Carl Hiaasen - Flush

Abbey said, “Why'd he come back? Did he run out of money or something?”

“You're a very sharp young lady. Yeah, he ran out of money,” Shelly said, “but that's not why he came back to the Keys. See, he missed me. Deep down in his heart, he truly did.”

I cringed when my sister asked, “How can you possibly believe that?”

“Because the man knew for a fact what would happen if I ever laid eyes on him again. He knew I'd whup him like the sorry, no-good jackass he is-yet he came back anyway! If that ain't true love, it's close enough for me,” said Shelly.

The timing of Lice Peeking's return couldn't have been worse. It was past three in the morning when he'd flung open the trailer door, only to find his cherished Shelly reading an astrology magazine on the couch-with a snoozing Billy Babcock stretched out beside her. In a jealous fit Lice Peeking had jumped on Billy, kicking and punching and scratching.

That was when Shelly had run to the toolshed.

Being whacked with a rake seemed to work miracles on Lice Peeking's attitude-he'd dropped to one knee, told Shelly he adored her, and blubbered he was sorry for all the rotten deeds he'd ever done.

“Even promised to pay back the $186 he took, plus the towing charges for the Jeep,” Shelly said. “I'll never see a nickel, for sure, but still it was a nice sentiment. I told Lice to quit beggin' and get off the floor, and that's when the fool grabbed the aquarium stand to pull himself up. Whole tank tipped over on top of him, all fifty gallons, and off to dreamland he went.”

It wouldn't have been a huge shock to learn that Shelly had purposely dumped the grungy aquarium on Lice Peeking, but I took her word that it was an accident. Anything was possible.

“What about the fish?” Abbey asked worriedly.

“There was only one left, the loneliest, most pitiful guppy you ever saw. I put him in the bathtub,” Shelly said.

“And him?” I nodded toward Billy Babcock.

“Slept through all the fun, believe it or not.” Shelly nudged him again with the rake handle. “Once he wakes up, I'll clue him in on what happened. Otherwise he'll be curious about all those fresh bruises and fingernail marks.”

I went over to take a close look at Lice Peeking. The toppling aquarium had left a plum-sized knot on his forehead. His T-shirt showed several rows of small bloody holes where Shelly's rake had dug in, but he seemed to be feeling no pain. He snored peacefully, blowing snot bubbles from his nose.

Abbey said to Shelly, “What a loser! I can't believe you're taking him back.”

“It's none of your business, princess, but let's say it was. Let's say you were my mother and you were upset about me hangin' out with this lame excuse for a boyfriend. I'd tell you that I'm a big girl with my eyes wide open. Made a few dumb mistakes of my own, but I was always grateful for a second chance. And trust me,” Shelly said, “that's all Lice Peeking is gettin'-one more chance. Look here, he even went and bought me some new earrings.”

Shelly pulled back her thick hair to reveal five small, shiny hoops in her left ear. Abbey admitted they looked cool.

“Yeah, they do.” Shelly turned to me. “Noah, what does your daddy think is gonna happen to Dusty Muleman?”

“He says the Coast Guard will probably shut down the Coral Queen right away. He says they won't throw Dusty in jail, but they could make him pay out a fortune in fines.”

“But if the boat's out of business, then you're out of a job,” Abbey said to Shelly. “What are you going to do?”

“Don't worry about me, princess. Being a bartender in the Keys is like being a roofer in hurricane season. You're never out of work for long.”

The trailer was such a disaster that sweeping and mopping seemed like a waste of energy; it should have been towed straight to the county dump. But it was Shelly's only home, so I said, “We're going to help you fix up this place.”

“You'll do no such thing.” She steered us toward the door. “I got all the help I need, these two turkeys ever wake up.”

She gave each of us a quick hug, then closed the door.

Abbey checked her watch and announced that we had exactly eleven minutes to get home or else we'd be grounded until the next century. We took off down the old road as fast as we could.

Ahead I spotted two familiar figures, one running and the other pedaling a beach cruiser beside him. Abbey noticed them, too.

“Noah, don't stop,” she said through clenched teeth. “No matter what.”

And I wouldn't have stopped, either, if only Jasper Jr. hadn't called me an exceptionally insulting name as we flew past. Next thing I knew, I felt myself hit the brakes. It was pure reflex. After all that had happened, I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to brighten Jasper Jr.'s day.

“Are you completely whacked?” Abbey whispered.

“Keep going,” I told her firmly. “I'm not kidding.”

She knew it, too. She kept riding.

I spun the bike around and waited. Jasper Jr. was on the beach cruiser, and Bull was jogging to keep up-beet-faced and sweating buckets.

“Where you guys going?” I asked pleasantly. “To the marina maybe? To have a chat with the Coast Guard?”

Jasper Jr. hopped off the bike and let it fall. I could see that he was boiling mad. He stalked up to me and grabbed my handlebars and wrenched them back and forth, trying to knock me off.

Somehow I kept my balance, and I also kept the smile on my face. It was driving him nuts.

“Okay, dorkbrain, let's do it!” Jasper Jr. snarled. “You and me! Right now!”

“Jasper, don't start nothin',” Bull said, bending over to catch his breath.

Very calmly I climbed off my bicycle and put down the kickstand. Then I stepped up to Jasper Jr. and got right in his face. When he reached up to shove me, I knocked his arms away. He seemed totally amazed.

I couldn't stop smiling. Being afraid of those two boneheads seemed so ridiculous, I'd rather have taken another punch in the eye than run away.

“Come on, dude,” Bull said to Jasper Jr. “Let's go.”

“Oh no you don't. Not yet,” I said. “He still owes me an apology. In fact, he owes me two, after what he just called me.”

“You're so dead!” Jasper Jr. snapped. “ So dead!”

The way he was moving his ratlike mouth, I knew he was working up another loogie to spit on me. I reached under my shirt and pulled out the chain that was hanging from my neck.

The ancient gold coin dangled back and forth, glinting in the sunlight. From the bug-eyed way that Jasper Jr. and Bull were staring, I knew they recognized the coin as the one that Grandpa Bobby was wearing that day in the woods.

Bull took a shaky half step backward. Jasper Jr. stood there gnawing on his lower lip, which I took as a sign of possible brain activity. Neither of them wanted to tangle with that crazy old pirate again.

“I'm still waiting for my apologies,” I said.

Bull poked Jasper Jr. “Get it over with, dude.” Then Bull picked up the beach cruiser, hopped on, and pedaled away.

Jasper Jr. shifted uneasily as he watched his friend ride off. Now it was just me and him. I'd like to think he would've been nervous even if I hadn't shown him the coin, but probably not.

He turned his knobby walnut head and hawked on the pavement. “I'm sorry, Underwood,” he mumbled, barely loud enough for me to hear.

“One down,” I said, “and one more to go.”

It was obviously painful, but Jasper Jr. forced himself to say it again. “I'm sorry, okay? S-o-r-y .”

“Close enough.” I stepped back and waved him down the road.

Jasper Jr. gave me one of his trademark sneers and took off running.

“Have a nice day,” I called, though I knew it probably wouldn't turn out that way for the Muleman family.