Джанет Иванович - Twisted Twenty-Six

“That’s a start,” I said, “but you’re not getting the guns back.”

“Why not?”

“We sold your guns.”

“ What?”

“We bought your big-screen television with them.”

My father’s face turned red, and his eyes bulged out. “You had no right to sell my guns! Those were my guns.” He pressed his lips tight together. “Okay, fine. No big deal. I can get new guns. I don’t need them anyway. I have a baseball bat.”

“And the security system?” I asked.

“No! No security system. It’s like those TSA people at the airport. They don’t make me feel safe. They’re a big fat reminder that some nutjob wants to blow up my plane. You put a security system in because you’re afraid. It’s a sign of fear. Like those body scanners that show your privates.”

“You’re carrying a knife and a baseball bat around with you. Isn’t that a sign of fear?”

“No. It’s a sign that I’m pissed off.”

I waved at Ranger. “No security system.”

Ranger smiled and told his men to pack up and head out.

“I saw that smile,” I yelled at him. “You have a sick sense of humor.”

I went inside and took a position on the couch. Stephanie Plum, bodyguard, on the job. My mother sat on one side of me and Grandma sat on the other. My father settled into his chair, took possession of the remote, and clicked the television on. After that instant, it was all a blur of game shows and talent shows and commercials about drugs to cure psoriasis, drugs to give you a stiffy, and Marie Osmond helping you to lose fifty pounds.

My father fell asleep in his chair at nine o’clock. My mother finished her Big Gulp and went to bed. Grandma took over the remote and tuned in to a rerun of Naked and Afraid.

“I got all these shows recorded,” Grandma said. “I got enough to take us to midnight.”

One episode of Naked and Afraid might be fun. A marathon would be hell on earth. I love my family. Truly. But I’d have a hard time choosing between a Naked and Afraid marathon and letting someone firebomb the house.

“Gosh,” I said to Grandma, “I’d love to stay, but I promised Morelli I’d spend the night with him.”

“I can’t compete with that,” Grandma said. “He’s hot. Jimmy was okay, but he wasn’t no Morelli.”

This was true. Not many men were Morelli. I packed up and told Grandma to call if there was a problem. I trudged out to the Buick, turned the key in the ignition, and the car sputtered and died. I looked at the gas gauge. Empty. I abandoned the Buick and bummed a ride to Morelli’s house with the Rangeman guys.

I called Ranger and told him I’d be staying with Morelli tonight, so his guys could leave. That was the deal when Ranger was in protection mode. If I was with Morelli, Ranger felt I was safe, and he could back off.

“Babe,” Ranger said.

I wasn’t sure what Babe meant in this instance. It sounded a little like he thought I was settling for second best.

—

Morelli was watching hockey with Bob when I walked in.

“So?” he said.

“Crisis averted.”

I sat next to him, and he wrapped an arm around me. “I’m glad you came back,” Morelli said.

“How glad?”

“Glad enough to shut the television off.”

“Wow. That’s really glad.”

“Okay, I have to be honest with you,” Morelli said. “It’s only pre-season and the Rangers are losing. And it’s not the same since they traded Zuccarello.”

“So, are you hinting that you need pity sex because of Zuccarello?”

“Would that work?”

“Yeah, but what about me? Do I get Zuccarello pity sex too? Just before they traded him, I bought a Rangers jersey with his name on it.”

“Cupcake, you’re going to get pity sex that will be life changing. You’re going to be a new woman when I’m done with you.”

This had some appeal, since I was wanting to be a new woman anyway. Between the extensions and the pity sex, I’d be on my way to somewhere.

“Okay,” I said. “Where do you want to do this? What’s the first step?”

“I need the workbench to execute this properly.”

The workbench was Morelli’s nickname for his bed.

“Do we need candles?” I asked him.

“Candles would be a distraction. Plus, I don’t have any.”

“This isn’t going to involve any kinky stuff, is it?”

“The only thing kinky is going to be you screaming for more.”

Oh boy.

CHAPTER TEN

IT WAS DAYLIGHT when I woke up. Morelli was next to me, still asleep. I looked under the sheets and checked myself out. Naked. Not noticeably different. Not yet a completely new woman. Although the pity sex had been outstanding.

“Hey!” I said to Morelli. “Are you awake?”

Morelli half opened his eyes. “I am now .”

“I’m hungry.”

“And?”

“I think we should go out for breakfast. Pancakes and eggs and bacon and stuff.”

“Sure. But not now.”

“Why can’t we go now?”

“We can’t go now because you poked the bear.”

“I didn’t poke the bear.”

“You poked the bear awake. And you know how the bear always has this condition in the morning.”

“Just once, couldn’t the bear wake up and want waffles?”

“How could you possibly want waffles when you could have the bear?” Morelli asked. “I thought you had a good time with the bear last night.”

“Best pity sex ever,” I said.

“And I was right. You were screaming for more.”

“I wasn’t screaming.”

“You were begging.”

“Okay, maybe I was begging.”

I felt Morelli’s fingers walking a path from my navel to my hoo-ha.

“I don’t think I’ve got a lot left down there,” I said. “It needs to rest awhile longer.”

His fingers reached their goal.

“Are you sure it wants to rest?” Morelli asked.

“I might not be completely sure.”

—

Morelli and I had just laid waste to the endless all-you-can-eat Sunday buffet at Jerry’s Diner.

“Jerry outdid himself on this buffet,” I said.

Morelli signaled the waitress for our check. “I don’t think there’s a Jerry anymore. I think Jerry died and the diner got sold to Amazon.”

“Well, whoever owns it put out a kick-ass buffet.”

“Agreed.”

Morelli’s cellphone buzzed, and he checked for a text message.

“Not good?” I asked.

“Kelly has the flu, so I’m on call, and there’s a dead juvenile on Stark with gang graffiti tattooed onto his forehead.”

“That’s ugly.”

“Yeah, that’s my world. I’ll take you back to your parents’ house so you can get your car, and then I’ll go to work. This shouldn’t take long. It’s not like there are body parts spread all over.”

Ten minutes later, we spotted Grandma a block from my parents’ house.

“She’s on the move,” Morelli said. “She’s got her big black patent leather purse, which means she’s carrying. And I’m guessing she’s headed for the bakery.”

We pulled up alongside Grandma, and I lowered my window. “Get in,” I said. “We’ll give you a ride.”

“No thanks,” Grandma said. “I feel like getting some exercise. I gotta stay in shape now that I’m single again. I might want another boy toy after things calm down.”

“I’ll walk with Grandma,” I said to Morelli. “Call if you wrap things up early.”

“I’m going to the bakery,” Grandma said. “We’ve got leftover rump roast, and I’m going to get rolls, so we can have sandwiches for lunch. I might get some Italian cookies too. There were some at the wake, but I didn’t get a chance to eat any. I was too busy with my widow obligations.”