Gillian Jackson - The Accident

‘So what do you want me to do?’ he asked.

‘Mel’s last exam is tomorrow and Sam’s is on Friday. If you must go now I’ll tell them you’re working away, but I want you to come back on Friday night to see them and explain this yourself.’

Mike looked suitably humbled. ‘Okay, that seems only fair. Will you be okay for the rest of the week?’

‘And what do you care if I’m not?’ she snapped.

‘I’d hoped we could be civilised about this, for the children’s sake if nothing else.’

Hannah looked away, unable to meet his eyes. ‘I’ll be fine,’ she said, knowing she’d be anything but.

Less than a minute after her husband walked out of the door Hannah gave way to the tears she’d been biting back, angry tears, for herself and her children. She had no idea how she actually felt about Mike’s revelations, other than stunned. Had she known somewhere in the back of her mind that this was coming? Perhaps she had, and she had to agree with him that things hadn’t been right between them for quite some time, but she’d chosen to ignore it, making excuses and hoping that their relationship would improve.

But now what would happen? Did she simply shrug off her marriage like a wet overcoat, or did she fight for it? Did she want to fight for it, or was it the failure which hurt more than Mike’s leaving? It was humiliating that her husband had been having an affair for such a long time without her suspecting and now that he had actually gone, Hannah was the one left with the messy job of applying the glue to fix her family; to tell their friends and neighbours and face their pitying looks, speculation, and inevitable gossip.

Putting her own feelings aside, Mel and Sam must be her priority. They too would feel deserted, let down and hurt, by the very parent who should protect them, but then, hadn’t she been the one protecting them throughout their childhood? Mike was never truly comfortable in the role of a father, which was why it was so incredible that he’d actually chosen to have a baby with this new love of his.

Hannah’s head spun with conflicting thoughts, vacillating between blaming herself and blaming Mike, hating him and longing for him to come running back and tell her it was all a huge mistake and that she was the one he really loved. But that wasn’t going to happen and somehow she needed to get through the next few days, pretending that everything was fine, that her heart was not broken into a thousand pieces and she was not the utter wreck she felt inside.

It would be painfully hard, but Hannah would do it, for her children.

Work became Joe’s only escape and what was left of his home life centred on his dog. It seemed that those he’d considered their friends were actually more friends of Alison’s than his, or was it simply that a bereaved man was something of a dilemma? Most people they’d socialised with were couples and now that he was alone he didn’t seem to fit into their tidy social circle anymore.

The exception to this was Phil and Helen who remained steadfast friends and offered practical help as well as emotional support. Helen was forever bringing him food or inviting him in for a meal, her way of showing she cared, and when they looked after Liffey, they made it appear that it was he who was doing them the favour by allowing them to. Such remarkable people are rare and Joe grew to value them for the true friends they were.

At times he wondered how it would have been if he’d been the one to die and Alison was left alone. Undoubtedly she would have handled it better, probably by widening her circle of friends as a coping mechanism, but it wasn’t quite so easy for a man. He couldn’t join the WI or an embroidery group and he’d never taken to golf or bowls in the way that some men do, so work became his life and Liffey his love.

He could only continue functioning and remain sane by taking one day at a time and forbidding his thoughts to stray any further ahead. Joe felt he’d lost his future with Alison gone, he didn’t want to dwell on the weeks and months ahead, they were just a painful existence to get through, alone.

Now that he was able to drive again, Joe knew he had to fill an obligation which he did not relish; he was going to visit Ethel. They’d spoken on the telephone on several occasions and she seemed to have expectations of Joe which he was not able, or willing to meet.

The insurance company hadn’t quibbled about his claim and paid the full value of his written off car promptly, enabling Joe to buy another one. The purchase of a new car had always been a time of excitement but not this one, as there was little pleasure in it for him without Ali to share it.

The drive to his mother-in-law’s was the first time he’d taken the same route as the morning of the crash, but he steeled himself to do it, reasoning that avoiding those roads would remind him every bit as much as taking them would.

Ethel Palmer lived in a neat semi-detached bungalow, large enough for one and small enough to maintain quite easily. Not that Ethel took responsibility for any of the maintenance, having expected her daughter to run the home for her. Joe occasionally chipped in with everyday practical jobs when necessary, to take the burden off his wife, but generally Ali had been running two homes, their own and her mother’s, typically without complaint.

‘You’re late,’ were the first words that greeted Joe when he rang the bell and walked through the door. Glancing at his watch, he retorted that it was only ten minutes after the time he’d said he would be there. Ethel then launched into a list of grumbles which she’d obviously been storing up to get off her chest, finishing by presenting her son-in-law with a lengthy shopping list, which she assumed he would get immediately.

‘Have you done anything about getting some regular help, Ethel?’ Joe ignored the list she’d pushed at him with her gnarled fingers.

‘And have you any idea how much they charge for the kind of help I need?’ Ethel retorted.

‘But what else do you spend your money on? You’re always saying that you never go out anywhere, so why not get someone in if you can’t manage?’

‘Well, now that you’re driving again you can come over to help me.’ It was a statement, not a request, one which was anticipated by Joe and for which he’d prepared an answer.

‘I’m going back to work on Monday, I won’t have the time to come over like Alison did, and keeping my own place is going to be more than enough for me. I won’t be able to drive over here regularly.’ Joe might have felt guilty if Ethel’s sour expression hadn’t grown even darker.

‘A fine son-in-law you’ve turned out to be. I’ve just lost my only daughter and now you say you don’t want to help me!’

‘I’m not saying I don’t want to help, and of course I’ll still visit you, but with work and keeping up my own home, there simply won’t be time for me to look after you.’ He was trying to be fair but also firm. ‘I can help with finding a suitable care company if you like and they can do almost anything, from shopping, to cleaning and cooking.’

‘If you’d been able to give Alison children then I would have grandchildren to look after me!’ Ethel snarled at him with a look of contempt on her face.

Joe was speechless; her words were like a slap in the face and totally out of the blue. When he composed himself, he tried to form a reply without getting angry at his mother-in-law.

‘It was our dearest wish to have children, as you well know, but it’s hardly fair to say I couldn’t give Ali children, we never went down the route of finding out whose “fault” it was.’

‘Of course it was your fault but Alison was too gracious to tell you!’ Ethel spat the words at Joe.