Carl Hiaasen: Flush

It was sweet news for our family. Although my father was making good money at Tropical Rescue, his patience for numskull behavior was running out. Almost every night he'd tell us a new horror story about some macho moron driving a go-fast boat aground and gouging a hundred-yard scar across the turtle grass.

I had a feeling it was only a matter of time before Dad towed one of those knuckleheads somewhere other than back to the dock; somewhere far away, where it would be a long, hot, miserable wait until anybody found them.

So we were really amped to know that Dad would soon be back in his skiff, guiding for bonefish and tarpon and snook. Almost overnight he seemed happy again, nearly as happy as when Grandpa Bobby had been here. Mom promised to take everybody out for stone crabs to celebrate when the big day arrived.

But less than a month before the Coast Guard was due to return Dad's license, more trouble kicked up. I came home from school and found a large splintered hole in the center of our front door. There was another hole in the kitchen door, and still another in the door of the hallway bathroom.

It was impossible not to notice that each of the holes was about the same size as my father's fist.

Mom looked frazzled when she came down the hall.

“What happened?” I asked.

She shook her head somberly. “Your dad got some bad news.”

My knees started to buckle-I was afraid something terrible had happened to Grandpa Bobby.

“It's about Dusty Muleman,” my mother said. “His lawyers worked out some sweetheart deal with the government. He's reopening the Coral Queen tonight, throwing a big party for the whole town…”

I should've been ticked off, too, but at that moment I was more worried about Dad.

“Mom, tell me he didn't use his bare hands on the doors.”

“Oh yes, indeed.”

Just thinking about it was painful. I said, “Who's teaching those anger-control classes-Mike Tyson?”

“It's certainly a setback,” my mother said unhappily. “They've been counseling your dad to get rid of negative energy the moment it enters his head. Somehow I don't think this is what they had in mind.”

“How bad is it?”

Mom motioned toward their bedroom. “He's resting quietly now,” she said. “Why don't you go have a talk with him? I've got to pick up your sister from her piano lesson.”

Dad was lying down, watching cheesy old music videos on VH1. Each of his hands was covered by a plaster cast, and each cast was as large as a honeydew melon.

He looked up with an embarrassed smile. “Could be worse,” he said.

“That's true. At least you're not in jail this time,” I said.

“And it was only doors that got smashed. Those I can fix myself.”

I sat on the edge of the bed, trying not to stare. I still couldn't believe what he'd done to himself. “You really feel like you're improving?” I asked.

My father nodded confidently. “I think the counseling has helped, Noah, I honestly do.”

Like I said, sometimes he's on his own weird little planet.

A video came on with a chubby guy dressed up like a woman, lipstick and all. Dad hoisted one of his casts and dropped it on the remote control. The TV screen went blank.

“Be glad you weren't around in the '80s,” he said. “The worst music and the worst hair in the history of the human race-that's no lie.”

“Mom's pretty upset,” I told him.

“I've been a disappointment to her. I realize that.” Dad pulled himself upright and gazed out the window and didn't say anything for a while.

“She'll be all right,” I said, to break the silence.

“Yeah, she's amazing. Rock solid.”

He turned to face me and cleared his throat a couple of times. “Noah, I'm going to tell you how things work in the real world. It might make you mad or sick to your stomach, whatever-but I want you to listen closely. Okay?”

I said sure-and braced for one of his rants.

“You know how much Dusty Muleman got fined for dumping his holding tank? For fouling nature with that awful crap? Guess what his punishment was!” My father was trembling with fury. “Ten thousand lousy dollars! Ten grand-that's what he makes in one stinking night off that casino operation. It's a joke, son. It's chump change to a rich maggot like that!”

“Dad, take it easy-”

“No, you need to hear this. You need to know.” He hunched forward, eyes blazing. “Last year a few young hotshots from the federal prosecutor's office in Miami drove down here for a private bachelor party on the Coral Queen . You know what a bachelor party is, right?”

“No, but I'll be glad to do some research.” I was trying to lighten the mood. “Yes, Dad, I know what a bachelor party is.”

“Don't be a smartass, son. Just listen and learn. The party gets a little out of control, okay? On the boat there are some… well, let's be nice and call them ‘dancers.' Exotic-type dancers-”

“I get the idea, Dad.”

“Anyway, Dusty takes out a camera and he snaps some pictures. Now, these aren't the sort of pictures that a person would necessarily want to frame and hang on the living-room wall-”

“Hold on,” I said. “You're telling me that Dusty Muleman blackmailed the government's lawyers?”

“Let's say he didn't hesitate to tell their boss what happened that night-and what was on that roll of film,” Dad said, “which I'm sure Dusty has locked away in a vault somewhere. Anyway, all of a sudden the feds are looking to cut a deal and close the case.”

“For a fine of ten thousand bucks.”

“It would've been even less, if it weren't for Lice Peeking,” my father said. “He showed up one day at the Coast Guard station and gave a secret statement, testifying about what he saw when he used to work on the casino boat. He swore that Dusty ordered the crew to flush the holding tank whenever it got full, as long as nobody was around to see.”

I smiled to myself. That was pure Shelly-forcing Lice Peeking to step up and tell what he knew. It was obviously part of the price he had to pay if he wanted to be her boyfriend again.

“So Dusty agreed to cough up the ten grand,” Dad went on, “and he promised never, ever again to flush into the basin.”

“And they believed him? After all this?” I said. It was incredible.

“Oh, and dig this. To show how much he cares about the ocean, he offers to throw a big fund-raising benefit for the Save the Reef Foundation on the Coral Queen .” Dad chuckled bitterly. “It would be funny if only it were a movie and not real life.”

Now I understood why he'd slugged the doors. It was the surest way to stop himself from doing the same thing to Dusty Muleman.

“What happened to Luno?” I asked.

“He's back in Morocco, probably living the high life,” my father said. “Dusty paid him off and put him on a jet, in case the feds went looking for him.”

“How'd you find this stuff out?”

“Shelly told me,” he said. “She's slick. Dusty still hasn't got a clue that she was in on your sting.”

Dad was thirsty, so I brought him some water and tipped the glass to his lips. He said that six of his ten knuckles had been fractured and that the doctors weren't sure when the casts could come off.

“Until then, I guess I'm out of action,” he said dejectedly, “unless I learn how to steer a boat with my feet.”

“But you're still getting back your captain's license, right?”

“Absolutely, Noah. There's no law against punching out your own house.”

We heard Mom's car rolling into the driveway.

“Why don't you let me be the one to tell Abbey all this,” I suggested.

“Good idea,” Dad said, “but be sure to leave out the part about the dancers.”