Greg Iles - Turning Angel

A month passes without major changes in Kate’s pattern. Then Cyrus reappears, like a supply ship that arrives once a month.

1/14

Cyrus is definitely getting to be a problem. Tonight he walked me into a corner and murmured stuff right in my ear. He asked if I had ”something against niggers.“ His word, not mine. I told him I didn’t, but that I was in love with someone else. He asked who. ”Some gay-ass white boy? “ he said. God, I wanted to tell him about Drew. That would have made him step back! He just stared at me like a wild man, like he blames me for driving him crazy. Then he touched my right breast-not too hard, just a tweak to my nipple. I was wearing a bra, thank God, because my headlights definitely came on, from fear, I’m sure. He could probably see them, but too bad. He’s making himself crazy. I just hope I don’t have to do this much longer. But it’s all in a good cause, right? At least I see it that way. The cops definitely wouldn’t.

This passage makes me think Kate was seeing Cyrus to buy drugs. I’m ecstatic to find evidence of Cyrus’s obsession with Kate; I only wish I could show selected portions of this journal to Shad Johnson. A dangerous game.

2/3

Tonight I told Drew that the best kisser I ever knew was a girl. Have to be honest, right? Nothing ever aroused me faster than Sarah Evans’s tongue in my mouth. It anticipated every want before I even wanted it. Drew asked if she kissed me ”down low“ better than he does. Again, yes, but I think she had an unfair advantage! She knows the territory better than any man could. At least Drew doesn’t freak out like other guys about other sex I’ve had. (How can he though, he’s been with like 22 women-21 before he got married.) Of course I’ve never cheated on him. That would probably be different. In fact, I know it would. I never want to find out! I never want to see him truly angry!

As I read the last line again, I know I can never show this journal to Shad. Here is the smoking gun that the D.A. would give anything to be able to read aloud to a jury.

By mid-February, Kate is growing less obsessed with sex and more concerned with the future of her relationship with Drew.

2/19

I’ve always heard people say, ”Youth is wasted on the young,“ but I didn’t understand that until I’d been with Drew awhile. Now I look around and see people my age living from moment to moment, jumping from thing to thing without thought. On one hand it’s beautiful to be completely in the moment, but it’s also like being less alive, almost living like an animal, without past or future. Except people aren’t truly like animals, because they’re haunted by insecurity. Kids don’t realize how much freedom they have to screw up, over and over if they need to, because that’s the true gift of youth-time. The need to be accepted drives everyone to crazy extremes, even adults. But in my peers it’s almost a manic need. And girls are the WORST. It isn’t even acceptance that most of them want, but ATTENTION. My god, the things they’ll do to get it. Alter their voices, act out, give blowjobs to guys they barely know, ”Look at me! Look at me! Notice me!“ I talked to a couple of friends about it, but of course they think I don’t understand their problems. They all say I’m so beautiful and smart and assume I’ve never had to deal with self-doubt. A couple of years ago I was a pathetic wreck, I just hid it better than most. Guess I learned that from Mom. Thanx, Mom, if you ever read this.

2/24

Mom knows! Oh, my God. I don’t know how I’m going to tell Drew. I’m only writing because Drew didn’t get on the computer. Hurry up! He’s going to freak, but I have to let him know somehow that it’s all right. I can’t believe it. All that anxiety I’ve had about Mom finding out, and she’s known for TWO WEEKS. She’s played it so cool. She wouldn’t even tell me how she knows, but she acted like she’s seen us together or something. Maybe she followed me over there. Maybe she walked in on us here and didn’t tell me. It’s so weird. She said she knows I think I’m in love with him, but that’s only natural since I’m so young and he’s such a good guy in so many ways. She’s really concerned with Drew’s feelings, I think, and she wants to talk to him. Actually, now that I think about it, Drew will be glad it’s come to this. I mean, I think he will. I guess I should look at this as a test. If he panics and doesn’t want to talk to her, then he’s not serious about wanting to be with me. I’m just a diversion. God, that would kill me! But if that’s how he reacts, I’ve got to face it.

2/26

Every time I go to Cyrus’s I tell myself it’s the last time. But then I have to go again. It’s just taking so LONG. Longer than Drew’s worst estimate. Sometimes I feel stupid for waiting, but that’s par for the course, I guess. I should talk to some other mistresses about this. I’m sure we’re a silent sisterhood, suffering alone, yet all dealing with the same issues. I feel your pain, girls!

3/4

Mom and Drew talked tonight! He actually came over to our house at 10:30, and the two of them talked in the kitchen for like two hours. I went over to Lessley’s before he got there, because Mom wanted to see him alone. She called me home at one a.m. She had tears in her eyes when I walked in, but I think she was happy. I asked her what was wrong, and she said, ”I don’t know why I’m crying.“ And I said, ”What happened? Tell me!“ She just hugged me and said, ”He really loves you, honey. He loves you in a way no one ever loved me. You’re very lucky in that. You’re just unlucky in the circumstances.“ She said a lot more, but I can’t sit still to write it! I’m going over to Drew’s in twenty minutes. Oh My God. I can’t wait for him to talk to Dad! He’s one person the great David Townsend sure won’t intimidate. I think Mom wants to see that encounter too. It makes me realize how Daddy has used his education and his gender to intimidate us. I want to see what he’s like when that advantage is neutralized by superior strength and intelligence. Hell, yeah!

3/14

Mom’s been worrying lately. She trusts Drew. She even worries for him. Her main worry is Timmy, I think. She doesn’t know whether Drew’s love for me is strong enough to make him leave Tim. I understand Drew’s conflict, though the irony is devastating. Because one of the things I love about him is that he’s NOT like my dad. Yes, he could divorce Ellen, but he could never abandon Tim. He’ll always be the father he needs to be, and that’s just something I’m going to have to deal with. I mean, I love Timmy too, even though he isn’t mine. And Drew and I can have our own after a while, anyway. It’s going to be all right. I know it is.

3/19

Got my acceptance letter! YEAH! Now I get to drop the ”H-bomb“ like all the other Ivy League brats. And now I’m second-guessing myself, of course. Before I got in, I thought I wasn’t good enough for Harvard. Now it’s like…maybe it’s too cliché for me. It’s like Woody Allen said, ”I’d never want to join a club that would take me as a member.“ Plus, I saw the same juvenile shit in Cambridge that I did when I visited Ole Miss. Stop overanalyzing! You got what you wanted. Live with it!

Then Kate’s final entry:

3/31

Five days now. Never been this late before. Drew told me to get a test at the pharmacy, but I’ve been too nervous. I don’t want to know yet. There’s so much stress already, I don’t want to add my being pregnant to it. Drew doesn’t need that. Neither does Mom. Neither do I . But I keep thinking about that senior party at the lake, when I got so drunk. I know I missed my pill that day, and maybe even the day after. Shit, what if I am? I always thought I’d get an abortion, but now that it’s real, that’s not such an easy call. I mean, what if I had the baby? Drew already told me that it’s my decision, he won’t pressure me either way, and I know he means it. In some way it would be such a relief. My future would be decided, at least in that way.