Филип Керр - A Five Year Plan

‘And what about the money?’

‘What about it?’

‘What I mean, motherfucker, is that you don’t know how much fuel there is on this other boat, so maybe you don’t really have a fuckin’ clue about how much money there is either.’

‘That’s a complete non sequitur,’ said Dave. ‘Your pain-in-the-ass conclusion does not follow from the premises you stated. Believe me. It’s there.’

‘If you were Jesus Christ and you swore on the holes in your hands and the wound in your side the money was there, I’d still say, what makes you so fuckin’ sure?’

‘Ye of little faith. Will you forget about the money? The money’s where it’s supposed to be. Which is more than I can say of your attitude. Why can’t you be more like one of those other disciples, Al? Not having seen and yet believed. Just be cool about the fuckin’ money.’ Dave shook his head, weary of Al’s doubt. Changing the subject, he said, ‘Did you find somewhere to lock everyone up?’

Al said, sullenly, ‘I think so. I went right over the accommodation block and the best area seems to be on the lower deck. There’s an engineer’s workshop and end storeroom alongside the engine room. Apart from some tools and shit, place is more or less empty. Door’s good too. Solid steel, outside bolt. If we left the tools, they could probably hammer their way out in a few hours. By that time we’ll be long gone, right?’

‘With the wind.’

Al bent down and drew a baseball kit bag toward him, still wet-looking and smelling bad after several days in the fish-box. He said, ‘Me and you, Scarlett, it’s about time we got to meet our partners in crime. All of them combat veterans. And the first to do the boogie is the nine-mill Heckler & Koch, M5 submachine gun. Weighs no more than a newborn baby, and it’s just as fuckin’ loud. Fires thirty rounds. Effective range around 100 meters.’ He handed over the weapon and showed Dave how to eject the magazine.

‘It’s slung on a length of rubber tube, SEAL style, in case we have to take a bath with it. Fitted with waterproof laser sights, takes a nine-volt battery for up to thirty hours of continuous play. You’d have to be Stevie Wonder not to hit the target with this mother. Guaranteed accuracy or your money back.’

Al reached into the bag and came up with a pistol.

‘Next to do the boogie is the Heckler & Koch forty-five ACP Special operations handgun. Brand loyalty’s a big thing with me, in case you hadn’t noticed. I always eat the same fuckin’ breakfast cereal and I always use the same gun. Two most important things in your day are a good start — that means a good breakfast — and a good gun. There’s enough uncertainty in the world already without trusting new shit that you haven’t used before.’

‘Pretty good Weltanschauung,’ said Dave.

Ignoring him, Al said, ‘And with this pistol, believe me, you got the whole world in your hands. This is the Big John Cannon of handguns. Detachable sound suppresser ’cos we’re gonna’ be working at night and we don’t want to wake folks up before we’re ready. Laser aiming module, like before. Matter of fact, same as they used on the F-14 fighters in Desert Storm. You could hit Baghdad with this artillery. Fires eight shots. Guaranteed take down. But there’s a heavy recoil. So we’ll wear these weightlifters’ gloves. Not because we wanna look like a couple of S&M faggots but because they let you keep a tight grip.’

The last weapon out of the bag was a shotgun.

‘Last, but by no means least to boogie on down is your pump action twelve-gauge shotgun. Mossberg Model 835. Cut back to eighteen inches, same as my dick. I’ve taken off the magazine plug and replaced the front bead. Looks pretty mean, doesn’t it?’ Al chuckled. ‘Well, this’ll sweep the fuckin’ hall for ya, and no mistake. You’ll only have to fire this mother once and your problems are solved. When we’re outside and on the boats I recommend you stick to the submachine gun and your pistol. Dealing with the ship’s crew, the shotgun will be the most effective friendly persuasion.’ Al worked the slide, and pulled the trigger on the empty chamber. ‘Not for nothing is this called a riot gun. And with these three weapons, we are loaded with fuckin’ opportunities.

‘But in case we have to play anyone with a similar hand to our own, we’ll be wearing Kevlar. Tested at the Aberdeen Proving Grounds by the US Government Edgewood Arsenal, this body armor will stop the ACP and the nine-mill, but maybe not the twelve at close range. This is what you want to be wearing when you attend your next local meeting of the Branch Davidians. The truth hurts, but not if you’re wearing Kevin Costner.’

Next to the folded white torso of the body armor, Al laid a walkie-talkie. He said, ‘And of course, our communications devices, in case love tries to tear us apart.’ Al waved his hand at the guns and equipment that were now spread on the bed like Christmas presents. ‘At the risk of sounding like Gunny Sergeant Highway, get to know this shit. Become familiar with it. Could be it’ll save your life. More importantly, you might save mine. Oh yeah. One more thing. What I call the Alias Smith and Jones factor.’

Dave nodded and said, ‘Starring Pete Duel and Ben Murphy.’

‘All the trains and banks they robbed, they never shot anyone? Bullshit. Nobody gives up a fuckin’ payroll without someone gettin’ shot. Remember that. Someone gets in your way and you gotta grease the fucker, then you’d better fuckin’ do it or it could be your ass that’s down. You wanna be very popular with everyone but the railroads and the banks? Then you’d better try stand-up comedy instead of robbery. You wanna take down a score like this one, then you’d better be ready to drop some fuckin’ brass. And lots of it. You understand? It’s survival of the fittest. Capisce?

Dave grinned back at him. He said, ‘All that testosterone, Al. You wanna hear yourself. Like a goddamn pit-bull terrier. Survival of the fittest? That was Charles Darwin’s theory. It was an explanation of natural selection and evolution and shit like that. When he said survival of the fittest he didn’t mean those who were prepared to be the baddest motherfuckers would survive. Fittest doesn’t mean bad, Al. It doesn’t mean anything except what it says: most likely to survive. Fact is that old Darwin thought that being predisposed toward co-operation might well be adaptive and would thus be selected for.

‘The way I look at it, Al, that’s what we’re after. A little co-operation. We wave our guns and make some noise, sure. But let’s do this cleverly. In a social way. A certain amount of aggression may well be called for, sure. It may confer some benefits. But it also has its costs. Most animals have got built-in codes for conflict that set limits to the violence they do to each other. A lot of it is just bluff. Threat displays n’shit like that. To hear you Al, you sound like you actually want to kill somebody. And what you’ve got to understand is that if we use our brains we probably won’t have to use our guns. Your Alias Smith and Jones example is all wrong, man. The point was not that they were too yellow or too dumb to shoot anyone, but that they planned their robberies with sufficient thought and style, and then kept their cool so as they didn’t need to shoot people.’

Al laughed scornfully. ‘And you believe that?’

‘Al, it’s your example, not mine. The question’s kind of academic, on account of how it wasn’t meant to be true in the first place.’

‘Sure it was true,’ insisted Al. ‘It was history. Said so right at the beginning of the show. "Hannibal Hayes and Kid Curry, the two most wanted outlaws in the history of the west." Sure it was true. The only part that wasn’t true was the part how they never shot anyone. They just did that to make sure they picked up the family audience.’