Claire LaZebnik - Knitting Under the Influence

“I’ve been trying to figure that one out for years,” Sari said. “All I can guess is that if she let herself think for a second that Charlie could have been different, could have been better -maybe even have had a decent life-if she'd just done things differently, then she'd have to think that she messed up somehow.”

“But it was different back then, right?” Lucy said. “No one would blame her for not having known what to do when he was little. No one knew. But now I don't get why she doesn't let you- you, of all people, her own daughter who's an expert in the field-why she doesn't just let you help him.”

Sari stared out the windshield. “Believe me, I’ve asked myself the same question at least fourteen billion times. I’ve even asked her. All she ever says is that same shit about Charlie being what God made him. It's like she got her mind set into this place and she can't change it, because it's protected her too long from… I don't know. Guilt, I guess. Or maybe just reality.”

“Can't you make her do something? For Charlie's sake? I mean there's got to be some way to protect a kid from a mother like that.”

“She's not abusing him,” Sari said. “She's just not expanding his world. I asked Ellen once if there were any legal steps I could take as his sister, and she said that if my mother's healthy and Charlie isn't asking for help, then I was stuck. My mom's his legal guardian, not me.”

“What about your dad? Have you asked him about it?”

“All he does is shrug and say, ‘That's your mother's arena.’” She let her head fall back onto the headrest.

“There's got to be something we can do.”

“I wish.” Sari rolled her head to look at Lucy, whose brow was wrinkled in concentration. It made Sari love her friend- that she wanted to find a solution.

After a moment, Lucy said, “What if you offered to take Charlie out-just for a little while-like once a week? And we quickly did some work with him? Help him learn enough to know he wants to learn more?”

“She won't let us,” Sari said. “You don't understand.”

“She might.”

“She won't. She won't even let me be in the room alone with him for more than a minute.”

“We could say we're just taking him out for dinner or-”

“Lucy,” Sari said and sat up straight in her seat. “Believe me when I say I’ve tried and believe me when I say that she won't let me help him. I’ve spent my entire life wanting to make things better for Charlie, and she won't let me.”

“That,” Lucy said, “sucks.”

“Beyond belief,” Sari said and slumped back down again.

Kevin ended up staying so late at his parents’ that he went straight home to sleep, but he called Kathleen before she went to bed, and they agreed to meet at ten the next morning at a diner they both liked on Pico.

Kathleen got there first and nabbed a table, and when Kevin walked in the door, her first thought was, “Oh, good, I can order now, I’m starved.” Kevin spotted her, came over, kissed her briefly on the lips, and, as she flashed a smile at him, she wondered if this was what marriage felt like-nothing hot or exciting, just a mild relief that the waiting was over.

Kevin thumped heavily into the seat opposite her. “Hi.” He pulled a menu toward him. “I can't believe it's time to eat again- I’m still full from last night. We ate a huge meal of leftovers before bed. It was good, but I’m feeling it this morning.” He threw the menu down. “I think I’ll just have coffee and a cinnamon roll. You?”

“Pancakes.”

“Ah.” He nodded, like she had said something interesting. Kathleen yawned.

“How was your family's Thanksgiving?” Kevin asked.

“Fine.” She didn't have the energy to describe the Jordan situation. She figured she'd save it to make into a funny story when she felt the need to be entertaining. “What did your dad want?”

“He actually had some really exciting news.” Kevin looked around and lowered his voice. “He's got a bid in on a huge parcel of land in Bel Air. It's up in the hills, very private, with amazing views all the way to the ocean. He's thinking we could build a family complex up there-you know, a main house for him and Mom, and then a separate smaller one for each of the kids. So we could all live near each other, but we'd have our own private homes. Isn't that a great idea?”

Kathleen stared at him. “You're kidding, right?”

“What do you mean?”

“It sounds like a nightmare. All of you on top of each other, no privacy, no freedom-”

“I told you, it's very private.”

“Not if your whole family's there.”

Kevin laughed. “Kathleen, I like my family. And my parents aren't getting any younger. I like the idea of being able to keep an eye on them.” The waitress approached their table, and they ordered.

Once she was gone, Kathleen leaned forward. “Kevin, seriously. Think about this. You already work for the family business. You spend all of your holidays and most of your vacations with your family. Do you really want to live with them, too?”

“Honestly? I think it sounds fantastic.” The waitress brought their coffees over and he shook a sugar bag before ripping it open and pouring it in. “I mean, I could see my parents and brothers whenever I felt like seeing them, but still escape to my own house whenever I wanted to be alone. Or, you know… with my wife.” There was a slight pause. “Whoever she might be.”

Kathleen shifted back in her chair, poured some cream in her coffee, took a sip and said, “She'd have to really like spending time with your family.”

“I guess so,” he said. “Or at least be willing to learn to.” There was another pause. Then: “Did I tell you Dad wants to build an enormous pond? It's the coolest part of this whole plan-it would touch on everyone's separate property, so you could actually swim from one yard to the other. Or kayak. How much would kids love that? Tons of cousins all growing up together, kayaking around, visiting each other, like a family of otters or something. Doesn't that sound great?”

“Yeah,” she said.

“And you're such a good swimmer…”

She didn't say anything.

“Kathleen,” Kevin said, and she raised her head to look at him. His temples were shiny with sweat. “Kathleen, all this talk last night about building homes and families and all that-it made me realize how much I want to start building my own family.”

“Building?”

“You know what I mean. I’m thirty-four years old. I’m ready to be a dad. It's all I’ve been thinking about lately. How much I want kids and a family.”

“You'd be a nice dad,” she said.

“I’m glad you think so. Because I don't think I’d be feeling that way if I hadn't found someone who I want to have those kids with.”

She took a deep breath. “Me.”

“You.” He reached over and took her hand in his. “I should have a ring to give you,” he said. “I wish I did. But we could go right now and buy one together. Have our breakfast and then go straight to Tiffany's. What do you say?”

She stared at him, wondering if she had heard him right, knowing she had. Kevin Porter-man of millions-was asking her to marry him. This was what she had wanted all along. Wasn't it? Shouldn't she be feeling excited and triumphant? All she really felt was suddenly and overwhelmingly exhausted-too tired to know how to react. “Wow,” she said.

“Will you marry me, Kathleen?”

She opened her mouth to answer but realized she didn't have an answer. So she closed it again. Then she realized she had to say something, so she said, “I think I need a minute. I’m sorry. I just… It's a big surprise.”