Karen Rose - Silent Scream

He looked away, his cheeks growing warm. “You knew all along?” he asked quietly.

“Yes. I knew you loved her, but she thought of you as a brother. I knew you worked tirelessly to support her work with battered women, along with supporting a dozen other charities in town. And I knew that it broke your heart when she married someone else.”

He closed his eyes wearily. “Who else knew about Dana?”

“The ones who figured it out for themselves. Max and Caroline.” David’s older brother and his wife. Long ago, Dana had helped Caroline escape brutal domestic abuse. For that alone, Dana would forever be part of their family. “The twins,” she added. Peter and Cathy were still “the twins,” even though they were pushing forty-five.

He opened one eye. “ Elizabeth, too?” he asked.

“Yes. Your little sister picks up on more than we all give her credit for. We kept hoping you’d find someone else, that you’d be happy. But you didn’t and we didn’t know what to do, so we didn’t say or do anything. Did we do wrong?”

He shook his head. “No. There wasn’t anything you could have done, Ma.”

“I know. Makes a mother feel helpless when her kids hurt and she can’t do anything. When you told me you were moving, I wasn’t surprised. I knew you’d have to get away. I was surprised you stayed as long as you did. When you told me Minneapolis, I figured you’d picked this town to be closer to Evie and Tom.”

David’s old friend Evie had left Chicago to escape demons of her own, and his nephew, Caroline’s son Tom, was a college basketball star here at the university. “I did,” he said, and that was partly true. “Though I don’t see either of them much. They’re both so busy at school, both with their own lives. And Noah watches out for Evie now.”

His mother smiled. “Which is how it should be. Now, that you and Olivia had a biblical… thing after Mia’s wedding? That I did not know until your friend Paige confronted you.” She lifted her brows. “Because I have ears like a bat.”

He rolled his eyes, his face on fire. “Ma.”

“David,” she returned, mimicking his tone. “I have to eavesdrop. You never tell me anything. Thanks to Paige, I have a fuller picture of the puzzle that is my son.”

“I’m no puzzle. Anyway, you seem to have had it all figured out.”

She shook her head. “Not really. There’s a piece of you I’ve never been able to completely understand. I’ve admired it, loved it, bragged on it, but never understood it.”

He found himself lifting his chin defensively. “And what’s that?”

“What drives you to serve. You went from a headstrong, bullheaded, narcissistic teenager who cared for no one but himself to a man who serves more than anyone I know. Almost overnight.”

David controlled his flinch, knowing she was watching him. God help me if you ever do understand, he thought as the pictures from the past flooded his mind. Broken bodies. And so much blood. It had been eighteen years and his throat still closed when he thought of Megan, huddled over her brother’s small body, protecting him with her last breath.

Because he’d been a headstrong, bullheaded narcissistic fool who’d cared for no one but himself. Their blood was on his hands.

He realized he was staring at his hands and looked up. His mother watched him with worried eyes. He forced a smile. “No real mystery. Dad died, and you and Max needed help with his therapy to walk again.” The car accident that had killed his father and paralyzed his brother had been another defining moment in his life. Helping his brother had become his salvation, the way to claw out of the abyss into which he’d fallen. After Megan. After that, service had become… necessary. “I had to grow up.”

“And you did,” she said, her gaze piercing as she studied him. “I know how much Max appreciates it. You dropped out of college after only one semester, gave up your own sports dream to get him through physical therapy, get him back on his feet again.”

He wanted to wince at the lie she’d always taken as truth, but didn’t. He’d already dropped out of college before his father’s accident, but his mother didn’t know that. He’d been failing, unable to concentrate on his studies. Unable to sleep. Unable to make the pictures in his mind go away. Nursing his brother back to health all those years ago had been the excuse he’d needed to keep his family from finding out what a failure he really was.

“He needed me,” David managed. His throat was raw, his chest hurt. He’d never understood the people who became comfortable with a lie. Eighteen years and it still tore him up inside.

“Yes.” His mother still watched him and he fought the urge to squirm. “But that still doesn’t explain why you picked women’s shelters and charities. Even before Dana’s shelter, that’s how you spent your time. Always working. Always helping.”

“It’s a good cause.”

“Yes. When it’s a cause. But for you, it’s more than that.” She sighed. “David, I was so devastated when your father died, events that happened around that time seemed to disappear. But the years passed and it began to occur to me that your focus on charity wasn’t a passing fancy or even a healthy hobby. It was your life, at the exclusion of everything else adults normally seek. No girlfriends, nobody special. I looked back, tried to figure out when it started. I started thinking about that year. There was a tragedy in the neighborhood the spring before your dad died.”

A tragedy. Yes, it had been that. A tragedy that could have been completely avoided if he hadn’t been so full of himself. He said nothing. He wasn’t sure he could.

“Your friend died,” she said softly. “Her name was Megan, wasn’t it?”

He swallowed. Nodded.

“Her stepfather was a monster,” his mother murmured.

He swallowed again, the scene so clear in his mind. “Yes,” he whispered.

“He killed his whole family. I think we all thought it was sad, that we wished we’d known he was capable of such evil. I never considered how deeply Megan’s death impacted you. I should have. You’d been close in junior high. I’m sorry for that, David. I was so wrapped up in getting by after your dad died… and you were always so strong and steady. I never saw you were hurting. I’m sorry for that, too.”

He lifted his eyes to hers. She was sorry? She’d done nothing wrong. Not like me. He cleared his throat, hoped his voice would be level. “Why bring all that up now?”

She sat back in her chair. “Because I’ve thought about this for a long time and have wanted to ask you so many times. It never seemed like the right time, so I left it alone. I don’t suppose you understand that.”

He thought of Olivia, of how he’d put things off far too long. “More than you think.”

She leaned forward, covered his hand with hers. “For years I watched you donate your time and your talent to worthy causes. But during those same years I watched you be so alone it’s made my heart break. But you’re a man grown, so I kept my counsel.”

“And now?”

“Now… you look like you’re trying to start your life again. So I come to visit, hoping to find you settled. Instead I find an empty apartment and a son who’s still alone. Who still volunteers every waking moment of his time to others.”

David squared his jaw, looked away. “That’s not wrong.”

“Not when it’s for the right reasons. I’m not sure your reasons are the right ones. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were doing penance.”

He met her eyes, helplessly miserable. He wanted to deny her words, but could not.

Her eyes filled with tears. “I thought so. Some- times, when you think no one can see, you get this look in your eyes. Like you carry the world on your shoulders. Why?”