Lisa Gardner - Alone

Finally, just to keep busy, she started messing around in the kitchen. Nathan wasn't allowed chocolate. Instead, she heated up a mug of vanilla-flavored soy milk. He accepted the mug wordlessly, his eyes glued to the TV.

"How does your stomach feel?"

He shrugged.

"Are you hungry?"

Another shrug.

"Maybe you'd like some yogurt."

He shook his head, pointedly staring at the TV.

Catherine retreated once more to the kitchen. Now that she was paying attention, they desperately needed groceries. Soy milk was low, soy yogurt, too. Nathan ate a special gluten-free bread, nearly gone. His organic peanut butter, almost wiped out as well. She started working on a list, then remembered that they had an appointment with the new doctor tomorrow afternoon and paused.

She headed back out of the kitchen, past the bar, and stepped down into the sunken family room.

"Nathan, we need to talk."

Reluctantly, Nathan turned his TV-glazed stare onto her.

"Dr. Tony can't be your doctor anymore."

She hesitated, fully planning on telling the truth, then looked at his drawn face and lost her courage.

"Dr. Tony thinks you need a special doctor. A super-duper doctor. One with superpowers."

Only four years old, Nathan gave her the look of a born skeptic. God, why wasn't Prudence home yet? Sure, she had the whole day off, but did she have to stay out all night too? Didn't she know how much Catherine might need her? Catherine tried again.

"Tomorrow, we're going to see a new doctor. Dr. lorfino. His specialty is little boys just like you."

"New doctor?"

"New doctor."

Nathan looked at her. Then he very deliberately held up his mug of soy milk and poured it out onto the carpet.

Catherine took a deep breath. She wasn't mad at Nathan-not yet-but she felt a growing, displaced rage toward Prudence, who had abandoned her, thereby forcing her to handle this scene.

"That wasn't very nice, Nathan. Only bad boys dump their milk on the rug. You don't want to be a bad boy."

Nathan's lower lip was starting to tremble now. He jutted it out, nodding furiously.

"I'm bad! And bad boys don't go to doctors!"

He had tears in his eyes. Big, unshed tears, that hurt a mother even worse than angry sobs.

"Dr. lorfino's going to help you," Catherine insisted.

"Dr. lorfino is going to get you well. Make you a big kid, so you can play with all the others."

"Doctors don't help! Doctors have needles. Needles don't help!"

"Someday they will."

Nathan looked her right in the eye.

"Fuck doctors!" he said clearly.

"Nathan!"

And then, "I know what you're trying to do," he said in a sly, nasty voice she'd never heard before.

"You're trying to kill me."

Catherine's heart stopped in her chest. She headed back into the kitchen, hoping Nathan wouldn't see how badly her hands were trembling. You're in control now, she kept telling herself. This was the true consequence of Jimmy being dead. No more excuses, no more escapes. Buck stopped with her now. She was in charge.

She got a roll of paper towels and returned to the family room. Nathan looked a great deal less certain. His chin was tucked against his bony chest, his shoulders were up around his ears.

He was waiting for her to hit him. It's what Jimmy would've done.

She held out the roll of paper towels. After another moment, Nathan took it.

"Please wipe up the milk, Nathan."

He remained hunched.

"You know what? You do half, I'll do half. We'll do it together." She took the roll back, briskly ripping off sheets. After another moment, he did the same. She got on her hands and knees. This intrigued him enough to emerge from his cocoon of pillows. She started blotting.

"See, it comes right up."

Slowly but surely, he followed suit.

When they were done, she took the pile of soggy paper into the kitchen and threw it away. In the family room, Nathan ejected the movie. He sat in the middle of the soy-stained rug, still looking small and forlorn.

It was bedtime. Both of them stared at the dark shadows looming at the top of the stairs.

"Mommy," he whispered, "if I go to so many doctors, why don't I ever get better?"

"I don't know. But someday we're going to figure it out, and then you'll get to run around just like all the other kids. Come on, Nathan, it's time for bed."

He reached up his arms. She gave in to his silent request. For a split second, he hugged her hard. For a split second, she hugged him back.

And then, at that moment, she knew what was wrong.

The draft of air. Very cold, very crisp, very outside air drifted down the stairwell. It ruffled Nathan's fine brown hair. And it carried with it the unmistakable odor of death.

For a change, Bobby wasn't asleep. He'd given up on it. Fuck sleep, fuck healthy foods, fuck moderate exercise. He'd taken everything Dr. Lane had told him to do and tossed it out the window. Now he was pacing his family room on exhausted, rubbery legs, gnawing cold pizza, guzzling a liter of Coke, and working himself into a state.

He had messages on his answering machine. A lot from reporters. A few from his team. Bruni invited him to dinner again. Two guys from the EAU asked if he wanted to meet. Everyone calling to check up on the psycho shooter cop. He should be grateful, appreciative. Once on the team, always on the team, that's what they said.

He was resentful. He didn't want their calls, he didn't want their attention. Frankly, he didn't want to be the psycho shooter cop, the unfortunate sniper who'd discharged his weapon in the line of duty and now was screwed for the rest of his life. Fuck the team, fuck camaraderie. None of the rest of them had their butts on the line.

Yeah, he was feeling good and sorry for himself now.

He thought about calling his brother in Florida. Hey, Georgie boy, it's been what, ten, fifteen years? Just thought I'd give you a ring. Oh yeah, I blew some guy away the other day and that reminded me of something. What exactly happened with Mom?

Or maybe he'd call Dr. Lane instead. Good news, I haven't had a drink today. Bad news, I fucked up everything else. Say, if you have a chance to save yourself by ratting out someone else, should you do it? Or is that the kind of thing that'll just drive you insane? He couldn't stand himself in this kind of mood, so edgy he felt as if he were going to burst out of his own skin, so ragged he could barely think. Honest to God, he needed to shoot something.

Instead, his phone rang. He picked it up and he wasn't even surprised anymore.

"This is Catherine," a husky female voice whispered straight out of his dreams and into his ear.

"Come over right away. I think someone's broken into my house. Please, Officer Dodge, I need you."

Then the phone went click and the sound of dial tone filled Bobby's ear.

"Intruder, my ass," Bobby muttered, but then he shrugged. The call solved one problem for him. Now he had an excuse to get his gun.

driving by the Gagnon residence, Bobby expected to feel a creepy sense of deja vu. He didn't. Thursday night it had been all lights, cameras, action. Now, nearly midnight on a school night, the dignified brick neighborhood was quiet, discreet, a proper lady gone to bed with curlers in her hair.

He looked around for a patrol car and was slightly surprised none were about. He would've bet money Copley was having the BPD keep close tabs on Mrs. Gagnon.

Bobby parked twelve blocks away, at the movie theater by Huntington Ave. He made a note of the late shows and when they started. The cool, detached part of his mind found it interesting that he was already building an alibi.

Making the dozen-block hike to Back Bay, the saner part of his mind tried to reason with him. What was he doing? What did he honestly think was going to happen? He didn't buy Catherine's intruder story for a minute. Instead, he was thinking of what Harris had told him. She's going to call you again. She's going to tell you that you're the only hope she has left. She's going to beg you to help her. It's what she does, Officer Dodge; she destroys men's lives.