Elisabeth Carpenter - 99 Red Balloons

‘You didn’t say that was a secret. You said it as though everyone knew.’

‘I said not to tell him. I said it was a surprise. Why would everyone know if it was a fucking surprise?’

‘I… I didn’t realise. I’m really sorry, Em.’

She tilts her head up, her eyes to the roof of the car. ‘Oh, whatever. I couldn’t care less.’

‘What?’ I press my foot on the brake and pull over.

‘You’re stopping? How dramatic of you – dramatic as ever.’

‘Emma? What’s wrong? I’m not being dramatic; I’m trying to talk to you.’

‘Aahhh!’ Emma’s punching the seat next to her legs, shouting at the top of her voice.

She brings her hands up to her hair and grabs each side of her head.

‘I think I’m going insane. This isn’t happening.’ She pulls her hair with her hands. ‘I don’t know if I can even feel this.’ She slaps one side of her face. ‘Am I really here, Steph? I can’t feel anything.’

I turn and grab both of her hands, wrestling with her.

‘Emma. Emma!’

Finally, her hands are still.

‘You are real, you are here. And I’m so sorry you’re going through this.’ I pull her hands towards me and wrap my arms around her. ‘This is the worst nightmare. I’m so sorry.’

She’s crying the hardest I’ve seen her cry. I rock her gently from side to side.

Please, God. If you’re there. Make them find Grace. I don’t know what Emma will do if they don’t.

When we pull up onto my drive, Emma is staring straight ahead. My house looks almost sinister without the lights on.

‘Do you want to wait there, Em?’ I open my car door. ‘Emma?’

She shakes her head back into the present. ‘What? No… I’ll come.’ She looks through the windscreen, narrowing her eyes. ‘What’s that in the window?’

I look to where she’s looking. ‘I can’t see anything.’

‘I thought I saw something. It was probably a shadow – or a reflection.’

I’m suddenly nervous of going inside my own house. It looks like a stranger’s house; my skin covers in goose bumps. Why am I so afraid?

I’m relieved as Emma gets out. I walk round the car and link my arm through hers.

‘We should be noisy going in,’ I say. ‘That’ll scare them off… or at least it’ll warn them we’re coming so they can hide.’

I can’t believe I’m contemplating going inside when Emma’s seen something through the window.

‘There’s probably no one there.’

‘Probably? What did the shadow look like?’

‘I don’t know. A man.’

‘How are you being so calm about this? It might be that stalker, Andrew. Do you think we should call the police?’

‘It’ll be fine. Look – the lock hasn’t been damaged. I’ll just check round the back.’

‘Emma—’

She’s running towards the back gate. When did she get so brave? I’m frozen to the spot. If I count to ten and she’s still not back, then I’ll go round the back. One, two, three—

She’s back. ‘Emma, thank God. I was worried about you.’

‘Jesus, Steph. Why have you gone all weird?’

‘Er – because there might be some weirdo out there.’

She just looks at me, taking the key from my hand. She opens the door and pulls me inside.

‘Let’s turn all the lights on,’ she says. ‘Light always makes you feel better, remember? Do you want to check upstairs?’

‘In a minute.’

My house is freezing. The heating hasn’t been on for days and it feels as though the bones of it are stone cold. Dishes are still in the kitchen sink – our breakfast bowls from last Monday are still on the table.

All our important papers are in the cupboard under the stairs, but the light hasn’t worked for weeks.

‘Can you do me a favour, Em? There’s a blue box file in the understairs cupboard – would you be able to get it out for me? You know I’m claustrophobic.’

She’s rubbing her hands together, trying to get warm.

‘There’s no one in there, you know.’

‘I know… I’ll come with you.’

‘It’s fine, Steph. I’ll get it.’

I watch her from the door – she’s not bothered at all.

‘Why aren’t you scared, Emma? What about that stalker?’

‘He won’t come after you.’ She pulls out the file and closes the door, turning to face me. ‘Because, technically, he’s not my stalker. I’ve been seeing him for three months.’

It was five minutes before Michael got home that Catherine opened the door. She was kneeling on the floor in front of me.

‘I’m so sorry. Will you forgive me? I don’t know my own mind sometimes.’

I don’t know how long I was in there – an hour, or it might have been three, because it was dark outside when I was let out. Michael usually gets back when the day has finished. Catherine put me in there to forget about my mummy, but she was all I thought about.

Catherine’s made me a hot chocolate and we’re in the posh living room – they have two. One has loads of toys, and the other doesn’t. It’s the tidiest room out of all the houses I’ve been in. Granny likes to keep hers tidy, but hers is small – a living room and a kitchen – that’s all there is downstairs.

Michael’s upstairs getting changed out of his uniform. He looks smart in it, but I’ve never seen a uniform like that before. I thought he was a soldier, but he told me yesterday that he wasn’t – I can’t remember what he does, but it’s with planes.

‘Is that nice? Would you like marshmallows in it?’

I shake my head.

She moves from her chair to sit next to me on the sofa. ‘You won’t tell Michael about our little game, will you? He’ll be ever so upset – he really wants to be your daddy.’

I already have a daddy, but I think Catherine knows that. She seems to know everything. She knows what I’m thinking too. I have to stop thinking about Daddy in case she locks me up again. Think of the hot chocolate.

‘Is Michael her daddy too?’ I’m looking at the photo of the blonde-haired girl. There’s only one of her today. ‘Where are the other pictures of her?’

‘I’ve put them away for safe-keeping.’

‘Okay.’

‘You look just like her, don’t you?’

She has the same hair as me, but she has blue eyes, mine are brown. Cow eyes, my gramps says, but I can’t think about him.

‘Is that a school picture?’ I say.

‘Yes.’ She stands up and walks over to it. She turns it round to face the wall. ‘I think we’d better get some photos taken of you – would you like that? In fact, I still have her uniform upstairs.’

She almost runs out of the room, and up the stairs. I don’t want to wear that girl’s clothes – I don’t know her. I look down at the checked pinafore I’m wearing. Maybe I’m already wearing her clothes.

‘All right, kidder?’ Michael’s wearing jeans and a t-shirt. He looks less like a proper grown-up in his normal clothes. ‘I was thinking… would you like to go out of camp tomorrow? We could go to the water park. Would you like that?’

I nod, even though I don’t know what a water park is. I don’t know how they could make swings out of water.

‘I’ll get Catherine to get you a bathing suit. I’m sure she would.’ He sits down on the chair Catherine was sitting on a minute ago. He leans towards me. ‘I know she seems pretty scary, but she means well.’

‘Ta da!’ Catherine’s back and she’s holding up a uniform. Her smile goes away when she sees Michael.

‘What the hell are you doing, Catherine?’

He gets up quickly and takes her out of the room.

I wish I could hear what they’re talking about.

I shuffle to the end of the sofa. Michael’s whispers aren’t as quiet as Catherine’s.