Robert Goddard - Borrowed Time

“Would I have warned you about it if it was?”

“Perhaps not. But…”

“Evasion and concealment breed problems, Sarah. Don’t you see that? Oh what a tangled web we weave, etcetera. If you’d been honest with Rowena about the possibility that your mother meant to leave your father, precognition might never have entered her head as an-”

“That’s it, isn’t it?” She stared at me, appalled. “That’s why you’ve done this. I knew I should never have told you about Mummy leaving Daddy. You resented me keeping it from you till after the trial, didn’t you?”

“Why should I have resented it?”

“Because what you said in court might have been different if you’d known about it then. And you think that’s why I held it back. What’s more, you’re right. I only told you when I did because I thought Rowena’s suicide attempt would have made you understand just how damaging complete honesty could be. But you didn’t understand. And you still don’t. As I expect this proves.” She pointed at the bag lying on the table between us. “So now you want to have it both ways. The truth-or your version of it-out in the open. And my generous pardon. Justified by some crap about selective editing.”

“You’ve got it wrong, Sarah. I’m simply trying to-”

“Force your opinion of us down our throats. Well, I’m not going to let you.” She rose abruptly, her chair scraping back across the floor, and grabbed the bag. “I’ll watch the tape, Robin. And I’ll be the judge of what I see. Thanks very much.” She turned on her heel and slipped through the crowd towards the door.

“Sarah, wait! I-” But she was gone. And pursuit now would only make matters worse. A blazing argument in the street to add to our misunderstandings. I sank back in my chair and contemplated the ruins of my strategy. There was a grain of truth in what she’d said. I wanted her approval, even her esteem. Perhaps, buried too deep for confession or recognition, I wanted some part of her that would remind me of her mother. But a greater desire always prevailed in the end. A desire to possess the secret Louise Paxton had taken to her grave. “Can we really change anything, do you think?” No. We couldn’t change a single thing. Unless we discovered it first. And then… Maybe. Just maybe.

I stayed longer in the pub than I should have, then wandered out, slightly drunk, into the hot afternoon. The visit to Bristol had been a mistake. I knew that only too well. Sarah couldn’t have thought worse of me if I’d kept clear and let her see the programme unprepared. I’d tried to forewarn her of Seymour’s duplicity. But I’d only succeeded in alerting her to mine.

I made my way back to College Green and headed vaguely towards Queen Square, where I’d parked the car. But it was obvious some strong coffee would be needed before I drove anywhere. The warehouses running down the western side of a narrow reach of the harbour just below the Royal Hotel had been converted into a complex of shops, restaurants and art galleries. A couple of espressos in a café there cleared my head. I emerged ready to face the journey back to Petersfield.

Only to stop in my tracks when I glanced across the reach to see Rowena walking slowly along the other side. She was wearing a long loose flower-patterned dress. Her hair hung unbraided to her waist, a splash of palest gold in the sunlight, waving slightly with each step she took, as a field of wheat might when stirred by a breeze. She was heading south, bound presumably for home. I knew from Sarah that she and Paul lived in one of the smart dockside town houses that had sprung up in the area since its commercial decay. Convenient for Metropolitan Mutual and the university. But she didn’t seem to be in a hurry to get back there. She was dragging her feet, fiddling with the strap of her shoulder-bag as she walked, alternately gazing up at the sky and staring down at the cobbles. She looked neither to right nor left, but, even if she’d glanced in my direction, she’d probably not have seen me in the shadows of the colonnade that ran the length of the warehouse block. The reach was narrow, of course. If I’d stepped forward and shouted to her, she would have heard. But something deterred me. Something in her bearing and my shame. Something that told me chance meetings were best avoided.

Nevertheless, I found myself walking in the same direction as her. And at the same pace. Keeping track for as long as our routes ran parallel. Hers down past the Unicorn Hotel to the Arnolfini building at the corner of the quay. Mine to where the colonnade ended and a permanently moored ship got up as a floating pub blocked my view of her. Hurriedly, I went aboard, ordered a drink I didn’t want and took it to the starboard window. But Rowena had stopped at the quayside opposite me, almost as if she’d known I’d need a few moments to catch up. She couldn’t see me, I was certain. Not with the sun in her eyes as it was. She seemed to be looking for something, squinting out across the water. She took a step closer to the edge and for a second I was alarmed. But there was no need. She tossed her head, setting her hair bouncing across her back, then turned and walked away towards the swing-bridge across the harbour.

She’d soon be out of sight. Distance would claim her as one of its own. I watched her cross the bridge, then turn to the left, heading further away from me than ever along the wharves on the far side of the harbour. A pale speck amidst the visual chaos of masts and rooftops, speeding cars and sprawling crowds, glaring sky and sparkling water. A few seconds, as my eyes strained to follow her. A farewell flash of sunlight on her hair. Then she was gone. I waited to be certain. But there was no longer any trace of her. Not so much as a blur.

I left my drink and walked off the ship. There, opposite me, on the quay, she’d stood only a few minutes before. I could have hailed her. I could have urged her to wait while I hurried round to join her. And if she’d still been standing there, I believe I would have done. But belief can so often be self-deception. I’d had the chance. And I’d turned it down. Now there was nothing to do but to walk away.

I heard nothing from Sarah between my return to Petersfield and the Benefit of the Doubt broadcast. She’d had ample time by then to play and replay the video until every word of mine Seymour had used was imprinted on her memory. But her only response was silence. Perhaps, I thought, that was to be my punishment. My exclusion, so far as she could engineer it, from Rowena’s life as well as hers. My forfeit of the confidence they’d once invested in me.

I recorded the transmission myself, but I didn’t watch it. I’d seen it too many times already. The awareness that I couldn’t force Seymour to admit he’d deliberately distorted what I’d said any more than I could force Sarah to acknowledge he’d done so dragged my exasperation down into exhaustion. Until a show of indifference was the only riposte I felt capable of.

Adrian had got hold of a couple of tickets for the opening day of the Lord’s Test and had offered them to Simon and me, claiming he was too busy to go himself. Simon and I both realized it was more in the nature of a bribe, with the company’s response to Bushranger’s bid still formally unsettled. But that didn’t stop us accepting. In my case, it was just what I needed: a day’s refuge from any possibility of an irate call from Bella or Paul or Sir Keith about my interview on Benefit of the Doubt the night before. Simon gave me his opinion of it, of course. “I said you should never have got mixed up with that in the first place, Rob. You should have listened to your big brother.” All of which was thoroughly predictable. As well as being uncomfortably close to the truth. But as soon as the champagne started to flow, he gave up lecturing me and a moratorium on the subject of Bushranger meant we had an enjoyably light-hearted day. Even if Australia’s dominance of England did seem to point a dismal moral for Timariot & Small.