Tony Hillerman - Finding Moon

Why not? “I guess for the same reason I stopped in the first place.”

“A sin you don’t want to stop?”

“Yeah,” Moon said. “Or can’t.”

Silence. Moon realized he was hungry. What time was it anyway? Would the hotel coffee shop be open? Why was he carrying on this dialogue with this odd man? He considered that. Because he was enjoying it, of course. And that surprised him. But then, it had been a long, long time since he’d had this sort of conversation with anyone.

“Why don’t you marry her?” the priest asked. And chuckled. And said, “Allow me to quote Saint Paul: ‘If they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. It is better to marry than to be on fire.’ You remember that one?”

“Sort of,” Moon said. “But she won’t do it. She says later, maybe, but not yet.”

“But she will copulate with you?”

“Sometimes.”

“For the pleasure of it,” the priest said, thoughtfully.

It wasn’t a question but Moon said, “Yes.” And then he said, “No. Maybe not. I think she enjoys it but the way it is, she lives in my house. She is supposed to pay rent, but it usually doesn’t get paid. I pay the bills, buy the food, take care of her car-”

“Yes,” the priest said. “I see.”

But Moon knew he didn’t see. Not really. And suddenly Moon wanted this man to understand. Maybe to understand himself.

“She’s a lot younger. Just turned twenty-two. And very, very pretty. High school cheerleader. Do you have those in Manila?”

“Not exactly, but I know what you mean.”

“Not much education, and a sorry family situation. Her dad drank and beat her mother, and then he beat her. The family split up, and then her mother was-well, she got a reputation for being promiscuous. Anyway, Debbie moved out when she got out of high school.”

Moon stopped there. How much of this was he going to talk about? And how could he describe it? Any way he told it, it would seem he was trying to justify using her. In a way he was. In a way they were using each other. How could he describe this relationship? Suddenly the oddity of all this struck him and he laughed.

“Yes?” the priest said.

“I am thinking,” Moon said, “that you may need that hour to hear all this. It’s about how a guy who has been a sort of total loser sees a woman who is just about as sexy-looking as women can get, and before he knows what’s happening he’s caught up in the kind of weirdness that would make a chapter in a psychiatry book. Is it love, is it pity, or is it a way to make amends for ruining another woman’s life? Or is it just predatory testosterone at work?”

“Pity?” the priest said. “If it’s based on pity, it’s not going to be much of a sin.”

“Why do we talk about stuff like this to a priest?” Moon asked. “If you’re a good priest you haven’t had much experience.”

“Well, now. How about before the priest took his vows? Or how about slipping and repenting and being forgiven? All that’s possible. Anyway, we hear a lot. You’d be surprised what we hear sitting here in the darkness. And we get to know the ending of these stories. Usually you only know the beginning. And we have enough testosterone to understand the urges.”

So Moon talked about Debbie, how her beauty and her awareness of her beauty were part of the problem. It was all Debbie thought she had to offer, Moon said. Which was sad. He’d first seen her at Granddad’s Tavern in Durance, dancing with a ski bum, wearing cutoff jeans and a T-shirt, object of desire of every male in the place. Including Moon Mathias. But she was too young for him; she attracted the predators and, clearly, was attracted by them. It hadn’t occurred to him she’d give him a thought. He’d been wrong. He’d noticed her three times in the bar; then she appeared at the newspaper office. She’d asked for him by name. She handed him the sort of news release from the utility company where she worked that normally would have been mailed. She flirted. He’d asked her out to dinner and taken her home to bed, and within the month she had said she was looking for a room to rent. He’d rented her one.

“I can’t see you in the dark,” the priest said. “Are you a tall, handsome fellow?”

“Nobody has ever suggested that,” Moon said. “I’m big, built like a barrel, broken nose, and I guess you’d say I look harmless.”

“I don’t think women are as interested in how men look as the other way around,” the priest said. “What do you think attracted her?”

Moon had never answered that question before, not even to himself. He said, “I think she was afraid. I think sort of subconsciously she figured I wouldn’t hurt her.”

“Have you?”

“No,” Moon said. “I haven’t and I won’t.”

“But the predators would?”

“They will.”

“You don’t think of yourself as one of the predators?”

Moon felt his face flushing. Why the devil should he defend himself to this man? But he wanted to.

“I should explain the arrangement better,” Moon said. “She has her bedroom, I have mine.”

“You said that,” the priest said, “but-”

“Let me finish,” Moon said. “I stay out of her room. She doesn’t always stay out of mine.”

“The sleeping together then is when she wants to?”

“Or when she sees I want to.”

Silence. The priest coughed. “Is anybody waiting?”

Moon checked. “Nobody.”

“How about other men? The predators.”

“She’s free as a bird,” Moon said. “She goes out with other men. Probably she’s out with one tonight.” Even as he said it, Moon found it hard to think of J.D., the publisher’s happy-go-lucky son, as a predator. Unless gerbils are predators.

“You said she wouldn’t marry you yet. Does she say she’ll marry you someday?”

“She doesn’t say it, but I think so,” Moon said. “Or one of them will take her away, and dump her, and she’ll end up like her mother.”

“Why do you think that?”

How could he explain it to this man whose only view of life was through a wooden grillwork into the darkness of other men’s souls?

“Because she doesn’t have any respect for herself. No confidence. A couple of these guys dump her and-” He let the sentence hang.

“Go on,” the priest said.

“That’s all,” Moon said. “I’m finished.”

“But you’ve left me with the question unanswered. What was the big sin you mentioned? And how did you ruin the woman’s life?”

“I killed a man,” Moon said.

Into the silence that this produced he added, “He was-” But he left the sentence unfinished. What more was there to say?

“The Fifth Commandment,” the priest said.

“The fifth. Thou Shalt Not Kill is not even number two. But serious, of course. How serious depends on the motivation. Was it ambition, lust, revenge, envy, a moment of fury, hatred?-”

“He was my best friend,” Moon said. “I guess, outside my family, he was the only person I could ever say I loved. I could trust him. Absolutely trust him.”

“So what was the motivation?”

“I was drunk,” Moon said.

SAIGON, South Vietnam, April 17 (UPI)-A Saigon military spokesman announced today that “radio contact” with the fishing town of Phan Thiet has been lost following an assault by North Vietnamese infantrymen. “Loss of contact” is the term normally used by the South Vietnamese military when a position has been captured.

TO REACH THE DINING ROOM of the Hotel Maynila one took an escalator from the lobby, descended past a waterfall flowing over a granite pseudo-cliff, and surrendered oneself to an ornately uniformed fellow to be taken to a seat. Moon was assigned to a table adjoining the swinging doors from the kitchen. He explained he needed a quieter place for a business conversation. He suggested one of a row of empty tables by the glass wall with a view out into the garden. The uniformed fellow looked skeptical but bowed and made the new assignment.