Stuart Woods - Reckless Abandon

“Name?”

“Fisher.”

Dierdre emitted a deep chuckle. “Oh, Mr. Fisher! What a perfect pairing of client and attorney! And I suppose you’ve come to propose a deal?”

“Well, this sort of thing is really a waste of the court’s time-not to mention yours-and since Mr. Fisher is contrite and unlikely to repeat-”

“Mr. Fisher has already repeated,” Dierdre said. “That’s why I caught the case instead of one of the rookies.”

“Yes, I’m aware of that, but-”

“And the cop in question-Mr. Fisher’s victim-missed two days of duty because of his injury.”

“Mr. Fisher is very sorry about that. He was very drunk at the time, and-”

“Which is why he was stopped in the first place,” Dierdre replied. She consulted a sheet of paper. “A two-point-oh reading on the Richter scale,” she said. “Judge Goldstein is going to just love that.”

“Judge Goldstein is hearing the case?” Stone’s heart sank. Goldstein’s wife had been injured in a collision with a drunk driver a couple of years back, and he was known as a hanging judge where DUIs were concerned.

“Isn’t that lucky?” Dierdre said. “What sort of deal did you have in mind, Stone?”

“I was thinking a written apology to the officer and community service,” Stone said hopefully. It was only an opening gambit.

“Tell you what: If he pleads out, I won’t ask for the death penalty.”

“Heh, heh,” Stone said.

“I’m glad you find this amusing. So do I.”

“Come on, Dierdre, give me a break here, will you?”

“The poor cop didn’t get much of a break, did he? There he was, just doing his duty, protecting the public from a driver too drunk to stand up straight-”

“All right, spare me,” Stone said, throwing up his hands in surrender. “What can you do for me, Dierdre?”

“How about three to five in Attica?” she proposed.

“Dierdre, please. Let’s be realistic; nobody died.”

“Have you ever been kicked in the balls, Stone?”

“Once, a long time ago.”

“I’m glad you had the experience. I was going to do it myself, just so you’d know the pain involved. Was it fun?”

“No, it hurt a lot.”

“Funny, that’s what the cop said. He’ll be using a cane to make his court appearance today.”

“Why don’t we spare him the court appearance, Dierdre? Make me an offer I can take to my client.”

“Six months and no license for five years.”

“Dierdre…”

“He’s lucky I don’t want his license for life.”

“Dierdre…”

“Propose what you feel is an appropriate punishment, Stone, all things considered.”

“He doesn’t deserve to go to jail, Dierdre.”

“Doesn’t he?”

“Let me explain something else: I’ve been retained by a branch of the federal government that I cannot name. He was doing their bidding at the time he was arrested.”

Dierdre clapped a hand to her breast. “Oh, God, he was drunk and violent for the CIA, is that what you’re telling me? I gotta admit, I’ve never heard that one before, though it’s right up there with the dog ate his driver’s license.”

“Shhhh,” Stone said, making tamping motions with his hands. “I didn’t say that, and you mustn’t repeat it.”

“Is that your way of saying he actually was working for the CIA?”

“I can’t go there,” Stone said, pleading in his voice. “Please believe me when I tell you.”

“All right, Stone,” she said. “Since it’s you, and you’re a pretty good lay when no one is watching, here’s my best offer: thirty days at Rikers, a thousand-dollar fine, and his license in my desk drawer for three years.”

Stone slumped. Herbie wasn’t going to like this. “I’ll take it to my client,” he said.

“Don’t sound so down, Stone. You did pretty well for the guy, considering.”

Stone didn’t ask, Considering what? He said his goodbyes and left.

“Don’t be a stranger!” Dierdre called after him down the hallway.

“Thanks, Maria,” Stone said as he passed the front desk.

“Did I mention that the cop was Dierdre’s baby brother, Colin?” Maria asked.

“No, Maria, you didn’t mention that.” Stone got out the door as quickly as he could.

STONE WENT DOWN to the hallway outside the courtroom and was mildly surprised to find Herbie Fisher, dressed in a sober blue suit and tie, waiting for him, and on time, too.

“Hey, Stone,” Herbie said. “How’s it hanging?”

“You’re the one who’s hanging,” Stone said. “You’re in a lot of trouble.”

“Stone, it was only a DUI, that’s all.”

“It was your second DUI, and you haven’t bothered to do your penance for the first one, which was less than a month ago.”

“Well, hell…”

“Let me tell you a few other things that you ought to know,” Stone said. “The cop who received your kick in the crotch was the younger brother of the lady DA who’s prosecuting your case, and the judge who’s hearing it has a wife who was hurt in an accident caused by a DUI. He loves stringing them up by their thumbs.”

Herbie seemed to pale a little. “Can’t we get the DA and the judge, whatchacallit, excused? I mean, they’re both prejudiced against me.”

“Recused. It’s not going to happen because I’ve already gotten you the best possible deal.”

Herbie blew out a sigh of relief. “I knew you’d come through for me, Stone. Lance said you’d make it go away.”

“I didn’t say it was going away. I said I got you the best possible deal.”

Herbie looked worried. “What kind of a deal?”

“You do thirty days, pay a thousand-dollar fine, and lose your license for three years.”

“WHAT?” Herbie yelled. “I’m not doing time for this, and I’m sure as hell not going to give up driving. I just bought a new car!”

“You’re lucky they’re not taking the new car,” Stone said. “When Giuliani was mayor, that’s what they did-first DUI, they towed it away.”

“Stone, Lance promised me…”

“Then talk to Lance about it.”

“I can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“Well, Lance is sort of hard to get hold of, you know? He always called me.”

“That’s tough, Herbie. You’ve fucked yourself, so you may as well lie back and enjoy it.”

Herbie was shaking his head vigorously. “I’ll go to trial,” he said. “I’ll get a better deal than that from a jury.”

“Are you insane?”

“I know how to talk to a jury,” Herbie said. “They’ll believe me.”

“So your idea of dealing with this is to perjure yourself?”

“Absolutely not. I’ll tell the truth.”

“You’ll tell a jury you were on your second DUI in a month, with a blood alcohol level of more than double the legal limit, and that you kicked a cop in the balls? Do you want to end up in Sing-Sing?”

Herbie was still shaking his head. “Lance said you’d make it go away.”

“What do you want me to do, bribe the judge?”

Herbie brightened. “How much would that cost?”

Stone dragged Herbie over to a bench and sat him down. “Now you listen to me,” he said. “You’ve behaved stupidly by driving drunk twice in a row. You’ve injured a young policeman who is the brother of the ADA prosecuting you, and the judge has a thing about DUIs. What do you think that adds up to?”

“Okay, I’ll do the fine and the license thing, but no jail time. I’m too pretty to go to jail. I’ll get raped the first day.”

“First of all, you’re not all that pretty. Second of all, you’re extraordinarily lucky to have to do only thirty days. The DA’s first offer was six months, and if you went to trial, you’d probably get a year. Can’t you understand that you’ve fucked up royally, and that now you’re going to have to take responsibility for your actions?”