Jeff Strand - Single White Psychopath Seeks Same

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AN ANDREW MAYHEM THRILLER "Sometimes you wake up in the morning and you just know it's going to be the kind of day where you end up tied to a chair in a filthy garage while a pair of tooth-deprived lunatics torment you with a chainsaw. So as I struggled against the ropes, I can't say I was all that surprised." Yes, Andrew Mayhem, hero of the bestselling comedy/thriller Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary) is back. Still incredibly brave. Still ridiculously irresponsible. And this time, becoming chainsaw fodder is one of his lesser worries. He's forced to pose as a serial killer known as The Headhunter in order to infiltrate a group of maniacs who've gathered in an isolated Alaskan mansion for a weekend of murderous games. Can he free the potential victims in time…or will he be forced to participate in their demise? Even more twisted than its predecessor, Single White Psychopath Seeks Same is another outrageous blend of the hilarious and the horrifying, one that will keep you laughing, gasping, and guessing from beginning to end.

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I tried the card once more. No good.

I wanted to just sit down and cry.

Chapter 13

I STOOD there for a couple of minutes, just feeling sorry for myself. Roger and the others had it worse, undoubtedly, but after all I’d been through I deserved a bit of self-pity.

Then there was a sudden light to my right. I spun around and saw a flare on the far end, by the fence. The figure was much too far away to identify, but it was waving both hands over its head.

Who the hell…?

I was still concerned about leaving footprints, but it wasn’t worth worrying about at this point. I began to run toward the figure, as well as I could through two feet of snow.

As I got closer, I saw that it was Thomas.

He was wearing a parka and earmuffs, but as I ran up to the fence I could see that he had a huge gash over one eye, and his face was bright red. He’d been out here a while.

“Andrew! I can’t believe it!”

“How did you find me?” I asked, but I knew the answer before I even finished saying it. It wasn’t at all surprising that somebody so concerned about being bugged would have the resources to do it himself.

“I bugged both of you,” he said, slurring his words just a bit, no doubt because his face was numb. “On your shoes. Where’s Roger, is he all right?”

“Yeah. At least I think so. They would’ve told me if they did anything to him. They think I’m the Headhunter.”

“You’re kidding!”

“No.” I gave him a thirty-second condensed version of the story.

“That’s incredible. I’ve been staking out this place for the past two hours. I could hardly believe it when I noticed you coming outside through my binoculars.”

“Yeah, well, seeing you was a nice surprise, too. But please tell me you’ve contacted the police. They know you’re here, right?”

Thomas shifted a bit, looking somewhat uncomfortable.

“You told somebody , right?”

“There wasn’t time.”

“Oh, that is bullshit!” If there weren’t an electrified fence between us, I would’ve punched him. “So tell me, did you intend for things to work out the way they did? You meant for them to take Roger and I away so you could follow us, didn’t you? Where did you go after you got stabbed?”

“I swear, I didn’t lie to you. At least not after I lied about having to go inside the building. I chased the man for a few blocks and then I had a dizzy spell and passed out. I woke up to a pair of prostitutes trying to steal my jacket. But I got here as quickly as I possibly could.”

“Well, that’s all fine and dandy, but why didn’t you bring somebody!”

“I needed to investigate the situation beforehand.”

“Look, I don’t know what your frame of mind is, but it appears to me that you want to be some big-shot hero, and that’s not what’s gonna get us out of here! I’m locked outside the house, I’ll be murdered or worse as soon as they find me, and they may very well execute all of the prisoners if they think somebody is on to them. So it would be really nice to have the cops or the military or the Justice League of America around here to save the day!”

“I understand that,” Thomas said. “But there’s a problem. I’m not used to driving in these conditions and my car went off the side of the road about two miles back. I had to walk here.”

I squeezed my eyes shut in frustration. “You have a cell phone, right?”

“In theory.”

“What does that mean?”

“I’ve got one, but the battery died. I thought I’d recharged it, but I’ve had a lot on my mind recently, as I’m sure you can understand, and-”

“Do you have a gun?” I interrupted.

“Yes.”

“Do you have bullets for this gun?”

“Sarcasm isn’t necessary. Yes.”

“Good. Give it to me.”

He shook his head. “I have a more effective plan. I’ll pretend to be a stranded motorist.”

“It won’t work. They’ll kill you.”

“You don’t know that. I just need to get over the fence.”

“Have you tried the front gate?”

“Yes. It’s the only part that’s not electrified, but the bars are too narrow to squeeze through, and too slippery to climb.”

“Maybe you could climb one of the trees and jump over,” I suggested. “Even though you’d probably break your leg.”

“I tried that. I shouldn’t have tried to climb with mittens. I lost my balance, bashed my face into a branch,” he pointed to the gash above his eye, “and fell. I can’t tell because it’s so numb from the cold anyway, but I think I broke my foot.”

I sighed. “How are you possibly going to get over the fence with a broken foot?”

“I’m not certain. I’ll figure something out. And even if I can’t, if I stand by the front gate they’re bound to see me.”

“Not necessarily. And if they do, it’ll be after you’ve frozen to death.”

“I’ll be fine.”

I leaned my face closer to the fence. “Just give me the gun, Thomas. There are only five of them. If I can catch them off-guard, I might be able to take them out.”

“No, I’ll get in there. I promise.”

“Thomas, I’ll make sure you get your share of the goddamn glory! This is no time to be a hero! Now give me the gun!”

“You don’t have experience with guns. I do. Trust me, I’ll get you out of there. I promise I’ll get you out of there.”

“Your hands are going to be frostbitten! You’ll barely be able to hold the gun, let alone shoot it accurately!”

“Andrew, I came here to do a job, and I’m going to do it.”

“So, what, you essentially called me over here to say that you don’t want my help? Me, the guy who’s on the inside, who they all think is one of them. How can you possibly be so stubborn?”

“No, I didn’t say that I don’t want your help. I want all the information you can provide.”

“What information do you need if your big plan is to pretend you’re a crippled, stranded motorist and start shooting?”

“I need the layout of the place, where the kidnapped people are being held, that type of knowledge.”

“I don’t see how that’s going to…” I trailed off, and then decided it wasn’t worth arguing. I told him what I knew, which wasn’t much.

“Do you think you can arrange to be with them when they answer the doorbell, or at least when they go outside?” he asked.

“I’m supposed to be locked in the bedroom at this very minute. So no, I can’t promise you that.”

“Why are they locking you in the bedroom if they think you’re the Headhunter?”

“They’re not big on trust. Listen, why don’t you try to get over the fence right now? If by some miracle I can get back inside, we can find the prisoners, then pick off the bad guys when they show up.”

“How did you get locked out?”

“I have no idea! The card stopped working!”

“So it’s an electronic lock?”

“Yeah.” I held up the card for him to inspect.

“I had my tracking device on when you came out,” he said. “Maybe it was interfering with the access system.”

“Would it do that?”

“I’ve never heard of such a thing, but it’s possible, I suppose.”

“Is that tracking device good enough to pinpoint an exact location? Like, could we tell exactly where Roger is right now?”

Thomas shook his head. “No. It’s very general.”

“Then why did you have it on?”

“Because if they discovered the bug and destroyed it, I’d lose the signal. I’ve just been making periodic checks.”

“So you were just checking to see if we were still alive?”

“Well, your shoes, anyway.”

“I am so glad I met you. How about you start climbing a tree, okay?”

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