Richard Kadrey - Sandman Slim

He holds up a copy of To the Devil a Daughter.

I shake my head. "Don't bother."

He makes a disappointed face and tosses the disc back onto the pile.

"You're too hard on yourself, Jimmy." he says. "I'm sure you're simply a much better detective than you give yourself credit for."

"Really, I'm not."

He holds up a copy of L'Inferno, a 1911 silent version of Dante's Inferno.

"You'll love that one," I say. "Why would you tweak things so they ended up with me still alive and Mason in Hell? Either you never saw it coming or you were lying before and you really wanted him Downtown."

"Why would I want Mason where he'll cause me the most trouble?"

"I haven't figured that out yet."

"Don't overthink things. It's not your strong suit. I do have an ulterior motive for coming here tonight, besides raiding your movie collection. Now that you've beaten Mason and the Kissi, there's really no reason for you to be concerned with the Room of Thirteen Doors. I'd like to buy the key from you."

"How much?" . "Name a figure and don't be shy. You can be the richest man in the world. The richest man ever."

"No thanks. Sounds like there'd be a lot of paperwork."

"If you're worried about getting hurt, I'm not a butcher like the Kissi. I can take the key out and you won't feel a thing."

"But I have a feeling I might need it again sometime. You just said that Mason's busy conspiring with your generals. I might have to do something about that, and the key came in handy when I had to to kill a few of them. Besides, I'd still like another shot at Mason, so, thanks, but I think I'll hold on to the key for now."

"Suit yourself."

Lucifer turns away. Starts flipping through another pile of discs. I wish angels weren't so impossible to read. I know that he's got to be pissed, but I can't tell how much.

"But I'll work for you, if you want."

Lucifer turns and looks at me.

"Strictly freelance. On a case-by-case basis. Cash up front. And I have to not object to the job."

"Is this the same deal you offered to Aelita?"

"Exactly."

"All right. But I'd still rather have the key."

I go to the bathroom and take some pebbles from a pot in the window holding the remains of a dead flower. I take the stones back to the bedroom and hand them to Lucifer.

"You can have these."

He looks at them and gives me a big, toothy Prince of Darkness smile.

"Seven stones. Seven stones to chase away the devil. Are you trying to prove that you're not afraid of me, Jimmy? That's adorable. And how very Old Testament. Don't tell me that you've gone and read a book?"

"I saw it in an old monster movie."

"Phew."

Lucifer picks up a stone between his thumb and forefinger, takes my hand, and drops the stone into it.

"Keep it. You just might need it someday, Sandman Slim."

I don't know what that means, but the way he says it makes the hairs stand up on the back of my neck.

He looks at his watch.

"I've got to run. Thanks for the flickers."

He gives me a wink and starts down the stairs.

I yell down after him, "You forgot your bowling bag."

Lucifer looks up at me.

"That's for you. I wasn't entirely sure I was going to give it to you, but after you gave me this lovely gift,"-he holds up the stones-"I think you deserve it."

That doesn't sound good. But if he wanted me dead, he could have done it without me even knowing he was there. I open the bag. Kasabian's head looks up at me from inside.

"Hello, asshole."

I slam the bag shut.

"I can't make these personal calls all the time," Lucifer says. "Kasabian here will be my voice when I want to get in touch. Of course, you can also relay messages to me through him."

"And the rest of the time he'll be your spy."

"O ye of little faith."

Lucifer vanishes from the stairs.

I can hear Kasabian's voice from inside the bag. I open it about an inch.

"Come on, man. You think I wanted this gig? You told me to ask for a job."

I open the bag the rest of the way and take Kasabian out. Clear a spot on the table and set him down.

"Is that a Malediction?" Kasabian asks. "Can I have one?"

I take mine, put it between his lips, and let him puff.

"So what's being dead like?" I ask.

"Eh. I've felt worse."

"You know. I thought I'd be dead now. That's how I always pictured it. When the Circle was gone, I was supposed to be gone, too."

"Aw. Dying didn't work out for you? Boo hoo. Shove your James Dean wet dreams up your ass. At the end of the day, you're still Sandman Slim and I'm still a head in a bag that smells like someone used it to store an extra ass."

"I miss Alice."

"I miss my balls." Kasabian looks around. "Who fucked up my room?"

"It's my room now and you did. When you blew yourself up."

"Oh, right. That sucked. I heard you got Parker."

"Yeah. Back at the old motel."

"I haven't thought about that place in a long time. You think it hurt when you killed him?"

"Definitely."

"Good."

I take a puff of the Malediction and let Kasabian finish it off.

I say, "Maybe us being stuck here isn't the worst thing imaginable."

"No, it is. It really is."

"I've felt so guilty about everything that's happened. Then I remembered that half of this shit is just because humans are jokes to Heaven and Hell. We're the punching bags in their family psychodrama. I know I can't change that, but I can make it more fun. A mosquito can't kill an elephant, but it can drive it crazy. Maybe that's enough. Fucking with Lucifer's bullyboys and God's Pinkertons. Maybe that's a good enough reason not to be dead."

"That's really beautiful. Why don't you go and knit that on a sweater, Heidi? Here's an even better idea-don't talk anymore. Put on a movie."

"What do you want to see?"

"Porn."

"There's no way I'm watching porn with you."

"You're such an old lady. What's on top of the player?"

"Master of the Flying Guillotine and The Good, the Bad and the Ugly."

"The Good, the Bad and the Ugly first. Then The Flying Guillotine."

I take Kasabian to the bedside table, hit on, thumb play on the remote, and lie back on the bed. The no-copying warning comes up.

"Can we order in pizza later?" asks Kasabian.

"Can you eat?"

"I can chew."

"I'll put a bucket under you."

"Shut up. The movie's starting."