Джанет Иванович - Twisted Twenty-Six

I bypassed my father and went to the kitchen, where my mother and grandmother were fluttering around. The cakes and casseroles were gone, and the kitchen looked a little bare without them.

“Thank goodness you’re here,” Grandma said to me. “I need help with my makeup. Your mother thinks I’m wearing too much mascara. And I can’t decide on a lipstick. The queen has been wearing pink lately, but I’m not sure that’s a good color with my red hair.”

I helped myself to coffee and looked in the fridge for leftovers. “Pink is okay with red hair.”

“Stiva’s driver brought us fresh bagels this morning,” my mother said. “They’re in the bag on the counter.”

I selected a bagel, sliced it in half, and gave it a layer of cream cheese.

“Anyone want half of this?” I asked.

“Not me,” Grandma said. “I can’t eat. My stomach is a mess, and I just brushed my teeth. I’ll be glad when this is over. I wanted to do the right thing for Jimmy, but having a big to-do like this is nerve-racking. What do you think of this dress? I had a hard time finding a good black one.”

My mother squinted at me. “What’s in your hair?”

“Extensions,” I said. “I had them put in yesterday.”

Grandma came closer and looked at them. “They’re sort of glittery under the light. I wish I knew about this. I would have got some put in my hair. You need something like that when you gotta wear black. It breaks up the frump factor.”

I didn’t think Grandma had to worry about the frump factor. She had flame red hair all punked out, and she was wearing a black cocktail dress that would have showed cleavage if she had any. As it was, Grandma’s cleavage was somewhere in the vicinity of her belly button.

I heard the front door open and close, and Morelli sauntered into the kitchen. He was wearing jeans and a black blazer over a blue button-down shirt. When you put Morelli in a suit he looks like a casino pit boss. This isn’t a good look for a cop, so he almost always dresses down. His eyes instantly focused on my hair. His eyebrows raised ever so slightly and he smiled. He moved closer and draped an arm across my shoulders.

“I’m guessing this is one step beyond two coats of mascara,” Morelli said.

“It’s experimental.”

He nodded. “Not necessary, but fun.”

“Do I look like an idiot?”

“No. You look hot. Do we really have to go to the funeral?”

“Unfortunately, yes. It’s important to Grandma. And it’s even more important that I talk to the La-Z-Boys. Someone tossed my apartment yesterday. I’m sure they were looking for the keys, but they were also leaving a message.”

“Would you like me to talk to them?”

“No. I need to do it. I need to make them understand that Jimmy didn’t pass the keys on to Grandma.”

“Are you sure she doesn’t have them?”

“Almost positive.”

I looked over at Grandma. She was sitting at the kitchen table all by herself. She had a cup of tea in front of her but wasn’t drinking it. She was staring into the mug, her mouth set in a tight line.

I gave Morelli the second half of my bagel and went to Grandma. “Is everything okay?”

“I’m worried about the church service. I can get through everything else okay, but there’s things to think about when you’re in the Lord’s house. Especially when it’s for the last time, like Jimmy. You gotta look at your life and wonder if you should have done better. Jimmy might have made some bad choices. His chosen profession might not have been the best.”

“You mean, that he worked for the mob.”

“Yeah,” Grandma said. “I’m pretty sure he whacked people. Maybe a lot of people.”

I went through a mental search, looking for a way to put a positive spin on Jimmy, but I came up empty.

“He had a long, successful career,” Grandma finally said. “You gotta give him that.”

“It’s time to get in the car,” my mother said. “Everyone take their things. We’ll go directly from the church to the cemetery, so take a sweater. It might be chilly. I have cough drops and tissues if anybody needs them.”

We all trooped out of the house, climbed into the big black Lincoln, and sat in silence for the short ride to the church. We took our seats in the pew reserved for us. The pew reserved for Jimmy’s relatives was wisely located on the opposite side of the church. I looked at the flower-draped casket in front of the altar and got a chill. Grandma could be resting there next if I failed to protect her.

Grandma dabbed at her eyes. “He was always nice to me,” she said.

—

We managed to get through the service and back to our limo without incident, mainly because we surrounded Grandma and shielded her from seeing Tootie give her “the eye” and Rose give her the finger.

“That wasn’t so bad,” Grandma said on the way to the cemetery. “There was no mention of Jimmy burning in hell, and the organist did a real good job.”

Morelli was next to me, smiling. His family was even crazier and more dysfunctional than mine. This was a walk in the park for Morelli.

—

Jimmy’s family had primo property at the cemetery. It was at the top of a medium-sized hill and overlooked acres of graves. It was a nice fall day. Seventy degrees and sunny. Blue sky. Puffy white clouds. Neatly trimmed green grass dotted with granite headstones. Yellow backhoe idling in the near distance.

We parked a short distance from the gravesite, and what seemed like a mile of white-flagged cars parked behind us. We all got out and took stock of the walk ahead of us.

“Okay,” Morelli said. “Let’s do it.”

He took a firm grip on Grandma’s arm, I took the other arm, and we helped her navigate the slope in her fashionable pumps.

Graveside seating was similar to church seating. The Rosollis and the Plums were separated by a section of chairs reserved for the La-Z-Boys and their top wiseguys. Lesser wiseguys stood at the rear along with ordinary mourners, plainclothes cops, and a couple photographers.

“This is a good location for the Rosollis,” Morelli said. “Hard to get ambushed up here. You’d have to have a sharpshooter in those trees down by the road.”

“You mean the trees that are being guarded by all those cops?”

“Yeah, those trees.”

“So, all you have to worry about are the people who are sitting next to us and want to kill each other.”

“Ordinarily that would be the case, but I can’t see anyone risking getting taken into custody this morning. No one is going to want to miss the wake at the nudie bar.”

Grandma was sitting between me and my mom. She had her hands clasped tight in her lap, and she was staring straight ahead. The casket was in her line of sight, but I didn’t think she was seeing it. She looked like her thoughts were elsewhere.

“This is a strange place where we live,” she said.

“You mean Trenton?”

“I mean Earth. One minute you think you know where you’re going, and then in a second it could all change. You don’t even have to make a bad decision. You could be doing everything right, and the bad thing happens. It’s like we’re one of them videogames. Someone pushes a button, and BANG you’re dead. It’s gotta make you wonder what’s next.”

“What do you think is next?” I asked Grandma.

“Alien invasion. I don’t mean Mexicans, either. It’s only a matter of time. I wouldn’t be surprised to have them landing in the backyard tonight. Or maybe they wouldn’t land at all. Maybe they’d just wipe us all out in a flash of light, and we’d be gone. Like the dinosaurs.”

“Jeez.”

“Yeah, it would be a real bummer to get wiped out in a flash of light. I prepaid my funeral. Picked out my casket and everything. I didn’t scrimp, either. I hate to think I wouldn’t be laid to rest in that casket. I was counting on a good send-off.”