Val Karren - The Deceit of Riches

“So, I called the American and the British medical clinics but because it was Sunday only the Brits would accept the patient, but he had to pay two hundred dollars cash on arrival. If we could be there before four o’clock they would treat him. Great! So, I run out the door again back to Rocky and tell him the details. So, what do you think happened? He got angry! He starts yelling about being blackmailed and exploited and completely refused to cooperate. He said even if he had the cash, which he didn’t because it was all in travelers’ checks, he wouldn’t pay such scandalous ransoms!” I was hollering to imitate Rocky’s anger.

Yulia gasped and asked, “Where were the palace guards at this point?”

“They were standing there with Rocky smoking, just like on the boat, and he was just chatting the boys up. One of them, I guess, could speak a few words of English and Rocky was smoking with them telling them stories!” I couldn’t help but get animated for the dramatic effect.

“No way! This is getting absurd” Yulia was beyond laughter and was waiting to hear how this ended.

“So, I said to Rocky, ‘Rocky, you will not like the alternative. Soviet hospitals are where people go to die, not get better!’”

Both Olga and Nikolai started clapping their hands in amusement and Olga inquired, “And where did a young American boy learn that idiom about Soviet hospitals? It’s so true!”.

“I’ve been around the Soyuz,” so as to say, I had traveled the Soviet Union, was my reply to Olga, and I continued with the story. “Rocky’s reply was ‘Damn the consequences, take me to a hospital of the people!’ Somehow, he thought he had become one of the proletariat after eight days on the Volga. He must have drunk the river water. So off I go again to the security office. As I pulled open the big wooden doors I see a different fellow standing there this time in a full dress uniform, shiny boots, hat, ribbons. Must have been a war hero,” I speculated.

“Peter, no! Don’t tell me you did the same thing to this officer!” Yulia was truly scared for me now, a full year later.

“I simply said there was an emergency and I needed to use the telephone again. I was very polite, but he said very firmly to me, ’Nyet! That phone is for Kremlin security matters only!’ Did I tell you all that it was a red telephone? Does that make you all just a bit more uneasy?” I asked poking the bear.

Nikolai was shaking his head in disbelief at my brazen reveling in what could have been a very unfortunate situation for an American in the Kremlin.

I continued. “So, I get up in this guy’s face and say, ‘I understand that this the office of the Chief of Kremlin security. I demand to speak to him, RIGHT NOW!’ and he replied just as heated back to me ‘I AM the chief of Kremlin security, and I said NO!’ At that point, I did realize that maybe I had gone a bit too far and I got this horrible feeling in my chest and belly and my legs went a bit numb, and thought for a second that I might wet my pants if he made a move toward me. He looked very angry.”

“So how did you get Rocky off of Cathedral Square?” Yulia thought the story was over.

“Oh, the ambulance came right into the Kremlin!” Olga confirmed again.

“But how?” Yulia pleaded.

“Well, I guess I don’t really know why I did it but I didn’t back down. I just started yelling at him louder and louder about how heavy and big Rocky was and that moving him without an ambulance would be dangerous for his leg. The Chief of Security just told me I was out of luck and that no ambulance would be allowed into the Kremlin compound for security reasons. It was not permitted. No way! So, now I’m really worked up and I tell the Chief to follow me outside by using my finger, like this.” And I motioned with my index finger to show the group how condescending such a movement could look to an authority figure.

“Horrible!” huffed Yulia. “In Russia that is almost a vulgar gesture!”

“I know, I know! I’ve learned since not to use it. I guess I hadn’t been around too much, eh, Olga? I still have some things to learn,” I confessed.

“Didn’t he arrest you?” Yulia was hoping I had been thoroughly punished for insubordination.

“I can imagine he wanted to, but he followed me outside and was yelling something at me but I think the adrenaline in my blood was too much to understand him at this point. So, we rounded the corner that opened up onto Cathedral Square and I just stopped and pointed to Rocky so the Chief could take in the size of the man. Even from that distance, it was clear to see how large this man was. Now, by this time, you all—” and I motioned around the table again to my colleagues, “—had come out of the cathedrals and had gathered around Rocky on this little chair and there was a lot of flurry. The guards were still mixed with the group taking pictures at attention with their rifles and just having a grand old time with the tourists. Remember that these guards had bayonets and everything on their rifles and one of the soldiers was pointing his rifle right at somebody’s camera for a great souvenir photo, I just hope the guns weren’t loaded!” I said feigning caution.

“Crazy, crazy, crazy! Was everybody out of their minds?” Yulia was speechless.

“So, I was standing with the Chief of Kremlin security just taking in the three-ring circus happening in the middle of Cathedral Square. I just kept pointing with an outstretched arm while I looked at him. His eyes were getting larger and larger and his face redder and redder, he was gritting his teeth and seething with anger! Then I said to him, right or not I said it. ‘You see how large he is? He is a Russian bear! You can move him yourself, but I am going to go call an ambulance!’ and I started back toward the security office and the telephone. And what happened? He turned on his shiny boots and caught up to me and says ‘…and I will authorize it.’ So, he called for the ambulance in the end and we shook hands and I returned to the group on the Square to wait for a city ambulance.”

“Incredible! Why aren’t you in jail?” Olga questioned.”If I had done something like that being Russian, they would have put me in Lyubyanka and then off to Siberia with me! You just can’t do that inside the Kremlin! To get our tour guide license we had a whole security training course and were told that there were strict consequences for stepping out of line while leading a tour.”

“And they let me back into the country too!” I said holding out my arms like a circus performer who just finished a death defying stunt with a hungry tiger, with a toothy grin on my face.

“Bozhe moy! (My God!)” Olga muttered. “You are crazy!”

“After all that though, Rocky realized he had made a mistake when we got to the hospital there in central Moscow, and he didn’t talk back to me again and just listened to me like a lap dog.” I was winding down the story, “It was also my first time in a Russian hospital and it was traumatic for both him and his wife and for me. What I remember most was seeing an old man on a gurney, you know a roller table. He must have been hit by a car, or fallen down a long staircase. His face was battered and he was bleeding from his head. His leg was turned in a very unnatural position, his ankle was turned in the opposite direction of his leg etcetera…”

Yuila gasped and cringed and Irina, who had taken in the whole story at the Kremlin with an entertained smile of amusement also looked a bit saddened to hear of this.

“…and everybody was ignoring the man!” I still felt traumatized by the sight, “All he wanted was a pillow for his head and he kept muttering it to everybody who passed him in the hallway. So, I finally got him one without asking. When we were done with Rocky’s X-rays and all the old man was gone. I figured out later that they had given him morphine and were just waiting for him to die. He was so badly injured and so old that I am pretty sure they just gave up on him, triage had given up hope and they took Rocky first, but they had left him there in the hallway with no dignity, no care, no comfort. It was a very traumatic experience. I was completely wasted when we finally got back to the ship at the River Station that evening.”