Andy McNab: Recoil

Zaire, Central Africa 2 October 1985 14:27 hours

Davy had offloaded his 175 Yamaha and gone ahead to recce the valley. He'd be back soon, unless the rebels had caught him. We'd been training Mobutu's troops against these guys, and we knew that knitting baby bootees and collecting china thimbles wasn't high on their list of favourite hobbies.

When you're up against the kind of guys who routinely machete off an entire village's lips because one of the locals has been overheard saying something not nice about the president, you know it's time to check chamber.

Our four ancient, rusting Renault trucks were spread out and static just below the crest of the high ground. The drivers had killed their engines the moment we got here. It wasn't something you'd normally do with old wagons like these, in case they refused to fire up again, but we didn't have a whole lot of choice; the Zaireans had only been able to find us a couple of dozen jerry-cans of fuel at such short notice, and those engines drank like a Swede on a stag night.

The early-afternoon sun was relentless. So were the flies. The fuckers had found us within minutes and it took a never-ending Thai hand dance to keep them out of my face. I wiped sweat from my eyes with the corner of a red gingham tablecloth I'd ripped in half and draped over my head and shoulders. I'd put the other half to good use too: it covered the working parts of my GPMG.

I opened the top cover and let the belt of 7.62mm link drop out. I lifted the feed tray, peered into the empty chamber and smoothed away a few grains of sand with a finger. We'd been bouncing along dirt tracks all the way from Kinshasa, and even the high commissioner's table linen couldn't stop the stuff finding its way into every nook and cranny. It didn't matter that my nose and eyes were full of grit, but it would if it got into the working parts and the gun jammed at just the moment I needed it to go bang.

Satisfied that the feed tray and chamber were shit-free, I cradled the link in my left hand as I threaded it back on to the feed tray. Then I slammed the top cover down again and thumped it with my fist for good measure; the belt was firmly in place. I gave the gun's ancient wooden carry handle a jiggle to make sure the bipod was wedged firmly between the two sandbags lashed to the bonnet. We didn't know how many rebels there were down in the valley, or how well they were armed, but when the shit hit the gingham I wanted to be giving as good as I got.

I winced as I sat down. The seat covers were baking hot; so was the bodywork, steering-wheel, you name it. The whole front of the vehicle was open to the sun. We'd only had an hour to get our shit together, but we'd managed to strip the Renaults to the bone to make their profile as low as possible. We'd ripped the canopies off the cabs, the rear frame and canvas. There were sandbags where the windscreen used to be to provide a gun platform and the illusion of protection against small arms.

'Mad dogs and Englishmen…' Sam muttered, behind the wheel. In his Glasgow growl, even 'Good morning' sounded like a death threat.

'Mad Jocks, more like it,' I said.

Sam and I were both wearing cheap market sunglasses, and old woolly gloves to protect our hands against the UVA. He also sported his trademark wide-brimmed and very sweat-stained bush hat; if I'd been a pale-faced, skirt-wearing oatmeal savage I'd have done the same. Sam was so fair-skinned he got burned by a fridge light.

He checked the watch that hung from his neck on a piece of para cord. 'That's an hour he's been gone.' He kept it inside his shirt so the sun didn't glint off the glass and give our position away. Basic fieldcraft: shine was just one of the things that had to be concealed when moving tactically cross-country; shape was another – which was why we were below the crest of the hill and not on top of it.

I hoped Davy hadn't broken down. The Yammy wasn't exactly in showroom condition. We'd stolen it from outside a bar on the outskirts of the capital. With luck the poor fucker it belonged to didn't depend on it for his livelihood.

Way in the distance, a few clouds dotted the sky. I wondered whether there was any chance of them teaming up and delivering a downpour. Anything to clear the heat haze bouncing off the scrubland in front of me.

Somewhere down in the dead ground in front of us there was an old plantation, abandoned when the Belgian colonials finally did a runner in the sixties, and inside the gated walls a cavalcade of Mercs: it had been heading west to rendezvous somewhere along Zaire's thirty-six kilometres of South Atlantic coastline with a fast boat from the American Third Fleet. They'd got this far, but couldn't go any further. Rebels – nobody knew how many – were blocking the only road out.

The int we'd been given was sketchy. All we knew was that the limos had stuff in the boot that nobody was telling us much about, and three officials from the British High Commission were stranded alongside them. Their job had been to liaise with the Zaireans and supervise the handover to the Americans.

'Politically sensitive material,' was all Captain Standish, the team's rupert, was telling us. 'Important to the West's relationship with Mobutu.'

The joke going round the team was that the most sensitive material of all was the stuff covering Annabel's tits; she was one of the three from the High Commission and Standish had been shagging her from the day we'd arrived. He was stupid enough to think we didn't know.

We'd been in Zaire a month, training Mobutu's military to fire their weapons and use explosives without killing themselves – or us. We'd put all that on hold for a day or two when trouble brewed in the capital. Our students were needed to quell opposition on the streets.

Mobutu had been calling the shots, controlling a country the size of Western Europe for nearly two decades now. He was supported by the West, who saw him as a counterbalance to Soviet influence in the region, but that still didn't make him the sort of guy you'd want marrying your sister.

He had consolidated his position in the early days by publicly executing anyone who even looked like they might become a political rival. Pierre Mulele, a rebel leader, was lured back on the promise of amnesty, but was tortured and killed by Mobutu's boys. While he was still alive his eyes were gouged out, his bollocks were ripped off, and his limbs were amputated one by one. You could see where our machete-wielding mates got their ideas from.

Mobutu had nationalized foreign-owned firms and forced European investors out of the country. His favourite trick was to hand the management over to relatives and close associates; theirs was to plunder the companies' assets until the pips squeaked. It caused such a slump that Mobutu was forced to try to reverse the process. He'd needed Belgian aid to help repulse an attack by rebels based in Angola, and he needed us to help him out now.

Despite everything, he'd been re-elected – but that's not so difficult if all the other potential candidates are just too scared to stand.

His minister of information did the rest. The evening news was trailed by an image of the Father of the Nation descending through clouds from the heavens. It was our favourite moment of the day. There were more portraits of the Saviour of the People than you could shake a machete at – every public building had a dozen of them, and government officials even wore them in their lapels.

It wasn't altogether surprising that the natives were getting a bit restless. Most were living in mud huts and dying of starvation, while our new best mate Mobutu had tucked away nearly five billion US in numbered Swiss bank accounts. This was almost equivalent to the country's total foreign debt, but we, the US and even the IMF were still giving him loans.