Robert Rankin - Necrophenia

And then he ceased his chanting and he spoke unto me.

In a broad Lancastrian accent.

Which I will not attempt to imitate here. But he did use the phrase ‘well, I’ll go t’t foot of our stairs’ more than once.

‘Oh monster,’ he spake unto me. ‘Oh horrid pink beasty from the overworld. We have now beheld the terrible ruination of Hindoo Howdoo Hoodoo Yoodoo Man Plaza. How you cast down your thunderbolts from above and descended upon a coloured rope of doom to destroy us all. We who have remained true to the True Faith, who worship at the shrine of the cheeky chappie.’

I thought that Max Miller was the cheeky chappie, but no matter. George was, after all, a generic, or indeed archetypal, cheeky chappie.

‘As the words of the George came down to us in the ancient days, it was prophesied that an evil one would descend upon us. And that he would be all pinky pink. But that if we captured and ate him, it would all turn out nice again.’

And I said, ‘Mmmph mm mm.’ Which, I agree, had never proved to be much of a winner as a means of communication.

‘So die, pinky overworlder!’ And the blade, held high as ever, rose a tad higher.

And I went, ‘Mmmph!’ which meant, ‘Please.’ But no doubt sounded like mmph! And then the terrible blade came down and I closed my eyes and I prayed.

‘Please, please, God,’ I prayed. ‘I know You’re not going to help me. But I also know that in Your infinite wisdom You are infinitely wise and so me dying now in this horrible fashion is all part of Your divine plan. Although, and pardon me for putting in my three-pennyworth here, but it is my considered opinion that it would have been a better deal for Mankind, for Your Mankind, if I lived to fight another day and destroyed the evil Homunculus.’

And obviously, you have to understand, I prayed this really really fast, because that blade was heading on down towards my heart and I didn’t want to get cut off in mid-sentence.

And I heard the swish of that blade. And then nothing. And then whispering. And I opened my eyes and looked up. And there was someone rabbiting away into the priest’s ear. And this rabbiter had one hand over the priest’s knife-hand and had stayed its progress towards my heart. And I heard the priest say, ‘Are you certain?’ in a Lancastrian kind of a fashion. And the other fellow nodded hugely and replied, ‘They are bringing it here even now.’

And I heard the priest say, ‘Well, this puts an entirely different complexion on things. I will need to cogitate upon this intelligence.’

And with that he sheathed his dagger and marched and charged away.

Which left me to say thank you very much indeed to the Almighty and promise that I would not let Him down when it came to the slaying of the Homunculus and the saving of Mankind.

‘Amen,’ I said.

Though it sounded like, ‘Mmph.’

And then I was left alone for a bit. And then the priest returned, but this time not in the company of his dagger. This time he appeared in the company of several young and most nubile golden girlies, scantily clad and looking well up for it.

And he ordered one of these lovelies to unstrap me from the sacrificial altar and he began to speak to me words of apology.

‘I, I mean we, are most humbly, humbly sorry, your mightiness,’ said he. Which I liked the sound of. ‘There has been a terrible, terrible mistake. A clerical error, I suppose. And fear not, I will find the individual responsible and have him hung up by his wedding tackle, whilst many blows are dealt to his snout with a stout stick.

‘That it should happen today of all days. Upon this sacred day, which is to say your sacred day. Which, of course, would be why you chose this day to bestow upon us the wondrousness of your presence.’

And the lovelies were now dusting me down in a most intimate fashion and readjusting my clothing. And that did get a bit of a smile playing about my lips. But I really had no idea what this priest fellow was going on about.

And so I asked him.

‘Hmmph mm mmph?’ I went.

And then I removed the stuffing from my mouth. ‘What are you on about?’ I asked him.

‘And he speaks the sacred Lancashireland.’ And the priest fell down on his knees. And the lovelies fell down on their knees too all around me. And that was a really good look, I’m telling you.

‘Up,’ I said. To the priest. Eventually. ‘Speak to me clearly.’

‘Yes sir, yes.’ And he called out now to some underling, ‘Bring the sacred pouch. Display the sacred tools of Godhead.’

Which made me a trifle edgy. Because there was always the chance that a sacred pouch might contain the celestial castrating shears, or some other such sacred tool.

And an underling scuttled in and this underling had my rucksack.

‘Oi!’ I said. ‘That’s mine. Give it back.’

‘Oh yes, your sirness, yes,’ said the priest. ‘But please, might I display the sacred tools? Might I touch the sacred tools?’

‘If you must,’ I said. And I shrugged. Which reminded me of the Shrugger. And I wondered whatever had become of him.

But not for long, as the priest had now taken my rucksack from the underling and had reverently opened it and was now spreading its contents out upon the sacrificial altar.

‘You have them,’ he said, in a hushed and awestruck tone. ‘As it was prophesied. In a different prophecy altogether. The one about the coming of the Special One. You have the sacred tools.’ And he pulled out a stick of dynamite. Which made me flinch somewhat. But there weren’t any naked flames about, so I relaxed slightly.

‘You have them!’ he cried, in an exalted fashion.

‘I do,’ I said. ‘And they’re mine, so be careful.’

‘Oh yes, sir, yes.’ And he stroked the stick of dynamite. ‘The Little Stick of Blackpool Rock,’ he said.

And I remembered that song well enough – I’d rehearsed that particular George Formby number a goodly number of times in the music room of Southcross Road School.

And the priest laid out the six sticks of dynamite. ‘One for each of the ministers of the church,’ he said.

‘Absolutely,’ I said. What is this all about? I thought.

And then his hands were once more inside my rucksack. In a rather intimate manner, I thought. Although I suppose it had never occurred to me that one could get all precious about the contents of a rucksack. But then I’d never owned one before.

‘And yes!’ cried the priest. ‘You do have it. The sacred strummupon. The Instrument of God.’ And he drew out the ukulele that Mr Ashbury Molesworth had sold to me as a useful means of passing the time when trapped hopelessly far beneath ground level.

‘That’s also mine,’ I said. And I took it from his hands.

‘And so,’ he said, in a breathless fashion, ‘can you strum the holy hymns upon the sacred strum-upon?’

‘Can I!’ said I.

‘Well, can you?’ said he.

‘Yes, I can,’ said I. ‘Would you care for me to sing you a song?’

And the priest was speechless. But he nodded. And then he said, ‘Sing one of the holy hymns of the George. Oh yes.’

And I took to checking whether the uke was in tune.

‘It’s G, C, E and A,’ I explained. ‘Or as we musicians say, my dog has fleas.’

And his head bobbed up and down.

And I said, ‘Okay, it’s in tune. So what would you like to hear?’

And the priest just turned up the palms of his hands and said, ‘Anything, Lord sir.’

‘Okey-dokey,’ I said. ‘In that case I will play one of my own compositions. I wrote this number in my head, when I lay in a coma in a hospital bed. But you don’t need to concern yourself with that. I wrote it for one of my favourite authors. He is known as the Father of Far-Fetched Fiction and his name is Robert Rankin.’