Stuart Woods: Reckless Abandon

“You did not.”

Stone turned to Holly. “He did not. I noticed, though. I just didn’t say anything.”

“Yeah, sure,” Holly replied. “What’s for dinner?”

“I’m having a spinach salad, chopped, and the spaghetti alla carbonara,” Stone said.

“Me, too.”

“All right,” Dino said, “I’ll join you. Why confuse the waiter by ordering something different?”

Frank appeared, and they ordered.

“I’m confused,” Frank said. “You all had the same drinks, and now you’re having the same dinner?”

“What’s confusing about that?” Dino asked.

Frank shook his head and walked away.

Stone’s cell phone vibrated, and he dug it out and flipped it open. “Hello?”

“Stone?”

“Yes, who’s this?”

“It’s Herbie Fisher! How are you?”

Stone groaned. “I’m in the middle of dinner, Herbie. Call me in the morning.”

“Isn’t this great? You’re representing me again!”

“No, it’s not great, Herbie, and my food is getting cold. Call me in the morning.”

“Do I take two aspirin?”

“What?”

“You know, take two aspirin and call me in the morning. Isn’t that what lawyers say?”

“That’s what doctors say, Herbie.”

“Whatever. So you’re going to make these charges go away?”

“I’m going to do the best I can for you, Herbie.”

“Lance said you were going to make them go away.”

“What did you do? What are the charges?”

“Wait a minute. I’ve got the ticket here somewhere.” There was the sound of papers rustling.

“That your new client?” Dino asked, smirking.

“Oh, shut up.”

“Why do I have to shut up?” Herbie asked.

“Not you, Herbie. Did you find the ticket?”

“Well, yeah, but you wanted me to shut up.”

“Herbie, I was talking to somebody else. I’m in a restaurant, having dinner with friends. Or, at least, I was, until you called.”

“Yeah, I got the ticket right here.”

“What does it say the charges are?”

“Let’s see: DUI, driving with a suspended license, and-you’re not going to believe this, Stone-resisting arrest with violence.”

“And why wouldn’t I believe that, Herbie?”

“You know me, Stone. I’m not a violent person.”

“What did you do to the cop, Herbie?”

“It’s kind of hazy. I’d had a couple beers.”

“Did the cop Breathalyze you?”

“Yeah.”

“What was the reading?”

“Two-point-oh.”

“Jesus, Herbie, that’s more than double the legal limit! Could you even walk?”

“Not good. Like I said, it’s all pretty hazy.”

“Why was your license suspended, Herbie?”

“Oh, I guess that was that other DUI.”

“You had a previous DUI? When?”

“I don’t know, two, three weeks ago.”

“So you’ve had two DUIs in less than a month?”

“I guess.”

“What did the judge give you for the first one?”

“Community service and DUI school.”

“Have you performed any community service?”

“Not yet. I been pretty busy.”

“Did you attend DUI school?”

“Not all of it.”

“How many times did you go?”

“Uh, once.”

“It’s three classes, right?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“And you went to just one?”

“Stone, you have no idea how boring those classes are.”

“Herbie, you have no idea how boring it is in a cell on Rikers Island.”

“Well, you’re not going to let that happen, are you? Lance said you’d make it all go away.”

“Herbie, back to the resisting arrest with violence: What did you do to the cop?”

“Well, we argued a little.”

“That’s not violence. What did you do to him?”

“It’s all pretty hazy. I might have kicked him.”

“Oh, Jesus. Kicked him where?”

“Maybe in the balls.”

Stone made a whimpering noise. “I have to finish dinner, Herbie. Call me in the morning.”

“I have to be in court in the morning.”

“You mean there’s another charge?”

“No, it’s the same one.”

“And your court appearance is tomorrow morning ?”

“Yeah.”

“At what time?”

“Ten o’clock.”

“That’s just great, Herbie. I’ll meet you in the hallway outside the courtrooms at nine-thirty, and you’d better be there, sober and neatly dressed.”

“All right, I’ll be there,” Herbie said, sounding chastened.

Stone hung up.

“Where did Herbie kick the cop?” Dino asked.

“In the balls.”

Dino and Holly collapsed in laughter.

STONE GOT TO the courthouse at eight a.m. and went upstairs to the warren of cubicles and offices that housed the assistant district attorneys.

“Hey, Maria,” he said to the middle-aged Italian-American woman who ruled the front desk. “You’re looking beautiful today.”

“You’re so full of shit, Stone,” the woman replied sweetly. “What brings you downtown? Haven’t seen you since the Christmas party.” She waggled her eyebrows meaningfully.

Stone ignored the reference to the Christmas party. “A client has an appearance this morning. Can you tell me who caught his case?”

“What’s his name?”

“Herbert Fisher.”

Maria giggled. “Oh, him.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“He’s the one who kicked the cop in the crotch, isn’t he?”

“It is so alleged,” Stone said. “Who’s the ADA?”

“Oh, that would be Dierdre Monahan.”

Stone winced.

“Yeah.” Maria giggled again.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well, there have been rumors.”

“Don’t ever believe rumors,” Stone said. “Is Dierdre in the same stall?”

“Are you saying she’s horsey?”

“Cubicle.”

“No, she’s moved up a little. She has an office now, but no window.” She waggled a thumb. “Down at the end, there.”

“Thanks, Maria.” Stone walked around the desk and started down the hallway, feeling nervous. He and Dierdre had gotten drunk and had a little thing after last year’s Christmas office party at the courthouse. The thing had occurred on a conference table next to the chief deputy DA’s office, and the door hadn’t been locked. He hadn’t seen her since. He rapped on the glass door.

“Come in, but it had better be good!” she shouted.

Stone opened the door and stuck his head in. “Morning, Dierdre. Got a minute?”

Dierdre was a striking woman of thirty-something who came from a long line of Irish cops and had four brothers currently wearing the uniform. “Faith and begorra,” she said sardonically. “And I was thinkin’ you was dead in your grave.” She dropped the Irish accent. “Come in and sit down, Stone.”

Stone went in and sat down. “So, how have you been?”

“Since last Christmas, you mean? You could have called and asked.”

Stone felt his ears redden. “It’s been a crazy year,” he said weakly.

“You’re blushing, Stone. Don’t tell me the memory of our little time together embarrasses you.”

“Well…”

“Just because the chief deputy walked in on us? Now, why should you let a little thing like that bother you?”

“Well…”

“I’ve had to take the brunt of it around here. The razzing got so bad I managed to parlay it into a sexual harassment complaint that got me, among other things, this office.”

“I’m glad you were able to turn the situation to your advantage,” Stone said, trying hard to sound sincere.

“I’m glad you’re glad, Stone. What can I do for you?”

“I’ve got a client at bat this morning at ten,” Stone said, grateful for the change of subject. “Maria says you caught the case.”