Camy Tang - Sushi for One?

“We’re separating you into two teams. You guys are team one – ”

Mariko pointed to three Barbies (Lex didn’t remember their names), Lex, Mr. Babysitter, and baby Tavi. “The rest are team two. Now, pick a model and make her a bridal gown from the toilet paper!”

You have got to be kidding me. Why did Mariko cheer? It would be hard to find an older or dumber bridal shower game in history.

“Lex, you’re our model.” Tall girl with fried blonde hair.

“Because we know how to make a good dress.” Asian girl with green contact lenses, making her look rather alien-like.

“No. Way.” Lex crossed her arms.

“Oh, come on.” Buxom girl with short hair held out her length of TP. “The less you fight, the faster this will be over.”

She had a point. It wasn’t as if Lex was going to help them make the dress, and Mr. Babysitter had his hands full. “Fine.” She flung out her arms and clipped Green Contacts’s nose.

Mariko should have set a time limit. The Three Stooges dithered over where to put every single length of TP.

“Over her shoulder?”

“No, then it won’t drape for a nice train.”

“How about dipping down in front?”

“No, that’ll upset the lines.”

Lines? It was a TP dress, for crying out loud. And did they need to touch her so much? “Just put it on!” Lex swiveled so she could give all three her hottest glare. Mr. Babysitter sat apart from them, holding baby Tavi a little like a football.

The doorbell rang. Since Lex’s group was the only one in line of sight with the door, Buxom Girl darted to open it.

Lex twisted around. “No!” She looked ridiculous. She didn’t want anyone to see -

Too late. The door swung open. “Got a package. I need a signature.” A UPS deliveryman stood there in his brown uniform. He did a double-take at seeing Lex mummified, with Fried Blonde wrapping her head in more TP for a veil.

Lex’s glare lanced right through him. “What are you looking at?”

He jumped. “Nothing, ma’am.” He grabbed the electronic pad from Buxom Girl before she could scrawl more than an initial and raced away.

They finally finished, and Lex stood glowering while the girls laughed at her – no way would she believe they were laughing at the dress instead – until Mariko nodded, and she could tear it off her body.

“Oh! Be careful!” Green Contacts tried to save their creation.

Lex stuck her face close enough to see her pupils shrink. “It’s toilet paper. ”

“Okay, next game is Guess That Lingerie!” Tiki trilled a sadistic laugh. “We asked everybody to bring some sexy lingerie for Mariko -they’re all laid out here – so now each of you will guess who brought which outfit!”

Was Tiki dropped on her head as a child? What kind of inane game was this?

Baby Tavi let out a particularly shrieking wail – man, that kid had cried nonstop so far – and Mariko glanced in Lex’s direction. “Lex, you go first.”

“No way.” Lex thrust out her jaw.

Mariko’s eyes spit daggers at her.

Lex burned holes in her Shiseido face with her laser-beam vision.

Mariko took a step toward her.

Rrrrring!

Saved by the cell phone. Lex would even welcome a call from one of Grandma’s friends’ sons right now.

Maybe it was… the number looked familiar, but she couldn’t place it. “Hello?”

“Lex, it’s Aiden.”

Lex flashed a brilliant smile at Mariko. “Sorry, I have to take this.” She escaped into the kitchen.

“Hey, Aiden, what’s up?” She peeked into the refrigerator. Maybe Mariko had some carrot sticks…

“You have my cell phone.”

Lex straightened, clipping her forehead on the edge of a shelf. “What do you mean? You’re talking to me.” She rubbed her raw skin.

“From your cell phone.”

Lex peered at the phone. Oh. “When did this happen?”

“Last night at volleyball. Remember? We both answered our phones.”

“Oh, yeah.” She’d tossed hers down without answering. She hadn’t even noticed it when she put her phone away.

“Where are you now?” Aiden asked.

“Cupertino.”

“I’m in the area. Want me to come by so we can switch phones?”

“Yes!” Whoa, easy there, Rover. “I mean, that would be fine.”

“Give me your address.”

Lex recited Mariko’s address with the gusto of the kids in Sunday school. “Need directions?”

“No, I’ll MapQuest it. I’ll call if I get lost.”

She hung out in the kitchen, munching on an apple until the mortifying lingerie game had finished. She took her seat next to Mr.Babysitter, who was trying to juggle a squirming Tavi and a cup of syrupy punch someone had given to him.

He held out his cup to her. “Can you hold this for a sec?”

“Sure.” She grabbed it.

Mr. Babysitter changed to a weird stiff-armed bouncing thing with the squalling baby. Tavi had crescendoed to a piercing howl.

Mr. Babysitter’s eyes held pure panic as he turned to her. “Know anything about babies?”

“No.” He couldn’t pay Lex enough to lay a finger on Tiki’s spoiled brat.

Baby Tavi paused his wide-mouthed crying to burp. A drop of cloudy drool trickled down his chin.

Ew. Lex flipped her eyes away faster than Dad with the remote control. Mariko bustled past her, wafting some sickly sweet scent her way. Lex’s abused stomach rumbled, then stilled.

Baby Tavi had quieted to sniffles, snorts, and hiccoughs, all of which started to sound very wet and slurpy and gross. He now had a large spot of ochre-colored drool on his bib. Don’t think about the color! Lex tried to shut one eye so she couldn’t see him.

She breathed a shallow breath in through her nose, but then caught a whiff of something distinctly urp-smelling. She gagged.

“Mariko, I’m not feeling well.”

Mariko tilted her head down as she glared at Lex. She propped a hand on her hip, making her bangles jingle like chains. “You stay right where you are.”

“I’m serious, Mariko.”

A pink glitter extension aimed at her. “Stay put.”

Lex’s stomach heaved again. Maybe if she didn’t move, it would settle down.

A gushing liquidy sound. Warmth dripping on her hand, soaking through her slacks.

Don’t look, don’t look, don’t -

The smell of regurgitated carrots assailed her. Her eyes flew open in shock.

Orange-yellow splattered on her hand, her forearm, all over her leg. Lucky her. Tavi had the projectile thing going.

Her stomach rose to boiling. She clapped her hand over her mouth and nose, trying to think cool, calming thoughts while her gut roiled.

Unfortunately, she forgot about the cup of syrupy juice in her hand. It spilled all over the source of her misery.

Well, she got most of it on Tavi’s bib. And his head. And Mr.Babysitter’s pants. And Mariko’s floor.

“Aaaaiiiiieeeee! ” Mariko’s piercing shriek sent a jolt through Lex’s body.

Lex couldn’t move. She stared at Tavi’s red-orange grinning face and pressed a shaking hand to her midsection.

Tiki rushed to Tavi’s side, but then stood there flapping her arms canary-style when Mr. Babysitter shoved the newly anointed baby at her. “Ew… ugh… er…”

“Lex, how could you?” Green Contacts circled them, but she also kept out of reach of Tavi’s flinging arms. “He’s just a baby.”

“He started it.” Lex tried to wipe the baby urp from her hand onto Mr. Babysitter’s pants.

“Hey!” He shifted away from her.

“Your pants are already dirty.”

“So are yours.”

Hmm. Good point. Oh, no. Lex’s stomach started boiling again. “I’m going to be sick.”

The circle around them expanded faster than a balloon. Mr. Babysitter’s dismayed gaze passed over each of the women. “Somebody take the kid!”