Kay Hooper - The Wizard Of Seattle

She would have preferred to remain with him, to talk about what they had so far learned about Atlantis, but Merlin had made it clear he had no intention of speculating until they had more information. At least that was what he said. Serena knew it wasn't that simple. She didn't have to read his mind to know that he was deeply disturbed by what information they had already, and he had withdrawn from her again, retreating behind his remote mask to keep distance between them.

The truth, Serena thought, was that he didn't want to discuss some of what they'd learned because it cut too dose to them and to the tension between them.

Neither of them had actually mentioned what Roxanne had said regarding male and female wizards- that they apparently never engaged in sex together-but Serena couldn't stop thinking about it… no male wizard would dare attempt to take his pleasure with a woman of power . Even when there was no force? When it was not merely sex, but lovemaking? Were there no wizards capable of trusting each other enough to mate?

That question troubled Serena more than all the others, causing her to consider her relationship with Merlin in an entirely different light. She knew no wizards other than him in their time; if she had known others, would she have seen the same male/female segregation in their society? Was it considered normal even in their time? And was her relationship with Merlin so tense and tentative now for that very reason-because an unthreatening girl child had become a woman he could never trust?

Was the "boundary" he had told her they mustn't cross an uncompromising and ancient line born out of hate and suspicion, created to divide not Master and Apprentice, but male and female wizards?

The questions and thoughts followed Serena into a shallow, restless sleep, the last sight to meet her eyes that of Merlin sitting by the fire, his face turned upward as he studied the shifting, glistening Curtain. When she woke abruptly, the fire had burned out, Merlin was not visible-probably sleeping in his own lean-to-and Roxanne lay stiffly beside her.

Serena's instincts told her more than her clouded senses, and she put a gentle hand on the younger woman's rigid arm. "It's all right," she murmured. "Cry if you need to. Grieve. Get mad about it. Then you can really begin to heal."

Roxanne did cry, almost silently but with such intensity that her slender body shuddered beneath the force of her pain and grief and rage. Serena didn't attempt to soothe or stop her; she merely provided a willing shoulder and compassionate silence.

Exhausted at last, Roxanne slept, but Serena lay awake for a long time. She realized she was listening tensely to the unfamiliar night sounds of Atlantis, that being reminded of what had happened to Roxanne had made her nervous and more than a little frightened- enough so that sleep was not going to come easily. Packs composed of some of the village men hunted most nights, Roxanne had told her, hopeful of finding a careless female wizard who had strayed too far from Sanctuary and had gotten caught by the night and the Curtain.

It was all because the male wizards had, long ago, created the fiction that by possessing a female wizard sexually, a powerless man could acquire some of her power.

"Never mind that it isn't true," Roxanne had said bitterly. "The males made it seem true by gifting an occasional rapist with a little bit of power-not enough to hurt the males, of course. They still do it sometimes, still reward the rape of a female wizard. So we're all vulnerable at night."

"But the rapists have to live in the daytime, too," Serena had protested. "If a woman is raped, can't she go after them later, when she can use her powers?"

"If she survives." Roxanne's voice was bleak. "Most don't. So even though any of the wizards in Sanctuary would destroy the rapists without hesitation, there's usually no way of knowing the guilty men. And we can't destroy them all…"

Serena gazed across their darkened camp, thinking, acutely aware that her body was far weaker than she was accustomed to, that the Curtain had drained her strength even though she hadn't attempted to use her powers. Despite the large branch that she had earlier found and put nearby for defense, the truth was that she was hideously vulnerable to anyone or anything that might attack her.

All her life Serena had been carelessly certain of her strength, her power; it had formed the core of her self-confidence and presence. She had felt vulnerable emotionally, but never physically, and her sense of helplessness now was as alien as this place.

She was afraid and felt very, very alone. Worst of all, the person closest to her was no longer someone she could instinctively and trustingly go to with her fears. Now she hesitated, wary and uncertain.

Because he was a man-and a wizard.

By midway through the following morning, they were no more than a mile from Sanctuary. Roxanne hardly spoke-not at all to Merlin-and kept close to Serena. The fragile blond was pale but controlled; she seemed physically all right, or else was drawing on her wizard's powers, because she had no trouble in walking steadily with the other two.

Still, Merlin called a halt after they'd been traveling for a few hours. He had carefully avoided getting near Roxanne, but it was obvious to Serena that he'd kept an eye on the young wizard and knew she needed rest, even if she wouldn't show it or admit to it.

Serena left Roxanne sitting on a fallen tree and moved a few yards away to join Merlin, who stood on the bank of a wide but shallow stream they would have to cross.

"This water's bad, isn't it?" she asked.

He nodded. "You can smell the sulfur. I'm willing to bet most of the groundwater's no good. The wizards can create fresh water, but I don't know what the villagers do."

Serena started to suggest that maybe the lake near the village contained drinkable water, but she caught a glimpse of his left hand just then, and all thoughts of water vanished. With a gasp she caught his hand and lifted it between them. His arm tensed as if to draw away from her, but then relaxed.

"What happened?" Cradling his hand in both hers, she stared down at the vicious blisters marking each of his long fingers. Burns, she realized. Then she remembered, and looked up at his face quickly. "Roxanne had burns like these all over her hands when we found her."

Merlin met her gaze, his own calm. "Yes."

"You had to find out, didn't you? You had to try and use your powers last night."

"Of course," he answered matter-of-factly. "We couldn't know for sure that the Curtain would affect us as it does them until I made the attempt."

"'So now we know it does affect us."

"Yes. And I wouldn't advise you to try. The effects are rather painful."

Serena looked down at his hand again, knowing that the burns must have been much worse when they were first inflicted than what she saw now. Wizards tended to heal from their rare injuries extremely quickly, but not even a Master wizard could heal himself. Merlin had once told Serena he believed that inability was simply another reminder that no mortal being could be all-powerful.

She very gently traced one blister on his index finger with the tip of her thumb, not even conscious of her desire to heal him until the blister began to fade.

"Serena…"

"Roxanne can't see what I'm doing."

"That isn't the point."

"Healing the skin is simple," she murmured, touching the blisters one by one and watching them fade away, replaced by healthy skin. "It was the first thing you taught me when I began studying healing."

"You promised not to attempt to heal anything until I said you were ready," he reminded her.

Serena looked at his unblemished skin with satisfaction, then met his eyes innocently. "How can I be expected to keep a promise I won't even make for millennia?"