Andy McNab - War torn

'I think he leave at base… except maybe they go on operation for a few days.'

'Well Dave rang me a few hours ago. Which would be early morning in Afghanistan…'

'He say they leave base?'

'Well of course not, Agnieszka, he doesn't say that kind of thing. And there's no way Dave could have phoned and sounded normal if anything had happened to Jamie.'

But there had been a sense of bustle and urgency in the phone call which suggested they were going somewhere. Now she looked back, the call felt like something which had been slotted in because he might not have another chance to ring her again soon. She bit her lip.

'Maybe they leave base and something terrible happen…'

Jenny thought hard. 'Look, I'll try Adi. If anything's happened she'll know, she always knows everything.'

'But,' breathed Agnieszka, 'you not tell! About secret mobile!'

'No. But I can't call her for a few hours. She gets up early, I'll ring after seven.'

'After seven o'clock!'

Agnieszka sounded stricken.

'Well, I can't call her at two in the morning!'

'But… Jamie!'

Jenny sighed. She imagined her own panic if she had received such a message about Dave.

'OK, OK, I'll phone her now.'

'What will you say?'

'I'm not sure yet. I'll call you back.'

'You don't mention secret mobile?'

'No, no.'

It was a while before Adi answered the phone. Her voice was clogged by sleep. For a few moments she did not understand who was calling her.

'Oh, Jenny, Jenny, I was having such a dream. I was in Fiji… Honey, is it the baby? Is it coming? Do you need me?'

'No, it's nothing to do with the baby. Adi, I feel terrible calling you in the night…'

'Listen, I know you would only call me at this time with a problem so tell Adi what it is.'

Her voice was settling down into its usual rhythms. It was losing its sleep rust.

'There is a problem. But it's not mine. Adi, have you heard from Sol lately?'

'Not for a few days, darling. And I don't think many people heard yesterday because they closed the phones for a while.'

'Oh, God!'

The phones were shut down for a death or serious casualty. If anyone in any FOB anywhere was killed, the men couldn't call out until relatives had been informed.

'Something could have happened on the other side of Helmand, our boys wouldn't even know about it.'

'Dave rang me at about ten thirty.'

'So they reopened the phones. Did he say why they closed them?'

'No… nothing.'

'He called you and everything's all right?'

'I think everything was all right then. They might have been leaving the base.'

'Honey, I don't understand, what's going on with you?'

'Agnieszka's worried about Jamie.'

There was a silence.

'She rang you in the night to tell you?'

'She rang me in a terrible state. She thinks he's dead.'

'But why?'

Jenny wavered. She was about to lie to her friend. And it wasn't even her own lie. It was Agnieszka's lie. She felt resentful. Why should she keep Agnieszka's secrets? Then she remembered why: because she had promised she would.

'It's some kind of special day for them, an anniversary or something, and he swore he'd phone. And he didn't.'

'But she can't expect him to keep a promise like that, it's impossible. The phones could be broken or he might be busy or outside the FOB…'

'She's so upset.'

Adi began to sound annoyed: 'And she's got you upset too, and for no good reason. Why isn't she ringing the Welfare people with her worries instead of someone who's about to have a baby? Or better still, don't ring anyone. She should just wait.'

'You're right. But it's not very nice waiting for bad news.'

'It's not very nice getting bad news. But she hasn't.'

'No.'

'Tell her to stop worrying.'

'OK, Adi.'

'Listen, honey, we could all lie alone in our beds worrying all night and phoning our friends so they worry too. But we don't let ourselves. Do we?'

Adi was right, as usual. There were a lot of things you dared not let yourself think about. And you certainly wouldn't let your friends start thinking those things either.

'OK. Thanks, Adi. Sorry I woke you.'

'And don't you worry now, not about nothing! You get rest like the doctor said.'

Jenny rang Agnieszka back. The line was engaged. Who was Agnieszka calling now? She waited and redialled. Still busy. Her eyes closed. A huge weariness engulfed her. Maybe Agnieszka's phone was engaged because Jamie was calling at last. Or maybe she was talking to Welfare. Or to that man. Jenny had promised Dave she would tell no one about the man she'd seen with Agnieszka. And now she had promised Agnieszka that she would tell no one, not even Dave, about the illicit mobile. Also, she had lied to Adi. Her life was beginning to feel full of secrets and they weren't even her secrets, they were Agnieszka's. Agnieszka waited for Jenny to phone back. The minutes ticked past. Was Jenny still talking to Adi? Was she phoning other people? Had she fallen asleep?

Her anxiety was like a massive machine waiting to run her over. Her nerves throbbed as she listened to the silence, listened for a car stopping outside. Then the doorbell. Then the Families Officer. Standing on the doorstep with news that would crush her like a great juggernaut.

Jamie dead. Jamie not there any more. Jamie's body in a big, dark bag and then a wooden box, buried in the cold ground. Jamie icy and unfeeling, Jamie without love or warmth or life inside him. Jamie unable to put his arms around her or hold Luke. Had all his absences been a way of preparing her for this final, awful absence? She wanted to howl with pain, howl like a wolf.

Still no phone, no car. The silence assumed huge proportions of its own as she waited for it to end. It seemed to get bigger as it went on and on, like a sound getting louder. Except it was silence. She was almost grateful when Luke started to whine. She went in to him. His cot was on wheels. She rocked it over a bump in the rug she had made by stuffing towels under it and he went back to sleep. The unbearable silence resumed.

If only there was someone. But there was only Jamie and he was out there. Last night there had been a TV programme about the Arctic and how it was melting. Instead of being shocked by this, Agnieszka had been horrified by its kilometres of white emptiness. The wasteland had reminded her of her own life. A polar bear floating on a small iceberg through freezing seas, far from other polar bears or any life at all, had made her weep with sad recognition.

Then she had an idea.

She reached for the phone.

After a few rings, a sleepy voice answered.

'Yes?'

'Hello…' She spoke quietly.

The voice was surprised. It was uncertain. And it was wide awake.

'Hello?'

'Who is this?'

But she could tell he knew who it was. He was just scared to hope he was right.

'It me.'

'Aggie?'

'Yes.'

'Aggie!'

Surprise. Pleasure. Then a realization that this was around 2 a.m.

'Aggie, are you all right?'

'Help me, Darrel. You always fix everything. So now I ask for help.'

'Aggie, I'll fix anything I can. What's happened?'

'Oh, God, something so awful I can't stand it.'

'Tell me.'

'I sorry to ring in night.'

'Well, I wasn't busy. I was only sleeping.'

'I don't know what to do…'

'Tell me, Aggie.'

It was a relief to tell him. The call to Jenny had been awkward, full of guilt and confession. And she had sensed Jenny's disapproval. Now she was talking to someone who really cared about her, who could share her concern and understand it.

'Listen, when my husband go to Afghanistan he take a secret little telephone…'

She finished the story, her throat catching on the words Jamie is dead.