Sue Grafton - S is for Silence

On she read, somewhat discomfited to realize she wasn’t mentioned at all. The entries about Ty created a sharp pang. She suddenly understood that while she, Kathy, was focused on normal teen concerns, Liza was moving into womanhood. The details of Liza’s relationship with Ty created a weird sensation of heat between Kathy’s legs. At times she’d felt something similar when reading True Confessions and she’d known it was wrong. She’d done her best to steer Liza away from tawdriness and back to the safety of movie stars and movie magazines. She assumed she’d succeeded so it was doubly shocking to realize that Liza was caught up in the same conflicts that filled trashy publications. How degrading for her. No wonder she couldn’t bring herself to confide. Kathy could just imagine the stories: “Too Ashamed to Tell My Best Friend!”

“His Love Is Leading Me Down the Wrong Path but I Can’t Stop Myself!”

“If Only I Had Someone to Turn To: One Young Woman’s Struggle to Stay Pure.”

Instantly, Kathy knew she could be of help. As desperate as Liza was, she’d never be able to confess her plight. And, quite naturally, Kathy couldn’t admit that she’d read the diary behind Liza’s back. No wonder Liza was withdrawn. Given Kathy’s high standards, Liza probably thought she’d be repulsive to her. How could she aspire to Absolute Purity when she was already compromised? Tampax had been the first step. The insertion of a tampon might even have unleashed slumbering impulses of the lowest sort. She had to find a way to let Liza know there was hope, that she hadn’t strayed so far that there was no turning back. She was fully prepared to offer her friend whatever help she needed. It was just a matter of eliciting the information she wasn’t supposed to have.

While she’d waited for Liza’s call, she rehearsed various ways of broaching the subject. It wasn’t Liza’s fault. Liza’s father didn’t even live in the same state. Liza scarcely saw him, and when she did, it was only, like, every six months, and Liza said they didn’t really talk. In effect, she had no moral guidance whatever, so what could you expect? In most of these scenarios, Liza would weep with gratitude, and Kathy would comfort her at length.

Hours passed and Kathy was seriously alarmed by the time her mother finally hollered up the stairs. “Kathy? Liza’s on the phone.”

Kathy’s stomach was knotted with dread. What if Liza had spent the whole day with Ty? What if he’d kissed her and she’d found herself melting at his touch. Kathy had meant to convey her utter trustworthiness, but she’d forgotten about the bath powder and Liza’s thanking her for the gift had thrown her off. Next thing she knew, all her pain had poured out. She sensed how pathetic she was, but she longed for the familiar Liza, instead of this alien person who’d been locked in the arms of a “Boy from the Wrong Side of the Tracks!” Liza hadn’t even seemed contrite. She said she was sorry, but it didn’t sound that way. Kathy had been so relieved when she realized the problem was Liza’s mother. Sick and contagious? Well, no wonder. What did the woman expect at the rate she smoked cigarettes and drank? Kathy comforted her friend as best she could, but there wasn’t any way to steer the subject around to you-know-what. Even so, by the time they hung up, everything seemed fine. She’d still have to find a way to worm the truth out of Liza, but at least things were back to normal. The problem was, she didn’t feel happy and she couldn’t figure out why.

That’s what had driven her to the can of Chef Boyardee, not hunger so much as confusion and despair. Her mother called her for supper and she was finally able to sit down at the table. She ignored her parents’ little spat and focused on her plate. She’d been looking forward to the Welch Rabbit, which was every bit as good as she’d hoped. Soft, warm cheese oozing across the golden brown raft of Wonder Bread. She’d put oleo on the toast and the taste of melted margarine under the puddle of rich cheese was enough to make her weep. Her pain was receding and she was almost feeling safe when her father made an offhand remark about Liza. Kathy could hardly pay attention. She was starving. She hadn’t finished the can of ravioli and she knew if her parents noticed how eagerly she was plowing through her food, they’d snatch it away from her and leave her desolate. She’d suffered losses enough.

At first, the notion of Liza having lunch with Violet was absurd. Where’d he get that? She knew he said it to be mean, but he didn’t usually make things up. Then she caught his mistake. “Very funny. Ha ha. And where’s Daisy all this time? Did you forget about her?”

“She was sitting right there with a big bowl of buttered noodles she was slurping through her lips.”

That was the line that clinched it. Her father had never even been around Daisy. How could he know about her slurping her noodles unless he’d actually seen her do it? She’d protested, arguing the point, but only because she didn’t want him to see he’d gotten the best of her. Her mother’s feeble attempt to intervene only made it worse.

By the time her father left the house, Kathy was taking the steps two at a time, on her way to her room. She slammed the door and locked it. Weeping, she threw herself across her bed. This was the worst day of her life! She’d never felt so betrayed. Liza had lied about everything.

On her very own birthday, she’d chosen to be with Violet Sullivan. They’d spent the whole entire day in a fancy restaurant, eating shrimp. All Kathy had ever wanted was to be with her friend and now look what she’d done.

She wasn’t sure how long she’d been crying when she heard a little tap at her door and her mother calling her name. She knew her eyes were swollen to the size of Ping-Pong balls and her nose was so snotty she wondered if she was coming down with a cold. “Go away!”

“Kathy, I brought you something. Do you mind if I come in?”

“Just leave me alone.”

“I have a little treat for you.”

“What.”

“Open the door and you’ll see.”

Reluctantly Kathy blew her nose on a hankie and wiped her eyes with the hem of her T-shirt. She got up and unlocked the door.

Her mother stood holding a glass of milk and a plate of brownies. “I made these for my canasta club, but I have plenty. They’re your favorite-double chocolate with walnuts and pecans.”

“I don’t feel like eating.”

“Not even one? You hardly ate your supper so you must be a little hungry. Can I come in? Just for a minute?”

“I guess.”

Kathy went back to her bed and sat down. Her mother put the glass of milk and the plate of brownies on the bed table. She could tell the brownies were still warm because she could smell the chocolate, as heady as perfume. She couldn’t remember when her mother last offered her something to eat. Usually it was the other way around. Yet here they were, Kathy with her heart broken, her mother sitting on the other twin bed, her expression filled with concern. “Are you feeling better?”

“No.” Without looking at the plate, Kathy reached out and took a brownie and held it in her hand.

Her mother said, “I can see how upset you are.”

“So.”

“I can understand why you’re mad at Liza for lying, but is there anything else?”

“Like what?” She broke off a corner and put it on her tongue. She could feel tears sting her eyes.

“I don’t know, Sweetie. That’s why I asked. I get the impression there’s more here than meets the eye. Is there anything you want to talk about?”

Kathy couldn’t figure out what her mother was getting at. “Not really.”

“Kathykins, I don’t want us keeping secrets. That’s not what a mother and daughter do when they want to feel close.”