Robert Rankin - Necrophenia

‘Coming right up, sir,’ said Fangio. But he didn’t move an inch.

‘So what, exactly, is the problem?’ I asked Elvis.

‘It’s my brother,’ said Elvis.

To which I said, ‘Your brother?’

‘Not so loud, sir, if you please.’

‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘I’m sorry. But your brother – I didn’t know that you had a brother.’

‘I was born one of twins,’ said Elvis.

‘Yes, well, I know that. But your twin died in childbirth. I know that, too. Very sad.’

‘He didn’t die,’ said Elvis. ‘They took him away. He was a special boy. He is a special boy.’

‘Have you ever heard of the Ministry of Serendipity?’ I asked Elvis.

‘Yes, sir, I have. And that Doctor McMahon ain’t no brother of mine.’

‘But you do know of him?’

‘Certainly, sir. He was part of the experiment.’

And yes, I confess, I was warming to this. Elvis Presley’s twin brother. The Ministry of Serendipity. Part of the experiment. Oh yes, I was certainly warming to this.

‘I will have to ask you to tell me everything as clearly and precisely as possible,’ I told Elvis. ‘The facts are the most important thing to a detective. Oh, and one more thing-’

‘Yes, sir?’ said Elvis.

‘Not you,’ I told him. ‘Fange.’

‘Yes?’ said Fange the barman.

‘Clear off,’ I said to Fange. ‘This is private.’

And Fangio stumped away in a right old grump and a battered tricorn and I spoke on with Elvis.

‘Tell me everything,’ I said. And he told me everything.

‘You must understand, sir,’ said he, ‘that I only know what I am going to tell you because my daddy told it all to me. After my mummy died-’ and Elvis crossed himself, though I never thought he was Catholic ‘- my daddy took me aside and said, “Son, I have things to say to you, and you’d better listen when I say them.” And I listened and so I’m telling them to you now.’

‘And very well, too,’ I said. And Elvis continued.

‘You see, sir, there’s a war going on. And I don’t mean a war like Vietnam. This war has been going on for ever. Between Good and Evil, God and the Devil.’ And I thought back to Captain Lynch and all he had told me when I was young. And I thought that I knew what was coming. And I did. To some degree.

‘Good and Evil, God and the Devil,’ said Elvis. ‘But God, He doesn’t war too much Himself. Though the Devil keeps right on. And the bad guys who work for the Devil – black magicians, I tell you, sir, real black magicians.’ And Elvis looked at me. Deeply, right into my eyes.

And, if I had been gay, well…

‘Please carry on,’ I told him.

‘Powerful bad magic, sir,’ said Elvis. ‘And every century the most powerful black magician performs the most powerful spell there is and causes the Homunculus to be born – a human being with the soul of an unholy one. He’s kinda the Devil in human form, but not quite.’

‘And how do you and your brother, and indeed Doctor McMahon, fit into this?’ I asked.

‘It was meant to be me,’ said Elvis. ‘I was supposed to be the Homunculus.’

‘Golly!’ I said.

‘Where?’ said Elvis.

‘Never mind. Please continue. Please.’

‘I don’t know what you know about the Second World War,’ said Elvis, ‘but it wasn’t all fought with tanks and bombs. It was fought with magic, too. And Adolf Hitler got raised into power by black magicians and the SS was a black-magic cult.’

‘I have read of such things,’ I said. ‘And you believe this to be true?’

‘I know it to be true, sir. The Nazi magicians were trying to create the twentieth-century Homunculus, Hitler being the nineteenth-century Homunculus. The new one was to be his unholy son. But there were other magicians, all around the world, all waging war in their own ways. And the most powerful of all was in England. Have you ever heard of a guy named Aleister Crowley?’

‘Yes,’ I said, and I nodded also. ‘My father met him once.’

‘Your daddy met the Great Beast of the Apocalypse?’ And Elvis had awe in his voice and he crossed once more at himself.

And I felt rather good that I had impressed him.

‘The British Government,’ Elvis continued, ‘a secret department of war in the British Government – the Ministry of Serendipity – recruited Crowley to beat the German occult war machine by raising the Homunculus before they could.’

I looked on as Elvis spoke all these words. And I admit that I was pretty slack-jawed. Because you really wouldn’t have expected such stuff to come out of the mouth of Elvis Presley.

Would you?

‘Mr Crowley was an old man,’ Elvis continued, ‘but still strong with spells. They brought to him a woman who would be mother to the Homunculus. My mummy. Their idea was simply to beat the Germans to it. And once they had brought the Homunculus into being, they would then kill it straight away, and so void the chance of another being created for another one hundred years.’

‘Rather clever,’ I said. ‘If a little horrid.’

‘So, Mr Crowley – he-’

‘Had sex with your mum?’ I asked.

‘Please keep your voice down, sir.’

‘So you are the son of Aleister Crowley?’

Elvis looked to the right and the left, then nodded. ‘Through magical invocation.’

‘Well, damn me!’ I said.

‘That’s not really my line, sir,’ said Elvis.

‘Go on, please.’

‘I was one of twins, sir, like I told you. The English magicians beat the German magicians in the race to create the Homunculus. And eventually they managed to kill Hitler also and end the war. The Americans did that, sir, not the Brits.’

‘Why did it come as no surprise to me that you were going to say that?’ I said.

‘Because you are Lazlo Woodbine and always one step ahead of the game, sir?’ Elvis suggested. And I agreed with him. And so he went on-

‘It wasn’t twins, sir,’ said Elvis. ‘I have to be honest, sir. On January eighth nineteen forty-five, six boys were born. Because Mr Crowley was the Beast Six-Six-Six. Three boys died. I survived, and my brother. And my other brother – Doctor McMahon, as he calls himself now.’

‘And the actual Homunculus?’ I said. ‘It’s not you, is it? And it’s not Doctor McMahon?’

‘No, sir. It’s my other brother, Keith.’

‘Keith?’ I said, both slowly and surely.

‘Keith,’ said Elvis.

‘Keith,’ I said once more. ‘Your sextuplet, Keith, the evil Homunculus.’

‘That’s about the size of it, sir. And I want you to find him.’

‘Ah,’ I said. ‘I see. He’s gone missing, this Keith?’

‘He escaped, sir, yes.’

‘Escaped?’ I asked.

‘The Ministry of Serendipity intended to kill him at birth, sir, but then someone got to thinking that maybe they should study him instead. Keep him under control and under constant surveillance, but keep him, as their own. For their purposes.’

‘And the British Government thought this?’

‘The Ministry of Serendipity, yes, sir. So they moved Mummy and Daddy over to America. They were originally from Brentford in London, England, but the Ministry resettled them in Tupelo, Mississippi. My brother Keith was kept a secret – he never left the house. He has ways about him, sir. Horrible ways. Wherever he goes, things die. All things. So my mummy and daddy kept him indoors. And time passed and now I’m kinda famous. Which I hear don’t please my other brother Darren too much. And he’s kinda angry too that Mummy and Daddy left him behind at the Ministry. You see, sir, they couldn’t care for three children – they didn’t get much of a Government grant.’

‘And so why exactly do you want to employ me?’ I asked Elvis.