She nodded. ‘All the creaking and the moaning …’

‘And all your mother’s scary stories?’

‘Exactly. I used to come in here and sleep next to Mum all the time.’

There was a lump in my throat, a pebble. I couldn’t swallow. ‘I used to do that with my mum, too.’

She fell asleep. I stayed at her side, looking down at her face, which in repose was yours exactly . I wanted to touch her, to stroke her hair, to do something motherly, but I didn’t want to wake her, or alarm her, or do something wrong. I have no idea how to be a mother. I’ve never taken care of a child in my entire life. I wished that you would speak, that you would tell me what to do, what to feel. As she lay beside me, I think I did feel tenderness, but I felt it for you, and for our mother, and the second her green eyes flicked open and fixed on mine, I shivered.

‘Why are you always watching me like that?’ she whispered, half smiling. ‘It’s really weird.’

‘I’m sorry,’ I said, and rolled on to my back.

She slipped her fingers between mine. ‘It’s OK,’ she said. ‘Weird’s OK. Weird can be good.’

We lay there, side by side, our fingers interlaced. I listened to her breathing slow, then quicken, and then slow once again.

‘You know, what I don’t understand,’ she whispered, ‘is why you hated her so much.’

‘I didn’t …’

‘She didn’t understand either.’

‘I know,’ I said. ‘I know she didn’t.’

‘You’re crying,’ she whispered, reaching over to touch my face. She brushed the tears from my cheek.

I told her. All the things I should have told you, I told them to your daughter instead. I told her how I’d let you down, how I’d believed the worst of you, how I’d allowed myself to blame you.

‘But why didn’t you just tell her? Why didn’t you tell her what really happened?’

‘It was complicated,’ I said, and I felt her stiffen beside me.

‘Complicated how? How complicated could it be?’

‘Our mother was dying. Our parents were in a terrible way and I didn’t want to do anything to make it worse.’

‘But … but he raped you,’ she said. ‘He should have gone to prison.’

‘I didn’t see it that way. I was very young. I was younger than you are, and I don’t just mean in years, although I was that, too. But I was naive, completely inexperienced, I was clueless. We didn’t talk about consent in the way you girls do now. I thought …’