J. Konrath - Bloody Mary

“Krautweiser?”

She shook her head.

“He’ll have a Beck’s,” I told the waitress. “And so will I.”

“Make it three.” Alan held up three fingers.

“Diet cola with an orange slice, a lemon slice, a lime slice, and a cherry,” Dora said.

“Why not just order a fruit salad?” asked Harry.

Dora giggled. I shot Alan a pained look, but his nose was buried in the menu and he didn’t see it. I suppose I couldn’t blame the guy. Alan didn’t know Harry, and I’d never had any reason to mention him.

“Would you like an appetizer?”

“Swastikabobs.” This from McGlade, naturally.

“We do not have shish kebab.”

Harry shook his head. “No, I said-”

“We’ll think it over,” I interrupted. The poor waitress loped off.

Alan set the menu down. “I’m going with the wiener schnitzel.”

“What’s that?” Dora asked in a forced-cutesy way.

“It’s veal.”

“What’s that? Like pork?”

“It’s a baby cow.” Harry pinched her cheek. “You’re so adorable.”

Dora’s face bunched up. “You’re ordering a baby cow wiener?”

“Wiener is German for veal,” Alan explained.

“Wanna see my veal?” Harry winked.

Where was that beer?

It came, eventually, and I ordered a second one before taking a sip. If you’re stuck in hell, you might as well roast some marshmallows.

Conversation, if it could be called that, centered around McGlade and the various cases he’d been involved in. Dora remained glued to every word. Alan laughed politely when it was called for. I drank.

The food was wonderful, and I had to give Alan credit; he did manage to make me forget about Fuller for a few hours.

“What’s the deal with the Fuller trial, Jackie?”

So much for that.

“The deal is, he’s going to get off, unless his partner confesses or we locate a runaway prison guard.”

“You gotta find someone? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“We’ve got every cop in Illinois, plus Feds, looking for him. What could you do, McGlade?”

“I happen to be a world-famous private investigator, Jackie. And what do I do, Dora?”

She giggled. “You investigate privates.”

“Indeed. And I also find people. Gimme the rundown.”

The beer had loosened my tongue a tad, so I gave Harry the scoop.

“You got the file?”

“In the car.”

“I’d be happy to assist you in this instance. And in return, I only ask a small favor.”

“I don’t think I can handle any more favors, McGlade.”

“This one is easy.”

“What is it?”

“I’ll tell you when I catch the guard.” McGlade winked at me.

Dessert was black forest cake and incredibly strong coffee. Harry made good on his word and picked up the check. Alan tried to reach for it, but I gave him a vicious pinch underneath the table to squelch that idea.

Afterward, McGlade invited us back to his place for a nightcap. Alan got another pinch as a warning, and he made up a nice excuse about having to get home early.

McGlade got the file, Dora gave me a hug good night, and we went our separate ways.

“I’m getting the impression that Harry isn’t your favorite person.” Alan grinned at me when we got into the car.

“You picked up on the subtle nonverbal clues?”

“That, and all night you kept muttering ‘ idiot’ under your breath.”

“Was I right?”

Alan laughed. “You were right. He’s a character, though. Think he’ll find that guard guy?”

“He couldn’t find snow in Alaska.”

Alan put his hand on the back of my neck. Rubbed.

“You haven’t been yourself lately. You okay?”

“Everyone keeps asking me that. I’m a little tense, that’s all.”

“Want to talk about it?”

“I’m fighting with Herb. We’re losing this case. I walked in on Mom and Mr. Griffin.”

Alan laughed. “You did too? He’s spunky, for an old guy.”

“Spunky? The man’s a jackrabbit. He’s going to break Mom’s other hip.”

“Anything else bugging you?”

There was an implied, anything with us ?

I told him no, but that wasn’t true. There was a problem with us. Every time I got home from work, I half-wondered if Alan would still be there. He left me once. He could do it again. So to protect myself, I was holding back.

I had to. Until I was sure.

“I’m glad.” Alan moved his hand from my neck to my leg.

“Don’t start something you can’t finish.”

“Oh, I may not be Jackrabbit Griffin, but I think I can finish okay.”

And when we got back to my place, he proved that he could.

The call came at four in the morning.

“I got him.”

I tried to open my eyes, but the Ambien wouldn’t let me.

“Who is this?”

“It’s Harry. Duh.”

“What do you want, McGlade?”

“The bull. The guard. I got him.”

That got my eyes open.

“You’re kidding.”

“Why would I kid?”

“Where are you?”

“I’m in the lobby of the Four Seasons. He’s in room 3604, under the name John Smith. Real creative, huh?”

I shook my head, tried to get my thoughts clear.

“How’d you find him?”

“I’ll tell you when you get here. Bring a warrant.”

Judge Taylor wasn’t happy about being woken up in the middle of the night, but because she knew the immediacy of the situation, she understood. I stopped by her place on Cumberland, and then went to the hotel.

McGlade greeted me at the entrance with a canary-eating grin.

“How the hell did you manage this?”

“I told you. I’m a world-famous private investigator.”

“Spill.”

“Well, I knew you guys would have checked the airports, bus terminals, and train stations, and since the guy didn’t have a car, I figured he’d still be in the city. You froze his accounts, so he couldn’t use his credit cards. That meant he had to pay with cash. So I touched base with some of my friends at a few dozen local hotels, asking if anyone checked in lately paying in cash. Got a hit here, and confirmed it when the doorman saw the picture.”

“Harry, I gotta admit it, I’m amazed.”

“Yeah. Sometimes I amaze myself. You ready to crack some skulls, partner?”

I nodded. We entered the building, all crystal chandeliers and polished marble, and I hit the button for the lobby.

“So, you owe me a favor, right?”

“Anything you want, Harry, as long as it doesn’t involve either of us getting naked.”

“You wish. You remember my movie? Fatal Autonomy ?”

“Unfortunately.”

“Well, I’m talking with the producer, and he’s considering turning it into a series.”

“That blows my mind.”

“Mine too. One of the Baldwin brothers is going to play me this time. They want to get that fat actress who played you to reprise her role. There’s a little matter of permission, though.”

My good mood lost a smidgen of goodness.

“Please, Jack? I found this guy for you, right? You owe me one. They love your character, and don’t want to do a series without her.”

I sighed. “Fine.”

McGlade opened his arms to hug me, but I advised him against it.

The elevator spit us out on the seventh floor. We passed a table stacked high with cut flowers, and made our way to the second set of elevators. McGlade pressed the number 36.

“Nice hotel.” He tapped the marble-inlaid floor with his shoe. “Reminds me of a HoJo I stayed at in Jersey.”

When the elevator stopped, we found the room without difficulty.

“Mr. Rohmer! Chicago Police Department. Open up. We have a warrant.”