Tim Dorsey - Gator A-GO-GO

Swoosh.

Serge crawled back out and ran into the kitchenette. He wet paper towels under the faucet.

“What are you doing now?” asked Coleman.

“Need a total seal.” He crammed balls of wet paper down the drain. “Don’t want to trust the sink trap. Grab some bottles.”

Down in the parking lot, Guillermo kept checking his watch and glancing out the windshield at the second floor.

Miguel finished circling the motel and climbed in the passenger seat. “Nothing.”

“What the hell’s taking him so long?”

“Probably trying to do a good job.”

“He couldn’t find his own ass if he had three hands.” Another look at his watch. “You better go check.”

Miguel got out of the car and ran toward the stairs.

Room 25: Serge’s right ear was against the adjoining door to the next unit.

“What’s going on?” asked Coleman.

“Shhhhhh!” said Serge. “It’s falling in place just like I planned. They’re beginning to get sloppy.”

Serge pulled the.45 from his waist and silently opened the connecting door. Guillermo’s crew had failed to check the tandem door on their side, which was still unlocked from when Serge and the kids moved freely between the two rooms. He slowly turned the knob…

Outside, Miguel ran up the stairs and along the landing.

Serge crept quietly into room 24. Just ahead, Raul, with his back to him, rubbing the dresser with a towel. He never heard ginger footsteps from behind. The butt of the pistol came down.

Stars.

Serge grabbed Raul under the arms and dragged him into the other room. He closed the adjoining side door as Miguel opened the front one.

“ Raul? Where are you?… ”

“Coleman,” said Serge. “Hand me that bottle and my smelling salts. Here’s what I need you to do…”

Guillermo watched from the parking lot. Miguel went in… then came out. He leaned over the second-floor railing and lifted upturned arms in a haven’t-got-a-clue gesture.

“Unbelievable.” Guillermo hopped out and ran up the stairs to 24.

In 25, Serge’s ear was against the door again. Heavy footsteps. “Perfect. Lured them back into the room and away from the car, where they would have been able to intercept and retaliate.”

“Escape clause?” asked Coleman.

“The exit window won’t stay open long. We have to work fast.” Serge waved smelling salts under Raul’s nose. His woozy head snapped sideways. Another whiff of the salts, and he was back with the living. Raul felt something wet in his hair. He reached up with his hands.

“Don’t touch it.” Serge aimed his.45. “On your feet!”

“Who are you?”

“Pedro says, ‘Hi.’ Actually, he says, ‘Ahhhhhhhhh! ’”

“You’re so dead!”

“Someday,” said Serge. “Save me a seat.”

As previously instructed, Coleman walked behind their guest.

Raul glanced over his shoulder, then back at Serge. “What are you going to do to me?”

“Here’s a critical fact you need to remember,” said Serge. “No matter how much you panic, the closest source of water is the toilet.”

“Why do I need to know where water is?”

Guillermo raced around number 24.

“Sure he didn’t slip out without you seeing him?” asked Miguel.

“Positive. Never took my eyes off the room.” Guillermo opened the sliding glass door and looked down off the balcony. He came back in with a puzzled look. “What could have happened to him?”

“It’s like he vanished into thin air.”

On the other side of the wall, Serge tapped his nose. That was Coleman’s cue. He flicked a disposable lighter behind Raul and touched it to the Bacardi 151 in his hair.

Raul’s hands shot up. “ Aaaaaauuuuhhh! I’m on fire! I’m on fire!”

“The toilet!” yelled Serge, pointing toward the bathroom. “Don’t forget the toilet!”

Raul ran by screaming.

“I love flamb-,” said Serge.

“But there isn’t any water in the toilet,” said Coleman. “You filled it with another bottle of one fifty-one.”

“Did I do that?”

“ Ahhhhhhhhhhh! “ Raul came running out.”I’m more on fire!…”

Guillermo heard the hysterical screaming in Serge’s room. But then, there was even louder yelling from spring breakers in the unit on the other side.

“Guillermo…,” said Miguel, picking up a towel dropped in front of the dresser.

“Quiet. I’m trying to think.” Guillermo slowly rotated. He stopped and stared at the adjoining door. “What is it?” asked Miguel. “The next room. That’s it.”

Guillermo ran over and opened the first door but the second was locked. He put his shoulder into it. The door gave slightly, but the deadbolt held. He hit it again.

“Serge,” said Coleman, watching Raul run in frantic circles, slapping the top of his head, “I think I hear someone trying to knock down that side door.”

“Right on schedule. This is going to be tight timing.” Serge grabbed Raul by the arm and pointed. “The sink! Water in the sink!”

Raul ran.

Coleman stepped up next to Serge and looked toward the kitchenette. “More one fifty-one?”

“That would be repetitive. One-ninety-proof grain alcohol.”

A shoulder hit the side door again.

Coleman looked at the ceiling. “Why aren’t the sprinklers going off?”

“He’s not staying in one place long enough, and alcohol burns at a low temperature,” said Serge. “But he still doesn’t like it.”

“ Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! More fire!…”

Another shoulder into the door. This time the frame began to fracture.

“The pool!” Serge pointed at the open sliding glass doors. “Water in the pool! You can make it!”

Raul dashed across the room and never broke stride as he dove off the balcony.

Serge and Coleman ran out and looked over the railing.

“Oooooh,” said Coleman. “He didn’t make it.”

Guillermo had given up on his shoulder and pulled a.380 automatic, preparing to shoot his way through.

Suddenly, even louder shrieking from some kind of pandemonium outside.

“Guillermo!” Miguel shouted from the balcony. “Come quick! The patio! I think I found him!”

Guillermo ran to the railing. People splashed water from the pool onto a smoldering Raul.

“Serge,” said Coleman. “The guy stopped trying to knock down the door.”

“Shhhhhh!” Serge counted under his breath. “Five, six, seven… They must be out on the balcony now, trying to figure where their pal fell from… Escape window just opened!”

They ran out the door and down the stairs. “I get the Simpsons part now,“ said Coleman.”Flaming Mo.”

Guillermo leaned over the balcony, tracing Raul’s flight trajectory up to the next room. “Miguel! Quick!” He ran back inside and unceremoniously shot the locks off the connecting door with excess ammunition.

They rushed inside. Empty but recently occupied.

Miguel fanned his nose. “Jesus, what is that smell?”

“Liquor.”

Another urgent room sweep. They checked the bathroom, closet, under beds. Then a second round. Guillermo ran past the TV and hit the brakes. He looked back. “Fuck me.”

“What is it?” asked Miguel.

They both looked on top of the television. A propped-up envelope. In big letters across the front: GUILLERMO.

He tore open the flap and pulled out a get-well card.

Howdy, Guillermo,

Ain’t spring break a gas? All the history! Here’s your first hint: Follow time backward. Bet you can’t catch me… before I catch you.

Warmly in Florida,

Serge A. Storms

GUILLERMO