Christopher Moore - Bite Me

And he’s all, “No, I love the dress, the jacket, the whole ensem is fabulous.”

And I’m like, “Really? Thanks. Your apron rocks. I need a hacksaw and a power drill.”

And he’s all, “What’s it for?”

And I’m all, “You want a note from my mom? A fucking hacksaw and a power drill. I’m on a schedule.”

And he’s all, “I asked because we have over thirty different kinds of power drills.”

And I’m like, “Oh. I need to release my Dark Lord from the bronze shell in which I imprisoned him.”

And he’s, “Oh, you should have said so.” And he leads me to the drill boutique and I picked out a red and black one that matched my dress, and Bob picked out a hacksaw which totally clashed, but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, so I said it was très beau, which is French for sweet.

’Kayso, as I’m paying for my stuff, I go, “So, why are you guys still open at midnight?”

And Bob goes, “Well, you know how it is, you never know when someone is going to need to free their dark lord in the middle of the night, or tie him up.”

And I’m all, “Ewww.” Because I do not go for that shit. I am only into S &M and bondage as it applies to wardrobe. I tried cutting myself to express my heartbreak over Tommy (Lord Flood) rejecting me, but OMFG it hurts like flaming fuck. I mean, I’m into self-mutilations as much as the next person-I have eight piercings and five tattoos, some that hurt like double flaming fuck to get, but that was professional, and you can blame someone. In fact, I know a guy in the Haight who will tattoo you for free if you’re a girl and you keep yelling at him the whole time, which, it turns out, isn’t that hard to do when someone is poking you with an electric needle. When he did my bat wings I screamed at him so much I lost my voice for two days.

’Kayso, I took the F car across town and the three blocks from Market to the loft, but like holding the button on my sun wart jacket in case I got ambushed by Chet and his vampyre kitty pals, because I totally can’t run in my wedding dress because the buckles of my motocross platforms get caught in the lace, so it’s like, stand and fight or die, bitches! But no vamp kitties came.

Anyway, I make it to the loft and I come in all, “Hey Countess, here’s your drill!” All Carebear-on-crack-perky, although that might have been a mistake, because it’s a proven fact that it’s easier to murder the perky. And I’m sort of, WTF vampyress ? Because she’s not her normal self, which is like hemophiliac hawt, but she’s like printer-paper pale. And I totally ignore the fact that she’s wearing one of my long skirts and my black bustier without even asking, and it’s bustiering her way more than it does me, which is kind of rude. And I’m all, “Countess, are you okay? You look kind of pale.”

And Jared is all, “You should have seen her before she drank those blood bags.”

And I’m suddenly feeling all poop on a stick, because it’s obvious that she’s all gone snowflake because she’s been locked up without feeding. So I’m like, “Sorry. I just wanted you guys to be together for eternity, and it didn’t sound like that’s how it was going to happen.”

And she’s like, “Later, Abby.” And she just takes the tools from me and goes over to the statue and starts drilling and sawing and whatnot.

So I’m like, “How did you get out?”

And she’s all, “Rat boy was dancing and nicked the casting with his dagger.”

And Jared’s all, “I wasn’t dancing. I had some espresso and I was telling them my novel and I lost my balance on your stupid boots.”

And I’m all, “You can’t give him caffeine, Countess. His aunt gave him a hundred-dollar Starbucks card for Christmas and we had to have an intervention.”

And Jody pauses and looks back at me, her eyes looking all emerald-like, because except for her hair, she has no color in her face and she’s like, “Tommy didn’t know how to turn to mist, Abby. I never had a chance to teach him before you bronzed us. He’s been trapped in here, fully conscious, for five weeks.”

And I’m like backing away, because I’ve seen the Countess pissed off before, like when the Animals kidnapped Tommy and she had to kick their asses to get him back, but now she’s all jaw tightened like she’s keeping herself from tearing my arms off or something. So I sort of feel for the button on the cuff of my sun jacket. Not like I was going to fry the Countess, because I wouldn’t do that, but just for security.

And she just snaps her hand out and before I can move she’s pulled the battery out of my inside pocket and ripped off the wire leads. I mean like faster than you can blink.

So I’m like, “I wasn’t going to light it up.”

And she’s all, “Just to be safe.”

But I’m not feeling safe. And I can tell that Jared isn’t feeling safe because he’s sort of sniffling like he’s going to start crying.

And Jody is sawing on the bronze like a crazy person-on the side where she used to be, so she doesn’t cut Tommy-and finally she has, like, enough sawed away that she can pull a piece away and look in.

And she’s all, “Tommy, we’re going to get you out of there. I have to be careful, but I’ll get you out of there soon.”

And Jared is like, “Do you need a flashlight?”

And Jody is like, “No, I can see.”

And Jared is all, “Is he dead?”

And right then Jody snaps a hacksaw blade and goes, “Well of course he’s dead, he’s a vampyre.”

And I’m all, “Duh? Tard.” As I hand Jody another blade.

I have to say, that for someone with super powers and immortality, the Countess kind of sucks ass with tools. I guess the dark gift doesn’t include home improvement skills.

’Kayso, after about an hour the Countess pulls a big piece off the statue, revealing Tommy’s face and torso and whatnot, and he’s just stuck there, not moving, not opening his eyes, and even whiter than the Countess, kind of a light bruise-blue color.

And Jared is all, “He dead?”

And Jody is like kind of between a scream and a sob, and she’s like, “Get me another blood bag, Jared. And Abby, where the fuck are my clothes?” And a little blood tear runs down her cheek.

And I’m like, “Uh-oh.” Because now I realize why she’s wearing my clothes. When Foo and I moved in we put all of Tommy and Jody’s clothes in vacuum bags under the bed. So I’m like, “What do you want to wear, Countess? I’ll get it. I mean, you can wear my stuff any time you want, because I am your faithful minion, but you have been endowed by your creator with significantly more boobage and junk in the trunk than me, no offense, and my stuff doesn’t exactly fit you. No offense.”

And Jared is all, “She had your Emily hoody on over that but it got blood all over it.” Not helping at all. “Hey, who wants a latte?”

And the Countess snarled at Jared, full frontal fangs and all. And Jared jumped back and turned his ankle. And I’m like, “Oh shit!”

And she barks, “Blood!”

And Jared and I are all, “Coming right up. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.”

And I bring her the bag of blood and she tears it open with her teeth and just pours it over his lips and in his mouth and nothing happens. And Jody is crying and getting louder and Jared and I are getting more and more freaked out and even all the rats in their little boxes are freaking out and running around in circles and whatnot. And finally Tommy’s eyes pop open, and they’re like crystal blue, like ice, not like eyes, and he screams, and I swear to fucking zombie Jebus, the whole wall of windows in the loft just shattered in the frames.

So Jared and I are all bent over in the corner, covering our ears, and Tommy comes flying out of the statue. You can hear his leg bones cracking like pretzels as he pulls them out, but he scurries on his hands, knocking rats and furniture every which way, coming right at me, fangs first.