Claire LaZebnik - Knitting Under the Influence

“Someday you'll meet a guy you won't have to get drunk to marry,” Lucy said.

“Or not,” Kathleen said.

“Or not,” Sari said. “Either way, you're right not to do this.”

They all went into the kitchen together. Kevin was already sitting at the table, drinking coffee and leafing through a newspaper. He looked up with a pleasant smile. “There you are! I figured you all fell asleep in a great big heap last night, like a litter of puppies.”

“Yeah, basically,” Sari said with a quick sideways glance at Kathleen, who was hesitating, biting her lip. It was strange to see Kathleen look so unsure of herself.

Kevin didn't seem to notice, though. “I made coffee, if anyone wants some. From Kona beans-the best there is. Help yourselves.”

“Thanks,” said Lucy and went to pour herself a cup.

Sari stayed right at Kathleen's elbow.

Kevin turned the page, smoothed the paper out in front of him and said to Kathleen, “So, ready to go get married?”

“No,” Kathleen said.

“I know.” He was still smiling. “I’m nervous, too.”

“It's not that,” she said. She reached for Sari's hand and squeezed it painfully tight as she went on. “I’m not ready to get married, Kevin. I’m sorry. We talked a lot last night and I realized I’m just not ready for this.”

“Oh,” he said. He looked disappointed. “I know I was kind of rushing things. It just seemed so perfect doing it here.” He brightened. “But maybe it does make more sense to wait a little while.”

Kathleen was silent.

“Right?” he said. “We can go back home, enjoy being engaged, make some long-term plans… Actually, I was a little worried about my family's reaction-you know, not being included and all. Maybe it's better this way. We can do the whole big wedding thing in the spring and make my mother happy.”

Kathleen let go of Sari's hand and tugged the engagement ring off her finger. “That's not what I meant.” She stepped toward him and held the ring out. “I want you to take this back.”

“What are you talking about?” He stared at the ring like he didn't know what it was or what he was supposed to do with it.

“You're a nice guy,” Kathleen said. “The nicest. And this is a record for me. I don't last long with guys. You can ask the girls-” She gestured at Lucy and Sari with her free hand. “This has been one of the longest relationships I’ve ever had.”

“It has,” Lucy said, over the rim of her coffee cup. “Really.”

“See?” Kathleen said. “So that proves, you know, that you're special. And wonderful. But it's still… I mean… I can't-” She took a deep breath. “Time's up, I guess. That's all.”

“Ah,” he said. “Time's up.” He still hadn't moved.

Sari nudged Lucy on the arm and gestured with her head toward the door. “Excuse us,” she said and pulled Lucy out of the kitchen, leaving the other two frozen in position behind them, Kathleen holding the ring toward Kevin and Kevin sitting there, not taking it.

“She said she wanted us to stay with her,” Lucy said when they were out of earshot. She set her mug down on a side table they were passing. “Why are we leaving?”

“Because Kevin deserves some privacy right now. He doesn't need us rubbernecking while his hopes are being crushed.”

“Oh, sure,” Lucy said. “Now you're all concerned about him.

But last night, when I was the one defending him-”

“We did the right thing. But that doesn't mean we get to watch. Come on-” Sari led her toward the back of the house. “Let's go say goodbye to the beach.”

“If you hadn't talked her out of marrying him, all this could have been ours,” Lucy said as they stepped out onto the deck and looked around. It was a perfectly glorious morning. But then it was probably always a perfectly glorious morning there.

“You're assuming we'd have been invited.”

“Well, for sure we won't now,” Lucy said. “How much do you think he hates us?”

“Kevin?” Sari said. “I don't think he's the hating type.”

“I was right all along. I said he was too nice for Kathleen.”

“That's sort of true. But nice isn't everything, Luce. I mean, you don't want a guy to be mean, but you do want him to be-”

“What?”

“Something more than just nice,” Sari said and turned her back on the ocean.

They made a pretty sober group on the flight back. For once, no one felt much like talking. Sari had brought her laptop, so she worked. Lucy watched the movie and knit-her circular needles were plastic, so the airline allowed them onboard. Sari and Kathleen had brought metal needles, which they'd had to check.

Kathleen put her seat back as far as it would go and closed her eyes-either she was asleep or just thinking, and, either way, the others felt they should leave her in peace.

Lucy was the only one with a car at the airport, so she drove the other two home. They dropped off Kathleen first. Kathleen pulled her suitcase out of the trunk and turned to face her friends, who had gotten out of the car to say goodbye.

“You okay?” Lucy said.

“I’m fine.”

“You want us to come in for a while?” Sari asked.

“Nah,” Kathleen said. “I’m really okay. And-no offense, guys-but we've had a lot of togetherness lately.”

“She's breaking up with us now,” Lucy said to Sari. “We've created a monster.” They all hugged and said goodbye and then Lucy drove Sari home.

The next day, Sari was back at work, where the usual craziness made her feel within minutes like she'd never been away, never sat on a beach or relaxed in her life.

Late in the morning, she walked a mother and son to the front door of the clinic and said goodbye to them. As she walked back into the building, she heard shrieking coming from the hallway. New kids always screamed a lot until they got the idea that there were better ways of communicating, and everyone who worked at the clinic learned to tune out the noise. But the kid let out a particularly loud scream, impossible to ignore, so Sari grinned at Shayda, who was working at the front desk.

“Wow. Good lungs on that one.”

Shayda looked up from the textbook she was highlighting. “You should know. It's Zachary Smith.”

“You're kidding.” Sari could feel the smile freeze on her face. “That's weird-he had pretty much stopped tantruming weeks ago.”

“Maybe with you… But Christopher said the kid's had a tough time accepting the switch in therapists.”

“Oh,” Sari said.

Shayda snapped the cap back on her highlighter. “Christopher's thinking maybe they should start taking him in another entrance or do something else to break the routine, so he'll stop expecting to find you here when he comes. But I don't know-I think maybe it's good for Zack to learn to accept change. He'll come around.”

“Yeah,” Sari said, but now that she knew it was Zack and he was crying for her, the shrieks she had barely noticed a minute ago tore at her heart.

Or maybe it was the guilt.

She wanted to run back to see Zack, to give him a hug and let him know that she still loved him. But she knew she couldn't do that-it would only make him think that screaming for her worked, and next time he would scream even louder and longer and be even more crushed if she didn't come. And Christopher would kill her.

She couldn't go back there, but it hurt not to.

She sighed and looked down at the file she was holding, for the family she had just seen. She had work to do. She plucked a pen off of the desk and sat down in one of the chairs in the waiting area to jot down some notes on the session. The screams got louder and sounded more like sobbing. She gritted her teeth and tried to concentrate on the papers in front of her.