Sue Grafton - S is for Silence

When Kathy first told her mother what Miss Carrico had said about how fat she was, her mother had been livid. She’d gone straight to the school principal to complain about the teacher’s lack of tact and her sticking her nose into other people’s business where it didn’t belong. The principal must have turned around and given Miss Carrico a serious talking-to because now she made a point of ignoring Kathy, avoiding the sight of her altogether as though she didn’t exist. Not that Kathy cared. If Miss Carrico tried to make trouble over her PE grade, she intended to tell her mother about the way she acted around Miss Powell, the home economics teacher. When Miss Carrico thought no one was looking, she got all weird and intense. It was almost like she had a crush on the other woman, which Kathy didn’t think was right. She’d talked to her minister about it after one of the Moral Rearmament meetings, and he’d told her he’d look into it, but in the meantime to keep the information “under her hat.” Kathy wasn’t sure how long she was supposed to wait before she took matters into her own hands.

Actually, she thought it was possible Miss Carrico resented the Cramer family for their position in the community. On the second of June, for instance, for Queen Elizabeth’s coronation, the principal had especially asked if Kathy’s dad would bring in their tabletop Ardmore television set, so Kathy’s class could watch the pageant all the way from England. He’d carried the TV into school and set it up right there in her seventh-grade homeroom. All the kids had gathered around to watch the ceremony and afterward, the principal made a point of personally thanking her in front of everyone. Miss Carrico had been standing in the back of the room with a smirk on her face, obviously not realizing Kathy could see straight through to that jealous heart of hers.

By the same token, Kathy hoped the principal’s praise and recognition hadn’t made Liza feel bad. Liza might be prettier and get better grades, but that didn’t make up for the fact that Kathy came from a better family. Her father was a well-known businessman and her mother was often mentioned in the society section of the local paper. Kathy and her parents went to church together every Sunday, Kathy wearing her short white gloves and carrying the white leather Bible she’d been given at Easter. So what if she had to buy her clothes in the chubby department? Her mother said it was all baby fat and she’d turn into a swan. Poor Liza’s mother was divorced and she drank all day long. Kathy didn’t know how Liza could hold her head up, but Livia had explained that girls from broken homes deserved sympathy, not blame. She said Liza was doing the best she could under the circumstances. The important thing was not to lord it over her.

Kathy could see her point. Not only did Kathy have nice clothes, but her mother had a new two-door GE refrigerator with a separate freezer compartment. Also, the refrigerator came with a magic ice tray you twisted and the cubes popped right out. For Christmas, her father had given her mother a brand-new Waring blender that Kathy used to make real milkshakes after school every day until her mother stopped buying ice cream. Livia said Kathy should count her blessings, which she most certainly did. She knew how lucky she was to have a real job working at her father’s dealership while Liza could only earn money babysitting and ironing Violet’s clothes, which made her practically a servant.

Kathy’s mother wanted her to see the value of helping those who couldn’t help themselves-an important lesson in life that Kathy’d taken to heart. She was the one who’d come up with the sewing project. Her plan was that she and Liza could make their entire school wardrobes, using her mother’s Singer sewing machine. Liza hadn’t seemed that interested. She’d twice postponed their shopping trip to buy the pattern and fabric. She’d had a good excuse each time, but Kathy was still hurt. When she’d complained to her mother, Livia suggested Liza might be too embarrassed to admit she didn’t have enough money to pay her share. Kathy understood completely. She’d even set aside ten dollars from her own weekly allowance to share with her friend. She’d appeared at Liza’s door that morning, ready (finally!) to make the trip into town, thinking how excited Liza would be when she realized Kathy was going to make her dreams come true. Kathy could just picture them in their matching outfits, not the same fabric or color, of course, because each of them needed to express her individuality, like it said in Seventeen magazine. But at school, come fall, seeing the similar style of their skirts and weskits, everyone would know they were the very best of friends. She’d been furious when she found out Liza was gone, but she’d decided to turn the other cheek. The principle of Absolute Love had taught her she could rise above petty disappointments. She’d even left a lovely birthday gift in Liza’s room as a surprise for her friend.

At the five-and-dime, she was so caught up in the notion of her own largess, she bought two patterns, one for each of them. In part, this was to show that all was forgiven and in part because she needed a much larger size. She bought three yards of pink wool for herself and a nice big remnant of gray corduroy for Liza. She was eager to share the news, but when Liza called to thank her for the bath powder, Kathy forgot her resolve. Disappointment had welled up and she’d nearly burst into tears until Liza finally explained. Poor, poor thing. She couldn’t help it if her mother was weak.

When Kathy heard her father’s car pulling into the drive, she quickly hid the half-empty ravioli can behind the silverware canteen, then scampered into the living room and flung herself in a chair, her legs over one arm of it. The Howdy Doody Show was on, and for all he knew she’d been sitting in the same casual posture for half the afternoon. “Daddy, is that you?”

“Yes.”

One word and she could tell he was in a bad mood. She wasn’t in such a hot mood herself after her fight with Liza on the phone. It was true what she’d said to her. She’d sooo been looking forward to their shopping trip. They used to go shopping or see a movie every Saturday afternoon until Violet came along. Livia would drive them into Santa Maria and treat them to lunch at the soda fountain, after which she’d give them each a dollar and let them buy anything they wanted. Kathy could still picture the tuna melt and the BLT. Kathy had imagined the two of them walking arm-in-arm into adulthood, best friends, loyal and true, still thrilled to be together the same as they’d always been.

It had taken her half the school year to realize something was wrong. At first, Liza was just busy. Kathy could understand that because when they finally got together, it felt like it always had. They’d giggle and eat popcorn, pour Dr Pepper over ice and have burping contests. Gradually she realized how distant Liza had become. She seemed cool, evasive, and Kathy couldn’t think why. Her mother was the one who pointed it out: first, there’d been Violet, then Ty. Liza had her hands full, so it should come as no surprise she had little left to give. And now that she babysat all the time, what was Kathy supposed to do?

After she’d delivered the birthday present to Liza’s room, she’d spent a few minutes wandering around, touching Liza’s things. Her hairbrush smelled exactly like her and the teddy bear Kathy’d given her was still propped up against the pillows, which she thought was a good sign. She hadn’t meant to snoop, but when she spotted the diary wedged in that dark, cobwebby space behind the bookcase, she’d sat on the bed and leafed through the pages in hopes of feeling connected. She knew it was a form of make-believe, but she loved the illusion of Liza sharing secrets, even though she hadn’t actually confided anything for quite some time. She was also a tiny bit worried Liza was saying unkind things about her behind her back. It was possible Liza had an objection or complaint she was too scared to tell her to her face. Kathy thought perhaps if she could see herself from Liza’s point of view, she could correct whatever it was that was making Liza pull away.