A Martinez - Divine Misfortune

The car pulled into the street. She wrestled with the wheel and strained to hit the brakes. The car ignored her. It traveled a few blocks before having to stop at a red light.

“Stop!” she shouted.

The car killed its engine. The eye sank to the bottom of its vial, reminding Teri of a dejected puppy. Or at least a giant dejected puppy eye.

“I’d really like to drive myself. If that’s okay with you.”

The eye bobbed in resemblance of a nod as the seat slid forward to a comfortable position and the engine started just as the light turned green. She tested the gas and brake pedals. They were responsive.

She thanked the eye and started driving.

The radio came on and flicked to a country-and-western station.

“I’m not into country music.”

The charm picked another station playing the biggest hits of the seventies. Teri wasn’t crazy about that either, but the charm was trying so hard, she decided to let it go. Though by the time she made it home, she had absorbed enough disco to last a lifetime.

She parked in the driveway, deciding to wait until sunset to pull into the garage. Phil’s car was in good shape, too, with the same polished sheen and navigation charm hanging from the mirror.

Phil was in the kitchen. She slipped up behind him and gave him a hug.

“Hey, baby,” he said. “How was your day?”

“Better now.” She glanced down at the counter, where he was busy pinning cucumbers and bologna to crackers with toothpicks. “What’s that?”

“Hors d’oeuvres. Lucky wants to have a few guests over.”

“A party? Already?”

“It’s not a party,” said Phil. “Just some friends.”

Teri glanced around. “Where is Lucky?”

“He’s out picking up some decorations.”

“Decorations? For the not-party? The not-party with hors oeuvres?”

Phil hesitated. “Yes.”

“I thought he wanted to spend his first night here getting to know us better.”

“Change of plans, I guess.” He kept his back to her, working on the hors d’oeuvres. “This isn’t going to be a big deal, is it?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” she asked.

“Teri, he’s a god. They change their minds a lot, and our job is to keep him happy. So if he wants a not-party with hors d’oeuvres and decorations then we should probably give it to him.”

“You know what? You’re right.” She opened the fridge, found it stocked with a case of beer. She grabbed a longneck and twisted the top.

“Those beers are for the not-party,” said Phil.

“We paid for it, right?”

He nodded.

“Then I get the first one.” She took a swig. Then she stuck out her tongue. She wasn’t a beer drinker.

He offered her a cucumber sandwich. She nibbled on it. “How old is this bologna?”

“It’s still good.” He double-checked the package. “Doesn’t expire for another two days.”

She jammed the sandwich in her cheek and washed it down with more beer. “By the way, Janet is coming over tonight.”

He gave her a look.

“She invited herself,” Teri said. “She’s a deiphile. Couldn’t wait to meet our new god.”

“One more doesn’t hurt,” said Phil.

“I’ll go change and then help with the not-party preparations.”

“Thanks. You’re a peach, you know that.”

“Oh yeah. I know.”

She gave him a hug and a peck.

“Hey, now,” said Lucky. “I’m not interrupting anything, am I, kids?”

Teri and Phil parted.

“How long you two crazy mortals been married?”

“Two years,” she replied.

“We dated two years before that,” Phil added.

“And you still have the passion. That’s beautiful. It really is. Can one of you lovebirds do me a favor? I left a couple of bags on the porch.”

Teri volunteered. Along with the bags of decorations, a tall gray figure in frayed, dusty robes stood on her porch. The shadow of his hood hid his face. He held a small potted plant in his hands. The plant was dead.

“Hello,” he said. “Is this the right address? I’m here for the housewarming.”

She nodded.

“This is for you then.” The gaunt man held out the dead plant. She took it. A chill passed through her as she brushed his withered hands.

“Charon, old buddy!” shouted Lucky. “You’re early. Didn’t think you’d make it. Surprised Hades was willing to take that stick out of his ass and give you the night off.”

A wide-shouldered god in a black-and-red suit stepped into view behind Charon.

“He’s my ride,” said Charon.

“Hades, my man.” Lucky chuckled. “You know I just kid because I love.”

The lord of the underworld cracked a smile. “Forget it. I’m just here for the beer.”

“Fridge is thataway.” Lucky jerked his thumb over his shoulder, and Hades headed toward the kitchen.

“By the way, I’m in front of a hydrant,” remarked Hades. “Could you direct my driver to the designated parking?”

“Geez, that guy is a cheapskate,” whispered Lucky. “Owns half the real estate in the underworld, and you still can’t keep him away from free booze.”

He and Charon chuckled. Dust and ash rose off Charon’s robes. Teri inhaled it and fell into a short coughing fit.

“Sorry,” he apologized. “I came straight from work. Didn’t have time to change.”

“You can borrow something from Phil’s closet. I’m sure he won’t mind, right, Teri?”

She nodded while struggling to clear her sticky throat.

“Charon and I will grab a shirt while you take care of Hades’s ride and start on the decorations.”

She tried to protest but Lucky and Charon had already vanished into the bedroom.

Hades’s ride was a black chariot adorned with silver skulls and twisted thorns. The wheels were aflame, and it was drawn by a pair of muscular beasts, vaguely horselike except for the snorting of fire and the slavering jaws.

The driver was a specter in a chauffeur uniform. He opened his skull and howled at Teri.

“Uh, yeah,” she said. “Just park it over there, I guess.”

The driver cracked the reins, and a clap of thunder shook the sky. The beasts roared, stamped their hooves hard enough to crack the asphalt, and pulled the chariot away. Its flaming wheels left a trail of bubbling tar.

The neighbor across the street threw Teri a dirty look. She didn’t know his first name. Or his wife’s. Or those of their two or three kids. She’d never actually talked to any of them, only nodded politely.

Within an hour, the house was overrun with gods, demigods, and legendary creatures. The gods and their entourages turned out to be first-class mooches. After they drank all the beers, they devoured everything consumable in the refrigerator. They even ate the steaks in the freezer. Didn’t even bother to cook them. It still wasn’t enough. A harpy and her lizard-creature boyfriend eyed Teri and Phil hungrily.

A blue djinn in an equally blue leisure suit defused the problem. Teri wished for more food, and he snapped his fingers, creating a magical tablecloth that produced as many beers, fruits, and cheese crackers as the gods could consume. The harpy and her boyfriend pounced on the table. Teri thought about reaching for a cracker, but figured it was a good way to lose an arm.

“Normally, I don’t do this without throwing in a little curse, too,” said the djinn, “but what the hell? You guys throw a helluva party.” He slipped off to flirt with a woman with horns growing out of her forehead.

Teri scanned the party. So far, it was a casual affair. The gods and demigods were all behaving themselves. She’d been worried about the guy with the smoking head, but once they removed the batteries from the smoke detectors, he wasn’t any trouble. The snail god wasn’t nearly as slimy as she’d first expected, and he’d given her a voucher for a free carpet shampooing. Phil was having a good time. He’d arranged an impromptu video game tournament, and was currently beating down Hades in a round of Death Ninja 3. The lord of the underworld snarled as Phil’s digital samurai executed his finishing move.