Lawrence Block - Hit Parade

“Oh, you good boy,” Aida Cuppering said, even as she stooped to unclip the lead from Fluffy’s collar.

“Go!” she said, and Fluffy went, tearing down the path at the little terrier.

Keller couldn’t watch the dogs. Instead he looked at the woman, and that was bad enough, as she glowed with the thrill of the kill. After the little dog’s yelping had ceased, after Cuppering’s body had shuddered with whatever sort of climax the spectacle had afforded her, she looked over and realized that Keller was watching her.

“He needs his exercise,” she said, smiling benignly, and turned to clap her hands to urge the dog to return.

Keller never planned what happened next. He didn’t have time, didn’t even think about it. He got to his feet, reached her in three quick strides, cupped her jaw with one hand and fastened the other on her shoulder, and broke her neck every bit as efficiently as her dog had broken the neck of the little terrier.

“So you sawFluffy make a kill.”

He was in White Plains, drinking a glass of iced tea and watching Dot’s television. It was tuned to the Game Show Channel, and the sound was off. Game shows, he thought, were dopey enough when you could hear what the people were saying.

“No,” he said. “I couldn’t watch. The animal’s a killing machine, Dot.”

“Now that’s funny,” she said, “because I was just about to say the same thing about you. I don’t get it, Keller. We take a job for short money because all you have to do is kill a dog. The next thing I know, four people are dead, and two of them used to be clients of ours. I don’t know how we can expect them to recommend us to their friends, let alone give us some repeat business.”

“I didn’t have any choice, Dot.”

“I realize that. They already knew too much when it was just going to be a dog that got killed, but as soon as human beings entered the equation, it became very dangerous to leave them alive.”

“That’s what I thought.”

“And when you come right down to it, all you did was what each of them hired you to do. A says to kill B and C, you kill B and C. And then you kill A, because that’s what B hired you to do. I have to say I think D came out of left field.”

“D? Oh, Aida Cuppering.”

“Nobody wanted her killed,” she said, “and at last report nobody paid to have her killed. Was that what you call pro bono?”

“It was an impulse.”

“No kidding.”

“That dog of hers, killing other dogs is his nature, but there’s no question she did everything she could to encourage it. Just because she liked to watch. I was supposed to kill the dog, but he was just a dog, you know?”

“So you broke her neck. If anyone was watching…”

“Nobody was.”

“A good thing, or you’d have had more necks to break. The police certainly seem puzzled. They seem to think the killing might have been the work of one of her clients. It turns out she really was a dominatrix after all.”

“She would sort of have to have been.”

“And one of her clients lived in the apartment where the love triangle murder-suicide took place earlier that afternoon.”

“George was her client?”

“Not George,” she said. “George lived across the street with Evelyn, remember? No, her client was a man named Edmund Tannen.”

“ Myra ’s husband. I thought he was supposed to be having an affair with Evelyn.”

“I don’t suppose it matters who was doing what to whom,” she said, “since they’re all conveniently dead now. Or inconveniently, but one way or another they’ve all been wiped off the board. I don’t know about you, but I can’t say I’m going to miss any of them.”

“No.”

“And from a financial standpoint, well, it’s not the best payday we ever had, but it’s not the worst, either. Ten for the dog and twenty-five for Evelyn and forty-two for Myra and George. You know what that means, Keller.”

“I can buy some stamps.”

“You sure can. You know the real irony here? Everybody else in the picture is dead, except for the Good Humor man. You didn’t do anything to him, did you?”

“No, for God’s sake. Why would I?”

“Who knows why anybody would do anything. But except for him, they’re all dead. Except for the one creature you were supposed to kill in the first place.”

“Fluffy.”

“Uh-huh. What is it, professional courtesy? One killing machine can’t bear to kill another?”

“He’ll get sent to the YMCA,” he said, “and when nobody adopts him, which they won’t because of his history, he’ll be put to sleep.”

“Is that what they do at the YMCA?”

“Is that what I said? I meant the SPCA.”

“That’s what I figured.”

“The animal shelter, whatever you want to call it. She lived alone, so there’s nobody else to take the dog.”

“In the paper,” Dot said, “it says they found him standing over her body, crying plaintively. But I don’t suppose you stuck around to watch that part.”

“No, I went straight home,” he said. “And this time nobody followed me.”

The following Thursday afternoon,the phone was ringing when he got back to his apartment. “Stay,” he said. “Good boy.” And he went and picked up the phone.

“There you are,” Dot said. “I tried you earlier, but I guess you were out.”

“I was.”

“But now you’re back,” she said. “Keller, is everything all right? You seemed a little out of it when you left here the other day.”

“No, I’m okay.”

“That’s really all I called to ask, because I just…Keller, what’s that sound?”

“It’s nothing.”

“It’s a dog.”

“Well,” he said.

“This whole dog business, it made you miss Nelson, so you went out and got yourself a dog. Right?”

“Not exactly.”

“‘Not exactly.’ What’s that supposed to mean? Oh, no. Keller, tell me it’s not what I think it is.”

“Well.”

“You went out and adopted that goddam killing machine. Didn’t you? You decided putting him to sleep would be a crime against nature, and you just couldn’t bear for that to happen, softhearted creature that you are, and now you’ve saddled yourself with a crazed bloodthirsty beast that’s going to make your life a living hell. Does that pretty much sum it up, Keller?”

“No.”

“No?”

“No,” he said. “Dot, they sent the dog to a shelter, just the way I said they would.”

“Well, there’s a big surprise. I thought for sure they’d run him for the Senate on the Republican ticket.”

“But it wasn’t the SPCA.”

“Or the YMCA either, I’ll bet.”

“They sent him to IBARF.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“The Inter-Boro Animal Rescue Foundation, IBARF for short.”

“Whatever you say.”

“And the thing about IBARF,” he said, “is they never euthanize an animal. If it’s not adoptable, they just keep it there and keep feeding it until it dies of old age.”

“How old is Fluffy?”

“Not that old. And, you know, it’s not like a maximum-security institution there. Sooner or later somebody would leave a cage open, and Fluffy would get a chance to kill a dog or two.”

“I think I see where this is going.”

“Well, what choice did I have, Dot?”

“That’s the thing with you these days, Keller. You never seem to have any choice, and you wind up doing the damnedest things. I’m surprised they let you adopt him.”

“They didn’t want to. I explained how I needed a vicious dog to guard a used-car lot after hours.”

“One that would keep other dogs from breaking in and driving off in a late-model Honda. I hope you gave them a decent donation.”