Christopher Moore - Bite Me

And I was all, “Rawr!”

And who do I see there but the vampyre Flood, my most recently escaped master gone mad, who has never even seen me in this outfit, let alone as a vamp.

So I was all, “Rawr!” hoping my fangs were showing.

And he was all, “Hi, Abby.”

And I was all, “Rawr! Fear me!”

And he was all, “That’s not a thing. Saying rawr is not a vampyre thing.”

And I’m like, “It is too. I’m totally showing my animal power and fierceness.”

And he’s like, “No, you’re not, you’re just saying rawr in a big voice. It’s not a thing.”

“It could be a thing,” I go, in my defense.

And Jared is like, “I don’t think it’s a thing, Abs.”

And I’m like, “Well then how about I drain you until you’re dust and put you in the cat box, Jared? Is that a vampyre thing?”

And he was all, “’Kay. I’m sorry. Rawr is totally a thing.”

So I looked at Flood with pity, having humiliated him on the field of battle. But it is in the gentler monster that humanity is revealed, so I’m like, “It’s a thing for some of us. So, check it, I’m nossssss-feratu. Like you, only, you know, not fashion retarded. Speaking of, why do you look like the window at Banana Republic?” Flood was always sort of jeans and flannel before, like he was caught in some ’90s grunge vortex, but now he was like linen and tan leather.

And Flood’s like, “I was running around the streets naked until a few hours ago.”

And I was like, “’Kay. My bad.”

So he’s all, “Abby, we need to go. I need to find Jody and I need your help.”

And then Foo, who has been doing science stuff in the kitchen, comes over and he’s like, “Abby, I can switch you back. I can switch you both back. I already have Tommy’s serum made from before.”

And I’m like, “You are très cute when you’re threatened.” And I jump over there and kiss him deeply-like I can hear a couple of his vertebrae crack. But then I go to slap him, so he won’t think I’m a slut, and Tommy catches my hand.

And he’s all, “Abby, you have to stop doing that. You could kill him.”

I’m like, “Really?”

He’s all nodding. And Foo’s all mouthing “thank you” to him, like I don’t have vampyre hearing and don’t know that he’s being a total little bitch about it. So I, like, turn on Foo and go, “Rawr.”

I don’t care what Tommy says, Foo trembled in fear.

And Tommy’s like, “Let’s go, Abby.” Like Foo hasn’t said a word.

And I grab my Pirate Bunny messenger bag and start to pack in my laptop and charger, and Flood is all, “Leave that here.”

And I’m like, “How will I express my angst and dark inspirations and whatnot?”

And Flood is like, “I thought we’d go suck the blood out of some people.”

And I was like, “’Kay, but I’m still taking my laptop. I have to do my blog. I have subscribers.” I do. Well, a subscriber.

And he’s like, “If we have to go to mist you’ll lose it.”

And I’m like, “You don’t know how to do that.”

And he’s all, “I do now.”

And I’m all, “Teach me. I didn’t go to ancient evil vampyre school like you.”

And he’s like, “I’m nineteen, remember? I went to public school. In Indiana.”

And Foo’s like, “You’re only nineteen? You’re not even old enough to drink?”

And Jared is like, “Shut up. He’s her dark lord. Our dark lord.”

And Foo’s like, “Fine. Go. Be careful. Text me. I’ll be here trying to save the world.”

And Tommy’s all, “I’m just going to try to save the woman I love, and that’s as good as the world to me.”

And I was like-nothing. I just looked at Tommy. But I would have done him on a bed of carpet tacks right then.

So outside the love lair, which is technically not mine and Foo’s anymore, now that the rightful owners are not imprisoned in bronze, I go, “So, where do we start?”

And Flood is all, “We start by finding a safe place to sleep during the day.”

And I’m all, “The love lair. Foo and Jared will be our minions and whatnot.”

And he’s like, “The last time I went out there I woke up inside a statue, and the last time you were up there your love ninja gave you blood with a sedative.”

And I’m all, “No.”

And he’s all, “Yeah.”

And I’m all, “Foo, you crapacious little geek! Can I go slap him around a little?”

And Flood is all, “He was going to change you back. To save you.”

And I go, “Without even asking? I think not, noble vamptard. As soon as we find the Countess I’m coming back. There will be screaming.”

And Flood’s like, “You don’t have any confrontation issues, do you?”

And I’m all, “No, I’m very insecure, actually, but I have found that if you roll up screaming like a madwoman, hair on fire, guns blazing, no one is going to mention the zit on your forehead.” Which is totally true.

“Okey dokey,” goes the vampyre Flood. “We’ll look for someplace low or high. Low is probably safest, we can look for maintenance closets in the BART tunnels, but that keeps us out of the north end of the City, because there’s no subway there. High, harder to find a place, but it gives us more choice, and it’s less obvious, if Rivera and Cavuto are looking for us. There are a lot of utility sheds and meter shelters on roofs.”

So I’m like, “Are we going to sleep together?”

And Flood’s like, “No, but we’ll be dead in the same space.”

And I was thinking, “How romantic,” but I go, “Let’s get high.”

And Tommy’s all, “I think that’s a good idea. Jody lived in the north end of the City and so did I. It makes sense that’s where she’d go. We need to get into the upper floors of a tall building and look down on other roofs, look for a shed or something. Climbing up won’t be a problem. You can tell if there’s people in it by looking for heat. You know you can see heat now, right?”

And I’m like, “I was figuring that it was that or that every lightbulb was leaking into the sky. But how do you know all this other stuff?”

And Tommy’s like, “I have no idea.”

And I was like, “If we find a roof shack with a pigeon coop by it we’ll have snacks when we wake up.” I know, perky. I must resist the perky. Must resist the perky.

So, like, an hour later we’ve found our sweet roof grave on a building in the financial district, and Flood and I are walking up Powell Street, toward California and the Fairmont, where the Countess was last seen. And we are totally alive with the night. There’s like two cities in the City. I didn’t see it before. There’s like the indoor city, the daytime city, with people inside of apartments and restaurants and offices, and they have, like, no fucking clue about the outside city. And there’s the outside city people, who are in the streets all the time, and who know every hiding place, and every tree, and where it’s dangerous, and where it’s just creepy. The outside city people live on, like, a different plane of existence, like they don’t even see the inside people either. But when you’re a vampyre, the two cities are all lit up. You can hear the people talking and eating and watching TV in their houses, and you can see and feel the people in the streets, behind the garbage cans, under the stairs. All these auras show, sometimes right through walls. Like life, glowing. Some bright pink, like Foo’s, some sort of brown, or gray, like on the AIDS vet panhandling at the corner of Powell and Post. And I’m totally losing my ability to appear bored, because it’s fucking awesome. I’m trying to be chill for Flood, but I want to know.