Claire LaZebnik - Knitting Under the Influence

She heard someone enter the room. Shayda said, “Rough in there?”

“He was clinging to me, and Christopher thought it would be better if I left.” Jason Smith's voice. Sari looked up at the sound, and he spotted her. “Well,” he said. “So you do still work here.”

“Hi.” She managed a casual smile. “How's Zack doing?”

“Can't you hear for yourself?”

“Yeah,” she said. “Sounds like he's having a bad day. It happens with all the kids from time to time.”

He came over to where she was sitting. Shayda was watching them from the desk, her eyes round with curiosity-she probably knew that Sari had asked to be taken off the family, had probably already speculated with the others about why.

“He never had a problem before.” Jason was standing right over Sari now, looking down at her. “Or have you already forgotten what he's like? He's crying because you're not there, Sari. He's done it every session since you dropped him. He goes into the room and he looks around for you and he even says your name sometimes-did you know he could say your name? Because I didn't-and then he starts screaming for you.”

She stared down at the file in front of her, not seeing it. “Kids get used to certain routines-”

“That's bullshit,” Jason said. “It's bullshit and you know it. He thought you were his friend and then one day you just disappeared and you never even said goodbye to him.”

Sari darted a look at Shayda, whose mouth had fallen wide open. “I know it happened fast, but I just thought-”

“I don't care what you thought. And right now I don't even care that you jerked me around and dropped me flat and made me feel like an idiot for ever-” He waved his hand with an angry noise of dismissal. “But to stop working with Zack, with no reason or explanation-man, that was cold. You're supposed to want to help kids, not break their hearts. What the hell is wrong with you?”

“You don't understand,” she said. “I couldn't do it. Not anymore.”

“Why not?”

She just shrugged and wouldn't look at him.

He squatted down so his face, his eyes, were at her level. “Was it because of me? I asked you if it was okay-everything I did, every time I-” He banged his fist against the side of the sofa-not near her, but it made her jump anyway. “Do you think I would have done anything that might end up hurting Zack? Or you, for that matter? What do you think I am?”

“It wasn't because of that.” Sari wished Shayda wasn't watching. They were speaking in low voices, but Shayda could probably still hear a lot. “You don't understand-”

“I know I don't understand!” he said, his voice rising. “That's my whole point. I don't understand. Why would someone like you want to hurt a kid?”

“I don't know!” Sari said with a rush of anger that was a relief, since it blew away the guilt. “You tell me! Why did you want to?”

“Excuse me?” he said.

“No,” she said. “I won't.”

He rocked back onto his ankles. “What are you talking about?”

She leaned forward. “Why did you torture my brother on a daily basis? Why did you and your friends make fun of him and shove him around and make him scared to go to his own school? Why did you have to make me ashamed of him-of my own brother, who never did anything to hurt me-until I couldn't even stand the sight of him?” Her voice broke on the last word, so she stopped, but she fought the tears and glared at him.

“Your brother?” he repeated.

“My brother. Charlie. I’ve told you about him. He has autism, just like Zack. And just like Zack, he could have had a shot at a better life, only unlike Zack he didn't get it. Instead, he got to be treated like shit, called a retard, have his lunch stolen and his pants pulled down in public. All thanks to you and your friends.”

“Me? What are you talking about? I never did anything like that.”

“Oh, please!” She curled her hands into fists on her knees, almost giddy with the relief of being the one on the attack now. She didn't even care if Shayda heard them. “I remember you, Jason. You, strutting around in your team uniforms, laughing with your friends, acting like you were hot shit because you could knock something out of the hands of a kid who couldn't even defend himself. And then I saw you again here, and I was supposed to help your kid. And I actually tried to. I tried to help your kid because he deserved it even if you didn't, but I couldn't take it anymore. Charlie's got nothing in his life and your kid will be fine, and it's not fair. It's just not fair.”

“You're wrong,” Jason said. His face had softened, lost its anger-exchanged it for bewilderment. “You're wrong, Sari. I’m sorry if kids were mean to your brother, but it wasn't me. I saw stuff like that happening sometimes, but I wasn't the one doing it.”

“Right,” Sari said. Her fingernails were digging into her palms, but the pain felt good. “It was always someone else. That's how people do things like that-they do it in a group and then no one takes the blame for it. There was always a bunch of you around whenever anything bad happened. I always got there too late to see who'd done it, too late to stop it-but you were there laughing at him. I saw you. I saw you there laughing at him. I can still see you laughing at him.”

He shook his head, but not in denial. More like he was trying to clear it. “Maybe I laughed. I don't know. If I did, God knows it wasn't because I actually thought anything like that was funny. But I was-” He shook his head again. “It was high school, Sari. It was scary and miserable and mean and you did what everyone else was doing because if you didn't they'd turn on you next. It was all about saving yourself.”

“You think that excuses it? I went to the same school, you know, and I didn't torture anyone.”

“Well, good for you.” He rose abruptly to his feet. “Good for you, Sari. You weren't mean at all to anyone back in high school.” He shoved his hands in his pockets and looked down at her.“No, you just waited another ten years or so before you decided to ruin an autsistic kid's life.”

“I’ve spent the last six years of my life helping these kids,” she said.

“Five minutes ago, my kid was screaming because they wouldn't let him see you,” Jason said. “I may have been a jerk in high school, but I know I never made your brother-or anyone else-scream like that.” And he turned on his heel, crossed the room, kicked open the front door to the clinic, and was gone.

There was silence.

After a moment, Shayda came over to where Sari sat, unmoving, on the sofa. “Do you need me to get Ellen or anything?” she asked.

Sari stared at her blankly. “Ellen?”

“Yeah. Is everything okay? I mean, what just happened here?”

“I’m not sure,” Sari said.

The last thing she wanted was to see Ellen or anyone else for that matter, but she still had several clients to see before the end of the day, so she couldn't just vanish. She was able to swear Shayda to secrecy, though, by telling her she'd been stupid enough to get a little bit involved with Zack's dad before realizing she needed to call it off and that he was kind of upset about the breakup. She made a big show of how she was too embarrassed to have anyone else at the clinic know how dumb she'd been.

“He's really good-looking,” Shayda said, clearly thrilled by the whiff of scandal. “I don't blame you.”

Sari didn't trust herself to reply to that, so she just reminded Shayda not to tell anyone and then excused herself.

Hey,” Kathleen said, early that evening, poking her head into the office in the back of Sam's apartment. “Can I talk to you?”