Tim Pratt - Sympathy for the Devil

It is winter and a fire burns in the fireplace. At the rear of each room a latticed window looks out on the alley behind Faustus’s apartment. At the beginning of the scene Wagner leaves the commons for his study and Albergus continues his conversation with Faustus.

Albergus: Of course the power that comes from the blood of unbaptized infants is only good during months without an “r” in them. My colleague Master Bateman, here, is an expert in such matters.

Bateman (smiling): I before e except after c.

Faustus: You know, to look at those teeth you’d swear they were real.

Wagner returns from the study.

Wagner: I cannot find them, Master.

Faustus: Of course you can’t. Frater Albergus, meet my apprentice, Wagner. Don’t let the feckless demeanor fool you. He really is a Renaissance dope.

Faustus exits.

Albergus: How long have you been Doctor Faustus’s fag, my boy?

Wagner: Two years.

Albergus: Yet he treats you abominably. Why do you put up with it?

Wagner: I am a student of the magical arts. I seek knowledge.

Albergus: What sort of knowledge?

Wagner: The Meaning of Life.

Bateman: Big, beautiful, brown eyes are The Meaning of Life.

Albergus: He means magical knowledge. Am I right, son?

Wagner (hesitates): No. Learned sir, please keep my confidence. I have seen the most beautiful woman here, in Faustus’s apartments. And yet she is not here, nor have I ever spied her entering or leaving. How I long to meet her! To get to converse with her.

Bateman: Have a friendly little chat. Discuss theology. Geometry. Anatomy.

Albergus: Was this woman Greek?

Wagner: How can one tell if a woman is Greek?

Bateman: There’s a trick they do with…

Albergus: Enough, Bateman!

Faustus: Wagner! Get your sorry butt in here!

Exit Wagner

Albergus: We proceed apace, Bateman! See the way Faustus accepted our introduction from Doctor Phutatorious at face value. Now I must draw him out. The Pope will not tolerate these magical tricks any longer. We must expose this Faustus as a dealer with the devil, discover his contract, confiscate his magic book, and drag him before the Inquisition.

Clock: NINE O’CLOCK. THE TEMPERATURE IS TWELVE DEGREES. DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR CHILDREN ARE?

Bateman (looking warily at Clock): I don’t know about you, but I’d rather not end up as a piece of furniture.

Albergus (absorbed in his machinations): And now hear what this slack fool says. This woman he speaks of must be Helen! But we need proof more positive than this. Now hurry and find us some students we can use as spies. Have them report to my rooms at the inn directly tomorrow morning.

Bateman leaves. Faustus and Wagner return from the study and Faustus sets down a box of cigars. Wagner sits on a stool in the corner. During the ensuing conversation he occasionally rises to refill their cups with wine.

Albergus: So tell me, learned Faustus, how you discovered the secret of this miraculous alembic.

Faustus: Never mind that, pick a card.

Faustus proffers a deck of tarot cards. When Albergus just stares he folds them away, leans forward over his glass of wine, places one end of a cigar into his mouth, lights the other from the candle flame. He puffs a few times, then exhales a plume of smoke across the table at Albergus. He pushes the wooden box forward.

Faustus: Sorry your friend had to leave so soon. Have a cigar.

As Albergus reaches out to take one…

Faustus: Just one.

Albergus: To be sure.

Albergus examines the cigar; he has never seen anything like this before and is not ready to take any chances with a magician like Faustus.

Albergus: Ah? What is the nature of this? This “see-gar” you burn here, Faustus? Albertus Magnus speaks of securing rooms against evil spirits by burning certain herbs, but he advocates the use of a brazier. Does not this smoke taste noxious to the palate?

Faustus: I’ve had better smokes, but you won’t be able to get them for a couple of hundred years. I just burn these ropes to drive the bugs away.

Albergus (sniffs): There does not seem to be any hint of cinnabar. How did you come by these instruments?

Faustus: That’s an interesting story. I was riding a double-decker down Broadway and when we took the corner to 42nd Street on two wheels (the driver was a dyspeptic Abyssinian) a young woman fell into my lap. Imagine my chagrin. Naturally I took her home with me and we became devoted friends. In the divorce settlement she got the Hemingway manuscripts, I got these stogies.

Albergus: In Nuremberg it is rumored you have had much success in conjuring the shades of historical figures.

Faustus: Hysterical figures. And I do mean figures. Remind me sometime to introduce you to Helen.

Wagner spills the wine.

Faustus: Try again, boy: cup outside, wine inside.

Albergus (pushing Wagner away as he tries to mop up the wine): Helen of Troy?

Faustus: Troy, Schenectady? One of those towns.

Albergus: So you have indeed raised the dead?

Faustus: She only acts that way in the mornings. Lithium deficiency.

Wagner finishes mopping the spilled wine.

Albergus: Have you heard the reports of the astounding incidents that took place recently in Rome? It is said that some sorceror, invisible, plucked food and drink right out of the Pope’s mouth. Then, to humiliate the papists further, this same necromancer stole the heretic Bruno away from the Inquisition and whisked him off to Austria. A most clever trick. I only wish I’d been able to manage it myself. The person responsible for bearding the Antichrist’s tool in his own den must be the most powerful mage in all of Europe. Who do you suppose that might be?

Faustus: Are you going to smoke that cigar or eat it? Go ahead! You can pay me later.

Albergus: Pay you? Alas, Faustus, I have but little coin in pocket.

Clock: NINE THIRTY. MAYBE YOU SHOULD CHECK YOUR WALLET.

Faustus: Money, money, money! I’m sick to death of this talk of money! It’s destroying our marriage! These cigars would cost a couple of guilders on the open market. Of course it’s closed now, so you’re left to your own devices. You did bring your devices, didn’t you?

Albergus: What sort of?

Faustus: If not, you’ll have to get your brothers to help you.

Albergus: I have no brothers.

Faustus: Your father must have been relieved.

Albergus: My dear Faustus, do not insult me. I may only be an itinerant scholar, but I’ve come all the way from Nuremberg to sit at your feet and learn.

Faustus: As long as you’re down there, how about shining those shoes.

Albergus: You do not mean what you say.

Faustus: Let me tell you a thing or two about what I mean.

FAUSTUS’ SONG:

When I took this job

I told the dean

You play it nice

I’ll play it mean

It don’t pay to mess with the Wittenberg Man

The Greatest Scholar in all of Europe.

I’ll clean your clock

I’ll drink your hock

I’ll be your friend

Until the end

Or something better comes along.

Wagner: It’s true, it’s true

He’s beat me black and blue

Don’t mess with the Wittenberg Man

The Wisest Guy in all of Europe.

Faustus: I’ve got my magical clock

And a book full of spells

I make deals with the spirits

I wear a cap with bells

I’ve got a dog with a bone

The philosopher’s stone

So tell all your sages

All your magical mages

It don’t pay to mess with the Wittenberg Man

The Faustest Doctor in all of Europe.

Albergus: Don’t get me wrong, gentle colleague

I’m not here to try your patience

I’ve come to praise your great achievements

Learn to follow your investigations