Åke Edwardson - Sun and Shadow

“That doesn’t matter. Hurry up and get well and then you can greet me as planned later.”

“You can… you can bet your life I will. Oh sh-, can you move this pillow up a bit?”

Winter pulled up one of the pillows behind his father’s head. He noticed a pungent smell, and something more. It took him a second to recall his father’s aftershave. When he did, his headache returned. The sadness of the situation stuck in him like a lump of stone.

He fluffed up the pillow a little.

“That’s fine,” his father said.

“Are you sure?”

“It’s perfect,” his mother said. She was sitting on a chair next to the bed. Winter didn’t want to look at her.

“How was the journey?” his father asked.

“Everything went well.”

“Which airline did you use?”

“Some charter company. I forget what they’re called.”

“That’s not like you.”

“Hmm.”

“It was short notice. But they found a seat for you even so?”

“Yes.”

“I bet some golfer or other had to wait for a few more hours, was that it?”

“I don’t know.”

“Serves him right. There are too many of ‘em down here nowadays. They ought to have something better to do.” He looked up at Winter. “Look what happens. One minute you’re out on the golf course and the next you’re lying here.”

“Yes, it’s not good.”

“It’s an extremely dangerous sport.”

“You’ll soon be back.”

“On the golf course?”

“Yes. And… everywhere else too.”

“I wouldn’t put a hell of a lot of money on that. This feels like the big one.”

“Hmm.”

“It feels like…” Winter couldn’t hear what came next. His father’s speech became slurred. Winter waited, but no more words came. His father’s eyelids drooped, shot up again, drooped once more. Winter realized that he was still holding his father’s hand when it lost strength and sank down.

“He needs to rest again,” his mother said, who had stood up and come to the bed. “He was so pleased that you’d come.” She gave Winter a hug. “He was quite excited when he heard you were here.”

“Hmm.”

“He woke up about a quarter of an hour before you came back.”

“He seems to be pretty… strong, despite everything,” Winter said, looking down at his unconscious father. Could he hear what they were saying? Did it matter? “Everything will turn out all right.”

“That was a lovely conversation you had,” his mother said.

It was a careful conversation, Winter thought. No risks taken. It went in big circles around a big fucking hole.

He could hear the hum from the air-conditioning. It was the first time he’d noticed it. Maybe his nervousness was fading. Next time he would ask a few questions, and maybe get a few answers.

They’d gone into the living room. She had turned on the video and bodies were writhing… The only light in the room was the blue glow from the television screen, the shadows flitting around the walls like living beings.

The sound was rising and falling. He couldn’t stand it. He wanted to march up to the television set and switch it off, but he couldn’t interrupt her ritual. He was sure she was the one who’d decided what was going to happen.

“Why are you standing there? Come and sit down here. With us.”

She beckoned from the sofa in front of the television where they were both sitting. The other man had his hand inside her blouse. On the table in front of them were glasses and bottles. He hadn’t touched a drop, but the pair on the sofa were well oiled.

He closed his eyes and it was like another time, when he’d come home and caught her on a sofa just like this one. He shouldn’t have been there. They had been surprised. He’d turned on his heel and left.

It wasn’t the first time this sort of thing had happened.

It was something to do with him. He’d thought it was to do with them, but he was beginning to realize that it was something inside himself.

He was trying to crack it. He was there now.

“Don’t laugh,” he said. “Please don’t laugh.”

They both looked at him. Their faces were patchy in the blue light. They looked as if their foreheads were tattooed.

“We haven’t laughed,” she said. “Nobody laughs here.”

“Please don’t laugh at me.”

“What the hell’s the matter with you?” said the other man, half-rising from the sofa.

“Nothing.”

“I think you’ve come to the wrong place.”

The other man stood up and started toward him. She stayed where she was, glass in hand, her body following the movements of those on the television screen.

“I’ve brought some music with me.”

“Eh?”

“I’ve brought some music we could play.”

“Music?” The other man was still standing by the sofa, and pointed to the television screen. “We already have something going on here. Or didn’t you notice?”

“Have you got a cassette player? This is something else.” He’d already seen the stereo system over to the right, various pieces of equipment stacked on top of each other in a tall, black shelving unit. He walked over to it, taking the cassette out of his breast pocket. For a fleeting moment he saw another face in his mind’s eye, like a hovering head. He recognized it. He knew that it meant something. Now the head was gone. It hadn’t had a body. The song was already echoing in his brain, he didn’t know if it was coming from his throat, if the others could hear it as well. His own head was spinning, floating toward theirs, everything was merging. He saw the face once again. Then the real music started.

Dusk would soon be falling, but it was still hot. Winter drove into Marbella. A flamenco singer gave vent to her pain over the car radio. Winter turned up the sound and rolled the window down. There was a smell of gasoline and sea. When he parked on a side street off the promenade, there was a smell of grilled octopus and eggs fried in oil. His back felt sweaty as he got out of the car and locked the doors.

The hotel was in the Avenida Duque de Ahumeda, near the beach. Winter had to wait a quarter of an hour in the foyer, then took the elevator up to the twelfth floor with his bag. He wanted to see the room before checking in. That was his usual routine.

The door lock was hanging loose. The suite comprised two rooms and a kitchen. The window facing the balcony was ajar, and the wind was making the awning flap. It was ragged, faded by the sun and the salt air. A loose strip of the awning was slapping against the window. Winter investigated further and saw that the balcony faced east with a view of another hotel. He looked around the large living room. The furniture in imitation leather had once been white.

He went to the bathroom. There was a trail of rust underneath the bath taps. There were bits of soap in the washbasin. He examined himself in the mirror. He had lost weight in the last five hours, turned paler.

He shared the elevator down with a couple in their forties who tried to avoid eye contact with the man of their own age. They had a five-day tan and were dressed for dinner.

“I don’t like that room,” Winter said to the man at the desk, handing back the key. Why do I always end up in situations like this? he wondered.

“What’s wrong with it?”

“I don’t want the room. Do you have anything else? Lower down?”

“But what’s wrong with it?”

“I DON’T WANT THAT FUCKING ROOM,” Winter said. “It’s out of order.”

“What isn’t working?” the man asked, his eyes darkening.

“Nothing’s working. Things are broken. The bathroom’s dirty. Do you have another room?”

“No. We’re fully booked.”

“For how long?”