Richard Kadrey - Sandman Slim

"Let's just get started."

He takes a stoppered bottle from the counter, opens it, and pours something thick, like Karo syrup, in a line down my chest. Then he takes a sponge-headed brush and paints the stuff across my body, from my neck down to my stomach.

He puts the brush back on the counter and says, "Tell me when that stuff gets warm."

"I think it's there already."

"Close your eyes for a minute."

I close them and he says, "Feel that?"

"No. Did you already put your hand in my chest?"

"Does it feel like I did?"

"No."

"Good. Then you're ready. Feel free to keep your eyes closed."

"Are you going to wear gloves or something, at least?"

"Of course I'm wearing goddamn gloves. I'm not a goddamn Kissi."

"Sorry."

"It's all right."

There's a clank. Like metal on metal.

"What was that?"

"That's bullet one."

"That was easy."

"See? We could have done this a long time ago and saved you some pain."

"I'll call you after my next shooting."

"Or you could try not getting shot."

"Where's the fun in that?"

He laughs a little.

"That's why you and Candy get along. That's what she'd say."

Candy is the last thing I want to talk to Kinski about when he has his hands in my guts.

"What's the going rate for magic surgery?"

Another piece of metal drops.

"It's on the house."

I don't say anything for a minute.

"How the hell do you make a living? You never have any patients and you don't charge me for surgery or for dragging my friends in here. What's going on?"

"You're tensing up. Relax. Every time you move, the bullets shift."

"Okay."

"And for your information, how I make a living is my business, not yours. As for why I don't charge you, let me ask you a question. Have you ever asked yourself how you survived all those years in Hell? Do really think you lived with Hellions and survived the arena because you're that much of a badass?"

"I don't know. I used to think about it, but I could never find any reasons. And I was kind of busy getting my ass kicked, so I stopped worrying about it."

"Well, you're back and there aren't any monsters chasing you right now. Tell me how it is that you, by yourself, managed to stay alive all those years."

"I don't know."

"Guess."

"I don't know. I'm nothing special."

"You think so? You fell into the bottom of the cesspool of Creation, survived and crawled out again. Doesn't that sound just a little special?"

"I don't know."

"Yes, you do. A regular person, a civilian, wouldn't have lasted a day down there, much less eleven years."

Another piece of metal falls.

"What does that mean?" I ask.

"Maybe it means you're different. Maybe it means that you're not who you think you are. Maybe it means you're not entirely human."

I open my eyes and look at him. No matter how hard I look and listen, I can't read him. Can't hear his heart or his breathing. Nothing.

"I don't like where this is going, doc."

"Another minute. We're almost there."

I close my eyes and try to calm my breathing. I didn't like seeing his hands moving around under my skin.

"You haven't answered the question. Are you human or not?"

"If I'm not human, what am I?"

"Same as me. An angel not quite fit for heaven or hell."

Another piece of metal falls. The fifth bullet.

I feel Kinski lean back. Hear him walk to the sink and wash his hands.

He says, "You can put your shirt back on."

I sit up on the table.

"What did you just say to me, man?"

He wipes his hands on a towel and says, "It's going to be harder for you than it is for me. I made concious choices that got me here. Half the universe hated you before you were born."

He moves slowly, choosing his words carefully. That much I can see. He's not high or drunk and he doesn't give off a Looney Tunes vibe. Still.

"Put your shirt on. Let's go have a smoke."

I follow him into the parking lot. The sun hurts my eyes after having them closed. I watch the doc, looking for any signs of obvious craziness. I could make a break for the Benz, but I'm a little woozy from the surgery.

Kinski is looking at me. He takes out a cigarette and offers me the pack. I take one.

"If you don't want to hear this, I'm not going to force you. I just thought that maybe you'd like to know who you are, why certain things have happened to you, and why certain other things are going to happen in the future."

"I'm listening."

"I'm sure Miss Aelita told you about God's great fuckup at the beginning of time. The thing is, there are other stories regular folks aren't supposed to know about. One is about how in the early days of the world, after what happened in Eden, yet another great fuckup, God sent angels to Earth to look after humans. These angels didn't float around in the sky with big white wings and harps. They lived as ordinary people. Had jobs. Farmed. Fought in wars. All the things regular people do. The only thing they couldn't do was fraternize with humanity. They had to remain apart and aloof so that they could be watchful."

I smoked my cigarette and watched the smog rim the clouds with funny shades of blue and gold.

"The problem with this plan is that you can't take anything, even angels, put them in a human body, give them a human life, and not expect them to start feeling and acting just a little human. Even falling in love. Even having children.

"The children these angels had with mortal women were called nephilim. There were a lot of them around once upon a time. Now, not so many."

"Why not?"

"They were killed. So were the angels who fathered them and the mothers who gave birth to them."

"Why?"

"They had to. There had to be no record, no trace that they ever existed. Most of those doing the killing didn't call the children nephilim. They had another name for them."

"Abomination."

Kinski nods.

"Smart boy."

"If you're not Doc Kinski, who the hell are you?"

"They took away my real name when they kicked me out of Heaven. Normally, when an angel falls from grace, that angel ends up with other fallen ones in Hell. That would have been too embarrassing in my case. See, I was an archangel. Uriel, the Guardian of the Earth. If they'd sent me all the way down, they knew what would happen. Lucifer would have thrown me a ticker tape parade. God wasn't going to let that happen. So, here I am. I run a little under-the-radar human fix-it shop next to some nice ladies who do other ladies' nails."

"What did you do to the kicked out of heaven?"

"I killed another angel."

"Why?"

"He deserved it."

I flick the remains of my cigarette out into the parking lot.

"Can I get another?"

The doc offers me one from the pack. I light it with Mason's lighter.

"Does Vidocq knew about this nephilim thing?"

"You mean, does he know what you are? He's a smart man who's read a lot of book. He can do the math."

"This is fucking ridiculous. I'm no goddam angel."

"Sure, you're a perfectly normal boy. You were born able to do more magic than most Sub Rosa learn in a lifetime. You survived Hell. You saved the world and you corraled the Kissi. Typical underachiever."

A skinny kid in a striped shirt and backward baseball cap comes out of the pizza joint, carrying a pile of boxes to the delivery van.

The doc nods toward him. "That kid is smarter than both of us put together. He's got a car and all the pizza he can eat. What more does a man need?"

He smiles at his own joke. It's the first time I've seen him be anything but serious.

"If I believe all this, where does that leave me?"

The smile fades.

"Not anywhere good, I am sorry to say. You're an Abomination. You'll always be an Abomination. Hell hates you for being more than a human and Heaven hates you for being less than an angel."