Jeff Lindsay - Dexter by Design

And so it was that Buddy, the loud-mouthed little dog, launched Dexter on his way. It was clumsy of course, and much messier than I had planned, but it was also oh so good and right and necessary.

In the following months there were a few more minor experiments; carefully spaced, playmates more cautiously chosen, since even in my hot-blooded phase of self-discovery I understood that if all the pets in the neighborhood disappeared, someone was bound to ask questions. But there was a stray, and a bicycle trip to a different area, and somehow young Luke Darkwalker got by, slowly learning to be happily me. And because I felt so attached to my small experiments, I buried them close at hand, behind a row of bushes in our backyard.

I certainly know better than that now. But at the time, everything seemed so innocent and wonderful, and I wanted to look out at the bushes and bask in the warm glow of the memories from time to time. But I had made my first mistake.

That lazy afternoon I sat in my banyan tree and watched as Harry parked the car, got out, and paused. He had on his work face, the one that said I have seen it all and don't like most of it. He stood beside the car for a long moment with his eyes closed, doing nothing more complicated than breathing.

When he opened his eyes again he had an expression on his face that said, I am home and feel very good about that. He took a step toward the front door and I jumped down out of the tree and went to him.

“Dexter” he said. “How was your day at school?” In truth it had been just about like all the others, but even then I knew that wasn't the appropriate response. “Good” I said. “We're studying communism.” Harry nodded. “That's important to know about” he said.

“What's the capital of Russia?”

“Moscow” I said. “It used to be St Petersburg.”

“Really” said Harry. “Why did they change it?” I shrugged. “They're atheists now” I said. “They can't have a Saint anything, because they don't believe in them.” He put a hand on my shoulder and we started walking to the house. “That can't be much fun” he said.

“Didn't you, um, fight communists?” I asked him, wanting to say kill but not quite daring. “In the Marines?” Harry nodded. “That's right” he said. “Communism threatens our way of life. So it's important to fight it.” We were at the front door, and he gently pushed me in ahead of him, into the smell of the fresh coffee that Doris, my adoptive mom, always had ready for Harry when he came home from work. She was not yet too sick to move, and she was waiting for him in the kitchen.

They went through their ritual of drinking coffee and talking quietly, as they did every day, and it was such a perfect Norman Rockwell picture that I would certainly have forgotten it almost instantly if not for what happened later that evening.

Doris was already in bed. She had taken to going to sleep earlier and earlier as her cancer got worse and she needed more pain medicine. Harry, Deborah and I had gathered in front of the TV set as we usually did. We were watching a sitcom, I don't remember which. There were many of them at the time that all could have been lumped together under the title of Funny Minority and the White Guy. The whole purpose of these shows seemed to be letting us all know that in spite of our small differences we were really all the same.

I kept waiting for some clue that this might include me, but neither Freddy Prinze nor Redd Foxx ever chopped up a neighbor. Still, everyone else seemed to enjoy the show. Deborah laughed out loud now and then, and Harry kept a contented smile on his face, and I did my best just to keep a low profile and fit in amid the hilarity.

But in the middle of the climactic scene, right when we were about to learn that we are all the same and then hug, the doorbell rang. Harry frowned a little bit, but he got up and went to the door with one eye still on the TV. Since I had guessed how the show would end and I was not particularly moved by artificial hugs of compassion, I watched Harry. He turned on the outside light, peeked through the eyehole, and then unlocked and opened the door.

“Gus” he said, with surprise. “Come on in.” Gus Rigby was Harry's oldest friend on the force. They had been best man at each other's weddings, and Harry was godfather to Gus's daughter, Betsy. Since his divorce, Gus was always at our house for holidays and special occasions, although not as often now that Doris was sick, and he always brought a key lime pie.

But he didn't look terribly social now, and he was not carrying a pie. He looked angry and frazzled, and he said, “We gotta talk” and pushed past Harry into the house.

“About what?” Harry said, still holding the door open.

Gus turned and snarled at him. “Otto Valdez is out on the street.” Harry stared at him. “How did he get out?”

“That lawyer he's got” Gus said. “He said it was excessive force.” Harry nodded. “You were rough on him, Gus.”

“He's a baby-raper” Gus said. “You want me to kiss him?”

“All right” Harry said. He closed and locked the door. “What is there to talk about?” he said.

“He's after me now” Gus said. “The phone rings and nobody's there, just breathing. But I know it's him. And I got a note under my front door. At my home, Harry.”

“What did the lieutenant say?” Gus shook his head. I want to do this myself” he said. “On the side. And I want your help.” With the wonderful timing that only happens in real life, the TV show came to an end and the laughter track blasted out right on the toes of Gus's words. Deborah laughed, too, and finally looked up.

“Hi Uncle Gus” she said.

“Hello, Debbie” Gus said. “You're more beautiful every day” Debs scowled. Even then she was embarrassed by her good looks, and she didn't like being reminded of it. “Thank you” she said grumpily.

“Come on into the kitchen” Harry said, taking Gus by the elbow and leading him away.

I knew perfectly well that Harry was taking Gus into the kitchen to keep me and Deborah from hearing what would be said, and naturally enough that made me want to hear it all the more. And since Harry had not specifically said, “Stay here and do not listen ...” Why, it would hardly be eavesdropping at all!

So, I got up from in front of the TV set very casually and went down the hall toward the bathroom. I paused in the hallway and looked back: Deborah was already engrossed in the next program, and so I slid into a small patch of shadow and listened.

“... courts will handle it” Harry was saying.

“Like they handled it so far?” Gus said, sounding angrier than I had ever heard him. “Come on, Harry, you know better than that.”

“We're not vigilantes, Gus.”

“Well maybe we should be, goddamn it.” There was a pause. I heard the refrigerator door open and then the sound of a beer can opening. A moment went by and nothing was said.

“Listen, Harry” Gus said at last. “We've been cops for a long time now.”

“Coming up on twenty years” Harry said.

“And from the first day on the job, didn't it hit you that the system just doesn't work? That the biggest assholes always find a way to fall out of jail and back onto the streets? Huh?”

“That doesn't mean we have the right to—”

“Then who does have the right, Harry? If not us, who does?” There was another longish pause. Finally Harry spoke, very softly, and I had to strain to make out the words.

“You weren't in Vietnam” Harry said. Gus didn't respond.

“Something I learned there is that some people can kill in cold blood, and others can't. And most of us can't” Harry said. “It does bad things to you.”

“So what are you saying: you agree with me, but you can't do it?