Clare Mackintosh - I Let You Go

‘Stumpy can’t make it,’ he said. ‘His mum’s had another fall.’

‘Is she okay?’ Mags asked.

‘I think so – he’s on his way to the hospital now.’ Ray sent a message to Stumpy, and put the phone back in his pocket. ‘Just the three of us, then.’

Kate looked at Ray and then at Mags, who turned away and began stirring the chilli.

‘Look,’ Kate said, ‘why don’t we do this another time, when Stumpy can make it?’

‘Don’t be silly,’ Ray said, with a cheeriness that sounded false, even to himself. ‘Besides, we’ve got all this chilli: we’ll never get through it without help.’ He looked at Mags, half wanting her to agree with Kate and cancel the evening altogether, but she carried on stirring.

‘Absolutely,’ she said briskly. She handed a pair of oven gloves to Ray. ‘Can you bring the casserole dish? Kate, why don’t you grab those plates and come through to the dining room?’

There were no places laid, but Ray sat automatically at the head of the table, Kate on his left. Mags put a pan of rice on the table, then returned to the kitchen for a bowl of grated cheese and a tub of soured cream. She sat opposite Kate, and for a while the three of them were busy passing dishes and filling their plates.

As they settled down to eat, the clink of cutlery on china made the lack of conversation even more obvious, and Ray searched his mind for something to talk about. Mags wouldn’t want them banging on about work, but perhaps it was the safest topic of conversation. Before he could make up his mind, Mags rested her fork on the side of her plate.

‘How are you finding CID, Kate?’

‘I love it. The hours are a killer, but the work’s great, and it’s what I’ve always wanted to do.’

‘I hear the DI’s a nightmare to work for.’

Ray looked sharply at Mags, but she was smiling pleasantly at Kate. It did nothing to diminish the feeling of unease that had crept over him.

‘He’s not too bad,’ Kate said, with a sidelong glance at Ray. ‘Although I don’t know how you put up with the mess: his office is a disgrace. Half-drunk coffee cups all over the place.’

‘That’s because I’m working too hard to drink a full one,’ Ray countered. Banter at his expense was a small price to pay under the circumstances.

‘He’s always right, of course,’ Mags said.

Kate pretended to consider this. ‘Except when he’s wrong.’

They both laughed, and Ray allowed himself to relax a little.

‘Does he hum “Chariots of Fire” under his breath all the time,’ Kate said, ‘like he does at work?’

I wouldn’t know,’ Mags said smoothly. ‘I never see him.’

The light mood evaporated and for a while they ate in silence. Ray coughed and Kate looked up. He gave her an apologetic smile and she shrugged it off, but when he turned back he realised Mags was watching them, a faint furrow across her brow. She put down her fork and pushed her plate away from the edge of the table.

‘Do you miss being in the job, Mags?’ Kate asked.

Everyone asked Mags that, as though they expected her to still be hankering after the paperwork; the shitty hours; the filthy houses where you wiped your feet on the way out.

‘Yes,’ she said, without hesitation.

Ray looked up. ‘Do you?’

Mags continued talking to Kate as though he hadn’t spoken. ‘I don’t miss the job, exactly, but I miss the person I was back then. I miss having something to say, something to teach people.’ Ray stopped eating. Mags was the same person she had always been. The same person she always would be. Carrying a warrant card didn’t change that, surely?

Kate nodded as though she understood, and Ray was grateful for the effort she was making. ‘Would you ever go back?’

‘How could I? Who would look after that pair?’ Mags rolled her eyes upwards towards the bedrooms. ‘Not to mention him.’ She looked at Ray, but she wasn’t smiling, and he tried to decipher the look in her eyes. ‘You know what they say: behind every great man…’

‘It’s true,’ Ray said suddenly, with more vigour than the quiet conversation warranted. He looked at Mags. ‘You hold everything together.’

‘Pudding!’ Mags said abruptly, standing up. ‘Unless you’d like some more chilli, Kate?’

‘I’m fine, thank you. Can I give you a hand?’

‘You stay there, it won’t take a moment. I’ll clear these away then I’ll nip upstairs and make sure the kids aren’t up to mischief.’ She carried everything out to the kitchen, then Ray heard light footsteps running upstairs, and the soft murmur of voices from Lucy’s bedroom.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I don’t know what’s got into her.’

‘Is it me?’ Kate said.

‘No, don’t think that. She’s been in a funny mood recently. She’s worried about Tom, I think.’ He gave a reassuring smile. ‘It’ll be my fault – it usually is.’

They heard Mags come back downstairs, and when she next appeared she was carrying a plate of brownies and a jug of cream.

‘Actually, Mags,’ Kate said, standing up, ‘I think I’m going to pass on dessert.’

‘Would you rather have some fruit? I’ve got melon, if you’d prefer?’

‘No, it’s not that. I’m just knackered. It’s been a long old week. Dinner was lovely, though, thank you.’

‘Well, if you’re sure.’ Mags put down the brownies. ‘I never congratulated you on the Gray job – Ray tells me it was all down to you. That’s a good result to have on your CV this early on.’

‘Oh well, it was a joint effort, really,’ Kate said. ‘We’re a good team.’

Ray knew she meant the whole CID team, but she glanced at Ray as she said it, and he didn’t dare look at Mags.

They stood in the hall and Mags kissed Kate on the cheek. ‘Come and see us again, won’t you? It was lovely meeting you.’ Ray hoped he was the only one who could hear the insincerity in his wife’s voice. He said goodbye to Kate, having a moment of indecision over whether to kiss her. He decided it would be odd if he didn’t, and kept it as brief as possible, but he felt Mags’s eyes on him and was relieved when Kate set off down the path and the door was shut and locked behind her.

‘Well, I don’t think I can resist those brownies,’ he said with a cheeriness he didn’t feel. ‘Are you having some?’

‘I’m dieting,’ Mags said. She went into the kitchen and unfolded the ironing board, filling the iron with water and waiting for it to heat up. ‘I’ve put a Tupperware in the fridge with rice and chilli for Stumpy – will you take it in tomorrow? He won’t have eaten properly if he’s at the hospital all night tonight, and he won’t feel like cooking tomorrow.’

Ray brought his bowl through to the kitchen, and ate standing up. ‘That’s good of you.’

‘He’s a nice guy.’

‘He is. I work with a great bunch of people.’

Mags was silent for a while. She picked up a pair of trousers and began ironing them. When she spoke it was casual, but she pressed the tip of the iron hard against the fabric.

‘She’s pretty.’

‘Kate?’

‘No, Stumpy.’ Mags looked at him, exasperated. ‘Of course Kate.’

‘I suppose so. I’ve never really thought about it.’ It was a ridiculous lie – Mags knew him better than anyone.

She raised an eyebrow, but Ray was relieved to see her smile. He risked a gentle tease. ‘Are you jealous?’

‘Not a jot,’ Mags said. ‘In fact, if she’ll do the ironing, she can move in.’

‘I’m sorry I told her about Tom,’ Ray said.

Mags pressed a button on the iron and a cloud of steam hissed on to the trousers. She kept her eyes on the iron as she spoke. ‘You love your job, Ray, and I love that you love it. It’s a part of you. But it’s as though the kids and I exist in the background. I feel invisible.’