William Bernhardt - Death Row

“All clear?” Hoppes asked.

“All clear,” Mike whispered back. “Get some medics in here.”

Mike returned the baby to its mother and looked for the people who were hurt. There were many. Way too many. At least five people injured, maybe fatally. And the woman by the door was definitely dead.

What a stupid, pointless waste. This could’ve been handled bloodlessly, Mike was sure of it. But instead, blood was everywhere. All over everything. Including him.

It was a tragedy, a stupid loss of life. And he knew what would happen once Chief Blackwell got wind of this. Worse, once the press got wind of it. Every move, every action he had taken would be scrutinized. Every judgment call would be questioned. And when the investigation was over, someone would have to pay.

And he had a pretty good idea who it would be.

“How often do you have sexual feelings?”

“I do not have… sexual feelings.”

“None at all?”

“Not anymore.”

“Not even occasionally?”

“Of course not. You know why.”

“Still, there must be something.”

“Perhaps once. Several months ago. While I slept.”

“What were you dreaming about?”

“I don’t remember.”

Gabriel Aravena hated these sessions. He’d be willing to do anything to avoid them-anything except break parole, that is. Life was full of unpleasantness. He didn’t enjoy his visits with his parole officer. He didn’t enjoy his work. But he despised his sessions with the psychiatrist.

Dr. Hayley Bennett was a thin, auburn-haired, angular woman. She wore black-rimmed glasses although Aravena suspected she didn’t really need them. More a fashion statement, he thought, or a protective barrier between herself and her patients.

He didn’t know why he hated these sessions so. Objectively, she should have been his favorite. She was much easier to look at than his PA, and he didn’t sense the wariness, the suspicion, he did there. Which was ironic, in a way. Given all he had done, the woman should be the one who wanted the least to do with him.

“Have you been taking the medication?” Dr. Bennett asked, crossing her legs in a manner that, at another time, he might have considered provocative.

“Do I have a choice?” A stupid question. He got a shot once a week. That was an express condition of his early release.

“Any more side effects?”

“My breasts continue to enlarge,” he said, trying not to flush. It was deeply embarrassing, watching himself swell up like a woman.

“That’s a common side effect of Depo-Provera,” Dr. Bennett explained. “It’s a hormone-altering medication. But you know that already, don’t you?”

He nodded. He knew all about Depo. He knew it was a trade name for a generic drug called medroxyprogesterone acetate. He knew it was essentially an artificial simulation of the female hormone progesterone which, when injected into men, often acted as a hormone inhibitor. Among other things. It diminished the libido. Recidivism rates for sex offenders taking Depo were less than ten percent. He knew all about it.

He knew what it really did, too. It castrated him. Chemical castration. It made his head fuzzy, messed with his vision, and sucked away his sex drive. That was the price he was paying. For now, anyway.

“Anything else?”

“My hair is falling out. Not just on my head. And I feel tired all the time. Sluggish.”

“I’m afraid those are also common side effects.”

“Then why did you ask?” Stay calm, he told himself. You don’t want to blow it. Not when you’re so close.

“There’s a lot about this drug we don’t know. That’s why we’re conducting these trials. You know that.”

He nodded. He’d been briefed in detail, before he signed the release forms. As if he had a choice. If it would’ve gotten him out of that hellhole, he’d have agreed to a real castration. He would be their little lab rat. He’d let them shoot drugs into his body that turned him into a woman.

“How is your work going?”

“Very nicely, thank you. I manage now, you know.”

“Excuse me?”

“I-I’m the manager.” Aravena had been in the States so long he had lost most traces of broken English. But he still occasionally had trouble coming up with the right word.

“That’s wonderful, Gabriel. I know some people over at FastTrak; they won’t make just anyone a manager.”

No, and they won’t pay them anything, either. But they are one of the few places that would hire a man with a record. Especially a sex crimes record.

“And at home? Any new developments?”

“No.” What did she expect? That he would have a girlfriend? Not likely. Not while he was on this drug.

“I know your father is deceased. Have you had any contact with your mother?”

“No. I think I’m better off… without contact with my mother. And she lives very far away.”

Bennett nodded. “Well, perhaps you’re right.” Aravena watched as she opened the file in her lap to the page covering Aravena’s childhood. A moment later, her face paled. How is it possible that a mother could do such things? she must be thinking. And what hideous effect must that have had on her poor, defenseless son?

“You know, Gabriel… Depo-Provera suppresses sex drive. But it doesn’t eliminate it. Nothing does.”

Aravena nodded. Even physically castrated men sometimes committed rape. He’d known one, back in the penitentiary.

“And of course, it’s well-established that most sex crimes aren’t about sex, anyway. They’re about anger. About power. Control.” She paused, as if waiting for an answer to a question she hadn’t asked.

“I feel very contented,” Aravena said, and indeed, in many respects he was not lying. “I feel no anger toward anyone.” Except you, you testicle-chewing bitch. You and everyone like you.

“That’s good, Gabriel. That’s very good.” She flipped through a few more pages in her file. “Tell me. Does your work at FastTrak bring you into contact with many children?”

“Some.”

“Young girls?”

Back to that, are we? “A few. After school mostly.”

“Is that a problem?”

Aravena tried to seem sincere. “I am no longer attracted to young girls. I don’t know that I ever was. That was just… just… I don’t know what it was. But it will never happen again.”

“You know what, Gabriel? I believe you. I really do. Do you know how long it is until your parole maintenance period ends?”

“Six days.”

“Yes. And then you’ll be a free man again. Of course, a condition of your release is that you continue to take the medication.”

“I understand that.” But I also know that you will cease to check. I will no longer be injected by an officer of the state.

“How old are you, Gabriel?” As if she didn’t have that information in her file.

“I’m thirty-seven.”

Bennett smiled. “You have your entire life ahead of you. I hope you’ll make the most of it.”

“I intend to.” Indeed he did.

“Good. Well, I think that’s enough for today.”

They shook hands. He was almost out the door when she said, “Gabriel?”

“Yes?”

“Your crime-I want you to know-I don’t hold that against you. No one will. You’ve served your time. You can start over again now with a clean slate. You have no reason to harbor feelings of guilt.”

“Thank you, Doctor. That is very kind of you.”

Kind indeed, he thought, as he made his way to the parking lot. The problem was, contrary to what she thought, she didn’t know everything. She thought that stupid incident with the eleven-year-old was his most heinous crime.

But Aravena knew better. That was not the worst thing he had ever done. That didn’t even come close.