Bobbi Smith - Captive Pride

“What don’t you believe?” Noah glanced at him quickly, wondering at his tone.

“I don’t believe that you’ve changed so completely. You’ve actually become one of them.”

“What are you talking about?” Noah demanded in annoyance.

“I’m talking about your obsession with money. Just now you sounded exactly like the bankers and debt collectors who scavenged our inheritance after Father’s death. Don’t you remember how callous they were? Money was all that mattered to them. They didn’t care about the lives that would be destroyed, or the traditions that would be broken-only the money mattered.”

Matthew’s analogy jolted Noah deeply. For the first time he saw clearly how very greatly he’d changed and what those changes had wrought in his life. He had followed the path he’d thought would bring him happiness. He had believed that reclaiming their lost wealth and status would make him happy again, but now he knew it wouldn’t. Happiness was not related to things. Happiness came from within. In that silent moment of introspection, Noah accepted that he was not happy with himself.

He understood then that his quest to return triumphantly to England with his pockets well lined had carried with it a price far too great to bear. He had forfeited his closeness with Matthew. Not only that, but he had been so wrapped up in his pursuit of riches that he had discovered his love for CC too late to do anything about it. Now she was lost to him, too. The social life he had once thought he’d missed no longer held any appeal for him. He was alone, and he was miserable. Lost in a vortex of despairing, yet revealing, emotions, Noah could not reply for long moments as he stared at his brother.

Matthew, thinking Noah’s silence reflected unspoken anger on his part, went on to defend his position. “Noah, I don’t need money to be happy. I love Faith and the life we live here in Boston. All I want is to ensure that a free and open life will exist for our children and their children after them. It’s for that reason that I support the revolution. I’ve seen the injustices and the high-handed ways of the government officials. I know the Crown is treating us as if we were ignorant children. We are educated men, Noah, who are only demanding rights that should be ours already!” He paused, his troubled gaze fixed on his brother’s stony features. “Please, try to understand. I’m not alone in this. As you well know, the majority of those in Boston supported the dumping of the tea. Even CC Demorest-the daughter of one of the most important British agents in all the colonies-supports us without reservation. You know that.”

“Yes, I know that,” he replied hoarsely, thinking of CC. He loved her, and she was lost to him. So often they had loved and had not known it. She had confessed as much last night, and he’d refused to declare himself, taking umbrage at her effort to help the rebellion. Noah wondered how he could have been so blind not to have recognized what he was feeling, and he silently cursed the pride that was making it difficult for him to admit the truth even now. All this time he had been intent on only one thing-making the money in order to return to England. In the course of that single-mindedness, he had almost missed the very essence that would make his life worth living-CC…beautiful, loving CC. Noah knew a moment of very real anguish as he thought of how he’d humiliated her the night before, and he wondered if her profession of love had been true.

“I wish I could convince you to see things our way.” Matt was becoming more and more dispirited as he talked, for he thought Noah was, once again, refusing to listen. “I hate the fact that this caused a rift between us. I want us to be close again, like we were before all the trouble started…before Father died.”

It occurred to Noah then that that was all he really wanted, too. “All right.” Noah’s reply was quick and brusque and left Matthew completely speechless.

“All right?” Matt finally managed as he stared at him in wonder.

“Yes, all right. You can have the goods.”

“Are you serious?”

“Have you known me to jest lately?” Noah fixed him with a steady regard.

“Well…no…”

“Then you know my answer is serious,” Noah said, suddenly feeling very relieved.

“You’re selling us the goods, the payment doesn’t need to be made until later?” Matt repeated dumbly.

“I’m selling you the goods for the money I’ve already collected. Tell Graves to forget the second payment. We’ve made enough profit just off the first half they’ve paid us to support us both for a while.”

“Noah…I don’t understand.”

“Well, I do, at long last,” Noah sighed. He raked a hand nervously through his dark hair as he glanced up at his younger brother, studying him with glowing eyes. Matt had become a man…a fine, intelligent man, and Noah knew he deserved the truth-all of it. “I’ve been wrong, about a lot of things. And you were very right about the money… I have been obsessed with it, ever since that night…”

“What night?”

“The night James Radcliffe and I quarreled.” Noah looked away as the bitter memories flooded through him, and his hands clenched at his sides as he remembered the vileness of the other man’s accusations.

Matt remained silent for a moment and then asked, “Do you want to talk about it?”

Noah faced him. “I’ve never wanted to before. It was something I believed better off forgotten, but I think it’s long past time that you knew.” Noah took a deep, steadying breath, dredging forth from the depths of his soul all the ugliness of that night. “James had never made a secret of his dislike for me, and when he heard of Father’s death and our resultant losses, he seemed to take particular delight.” Though long suppressed, the memory of James’s sneering attitude and snide, underhanded comments still had the power to fill Noah with angry humiliation. It had been a painful time, and it was only with the greatest of willpower that he forced himself to continue relating all that had taken place. “I had been playing cards in the study with several friends, and he made a point of seeking me out. I had been aware of all the talk, but I was not prepared for such a vicious, open attack…”

“What did he say?”

“James claimed that Father was not only a gambler, but a drunken coward as well. He accused him of committing suicide rather than face up to his losses, and he proclaimed that I was, no doubt, just as much a weakling as he was.”

Matthew paled at the revelation. “Suicide? Father? Never!”

Noah nodded his agreement. “Up until that point, I had been managing to keep myself together. I had withstood the almost continual barrage of criticism and slights, but his insults pushed me beyond all reason. It had been bad enough that it had happened, but to have our family honor insulted was more than I could bear. No matter what else we are, the Kincades are not cowards.”

“I’d always known that James’s insult had to have been grievous to have evoked such hatred in you, but I’d had no idea just how despicable the man really was. No wonder you responded as you did. I’m sorry…” Matt took a conciliatory step toward Noah, his heart aching as he understood finally his brother’s torment.

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” Noah shrugged off his concern.

“No, but I feel now that I should have been there for you. You’ve carried the burden all alone, all this time.”

“It’s better that you didn’t know until now. You see, I’ve been too intent on what we lost. I’d lost sight of all that we had. I had forgotten what was really important in life.”

Matt’s gaze met and held his, and they embraced then, as brothers long parted but now reunited. When they moved apart, the warmth and affection that had long been missing between them for some time had returned.