Stanley Johnson: Kompromat

President Liu Wang-Ji called the meeting to order.

‘Comrades,’ he began, ‘I thought I would start today’s proceedings by reporting on my recent trip to St Petersburg.’

For the next twenty minutes he recounted some of the details of his encounter with other world leaders at the World Tiger Summit, organized and presided over by Russia’s president Igor Popov. His assessments were frank and pithy.

‘I was intrigued – and I must confess rather alarmed – by the German chancellor, Helga Brun, and her apparent closeness to President Popov. Of course, she speaks Russian fluently and he speaks German. That helps. I am told that our security services are in the process of making a full assessment of historic and other links between President Popov and Chancellor Brun.’

He nodded across the table in the direction of Zhang Fu-Sheng.

‘Is that not so, Comrade Zhang?’

‘Yes, that is so, Mr President,’ Zhang Fu-Sheng agreed.

In the official handout entitled ‘Composition of the Standing Committee’, Zhang’s functions were simply listed as Deputy Leader of the Central Leading Group for Comprehensively Deepening Reforms, but within the standing committee itself and the upper echelons of government it was well known that Zhang was responsible for Ministry of State Security. As one of the most powerful and most active Chinese intelligence agencies, the MSS’s main objective was to keep track and neutralize ‘enemies’ of the Communist Party of China.

‘Our sources in Berlin,’ Zhang continued, ‘indicate that Chancellor Brun appears to be distancing herself from some of the previous policies of the EU regarding Ukraine and NATO and so on. Apparently she may soon be pushing the EU and the US to drop the sanctions over Crimea.’

President Liu Wang-Ji took a sip of the sweet green tea served at all meetings of the Standing Committee. Gaily decorated thermoses were conveniently placed on the table for those who wanted a top-up.

‘Most interesting,’ he said. ‘Your mention of the United States, Comrade Zhang, reminds me to report also on Ronald Craig, presently one of the leading Republican candidates for the Presidency.’

In the old days, before the Chinese government banned spitting in public places, there would have been strategically placed spittoons in the Standing Committee’s meeting room. Veterans could launch a glob of spit with unerring accuracy over a distance of twenty paces. But spittoons had gone from modern China, much as the practice of binding women’s feet had gone.

So instead of spitting, Liu limited himself to an expression of mild disgust.

‘Pah! I only spoke briefly with Mr Craig but I was alarmed when he told me that he did not necessarily support the One China policy and might even visit Taiwan!’

There was an explosion of dissent around the table. Comrades present made it clear that they had never heard a more disgusting idea in all their lives. Taiwan was part of China and always would be. The day was coming when the lost sheep would return to the fold and the United States would just have to lump it.

Wang Tao-Yu, China’s premier and the Politburo’s Number Two member in terms of seniority, chipped in:

‘If Ronald Craig becomes the official US presidential candidate, and if he wins the election, I fear we are going to have trouble in the South China Sea.’

Of course they all knew what he was talking about. China had recently been boosting its foothold in the Spratly Islands, a disputed scattering of reefs and islands in the South China Sea more than 500 miles from the Chinese mainland. They had been moving sediment from the seabed to create artificial reefs. So far they had constructed port facilities, military buildings and an airstrip on the islands. Recent imagery showed evidence of two more airstrips under construction. Unfortunately, the Japanese had long regarded the Spratly Islands as their sovereign territory. Up till now, the US had looked the other way. With a new president in the White House, things could change and the US might decide to come down firmly on Japan’s side, making a confrontation virtually inevitable.

The discussion continued. More tea was drunk. After a while, President Liu summed up the feeling of the meeting:

‘We all seem to agree, comrades, that a major geopolitical shift could be in the offing. New alliances seem to be in prospect. And there may be new adversaries too. I say let’s stick to the old Chinese proverb, “new friends good, old friends better”. United Europe has been good for China. Don’t let it go down the drain!’

Once again, President Liu looked across the table to Zhang.

‘Comrade Zhang, please note our conclusions on this point. If President Popov’s objective – heaven forbid – is to achieve the break-up of Europe with or without the assistance of the United States, our objective must be to save it. It will not be the first time that China has found itself on the opposite side of the table from Russia, and it will not be the last. I am glad to know that you and your people are already taking steps to avoid any unfortunate outcomes. Please double and redouble your efforts.’

Rounds of applause were very seldom heard in the standing committee of the Politburo. That was not the way they did things usually. But the applause which greeted President Liu’s last remark was long and heartfelt. The China–US relationship, ever since Kissinger and Nixon first came to China back in the early 1970s, had been crucially important. But that relationship might be about to change. In that case, the China–EU relationship, which was almost equally important, might need to be seen in a whole new perspective. Not merely an optional extra, but a vital element in the new world order. Provided of course that the EU itself didn’t go down the drain. And that surely couldn’t be allowed to happen.

President Liu had one last point to cover before bringing the meeting to a close.

‘Comrade Zhang, please tell us your conclusions in the matter of the Amur tiger.’

Zhang shuffled the papers in front of him. ‘The hour is late, comrades, and you have the detailed report from the director of forestry and wildlife of Heilongjiang Province in front of you. We are quite clear that the tiger, which has recently crossed over from Russia into China and whose movements we are following closely, is indeed the tiger which President Popov claims to have darted. But it was not in fact darted by President Popov. It was already darted, back in 2014, and has been in the database since then.’

‘Comrade Zhang, please come to the point.’ President Liu couldn’t stand people who beat about the bush. ‘If Popov didn’t shoot the tiger, who or what did he shoot?’

‘Mr President. Khabarovsk, as you know, is literally on the China–Russia border. We have many intelligence assets there as you can imagine. Our Russian friends are constantly complaining about illegal migrants from China arriving in their frontier regions. Some of those migrants, I can confirm, work as orderlies and nurses in Khabarovsk General Hospital. We know from our sources that the American Ronald Craig was taken to the hospital on the afternoon of May10th. Apparently he had a wound which needed treatment.’

‘What kind of a wound?’

‘Nothing important, as we understand. But it needed looking at.’

‘What exactly needed looking at?’ President Liu Wang-Ji persisted.

‘The wound was in Mr Craig’s backside, I believe. The left buttock to be precise, according to the information we have.’

‘Oh dear!’ There was a pause and then President Liu wiped the tears of laughter from his eyes. He was as ready to enjoy a joke as the next man. The trouble was, being the leader of a nation of almost one and a half billion people was a pretty serious business. Good jokes didn’t come along very often.