Andrew Vachss - The Weight

I wondered why I’d never brought that up to Solly.

I was still thinking that over when the girl walked in.

“You really love this place, huh?”

“Who wouldn’t? It’s the best setup I ever saw in my life.”

“You know what? I’ve been thinking. About what I told you before. You know, about how I couldn’t get Albie to ever use all this, but he sure liked watching me doing it?”

“Sure.”

“Well, I liked it myself.”

“Working out?”

“No. I hate that. But being watched, that I liked. I know you think I stayed with Albie because of all the money. And I’m not going to say it didn’t matter. At first, I mean. But I don’t want you thinking Albie watching me work out was like some slobbery old pig watching me hump a pole.

“I got something from Albie that I never got from anyone. He… appreciated me. He was always telling me I was beautiful. To Albie, I was still a young girl, like when we first met.

“And not just that. It was always, ‘Read this, Rena.’ Or ‘Come and watch the news with me.’ We’d… talk about things. I got… I guess you could say I got an education. Not like college. I could have gone if I wanted, but I learned more from Albie. Being around him.”

“Solly said he was a real smart man.”

“Smart, that’s nothing. Albie was deep . He’d say something; I’d say, ‘Albie, I don’t understand.’ And you know what he’d say? ‘So go and think about it, Rena.’ And sometimes-a lot of times, in fact-I’d end up figuring it out. Then I’d go ask Albie if that was it… if I really understood it or not. And when I got it right, he was so… I don’t know… proud of me. I can’t even explain…”

She started crying then. Moaning like she lost something she could never get back. If she was faking, she fooled me.

I went over and sat next to her on the padded bench-press board. She turned into my chest. I just held her there until she stopped crying. I knew it was real, because she stopped little by little, not like she hit some ON/OFF switch.

I didn’t know what to say, so I just stayed there.

“You know what else?” she said, after she got her breath. “Never once in his whole life did Albie raise his hand to me.”

I didn’t say anything.

“I know what you’re thinking,” she said. “An old guy like him, I could probably break him in half if he ever tried.”

Fuck me, that was what I’d been thinking.

“You didn’t know him. Albie was a hard man. People would come here to talk to him. Some of those people, you’d get scared just looking at them.

“I don’t mean they were… big or anything. You can see guys like that in any club. You know, bouncers-just big guys with muscles. These men I’m talking about, they were like off a different planet. Their eyes. The way they moved. It felt like, if you touched them, you’d get freezer burn.

“In a way, they all looked alike. I can’t explain it, but they really did. Very… controlled, I guess you’d say. But mostly it was the cold. You know how people get in bars? All mouthy, ‘I can kick your ass’ stuff. These men, you could see they’d never say anything like that. They wouldn’t have to-they had those life-taker eyes.”

“I’ve seen that.”

“Wilson… that’s not your name, right?”

“Right.”

“You trust me enough to-?”

“Sugar. That’s what people call me.”

“Okay. Sugar, no disrespect, but I don’t think we’re talking about the same thing.”

“I have seen those eyes, Rena. The same ones you’re talking about.”

“In prison, right?”

I just nodded.

“Tell me about them.”

“Them?”

“The people who had those eyes. They weren’t all the same, were they?”

“I don’t know.”

“You know what people are in for, don’t you?”

“I guess so. Most of the time, anyway.”

“So you don’t mean murderers, necessarily?”

“For those eyes? No. There’s people you know you can’t fuck with. Just by looking at them.”

“Guys like you?”

“No. I mean… ah, you can’t tell by this,” I said, flexing the arm I had around her. “It’s not size. Or even strength. It’s that… you said it yourself, a coldness, like. You know, someone like that, he will kill you, no matter what it costs him. That’s what I mean.”

“I understand. But that’s not what Albie’s friends were like. The men you’re talking about, they’d kill you only if you did something to them, right? The ones who kill for fun, for the thrill or whatever, they didn’t have those eyes?”

“No,” I said, thinking about this psycho locked in Ad-Seg the same time I was there. I don’t remember his name, but he was always shouting out the names of the girls he’d killed, saying this one was better than that one, because it took her longer to die. I passed right by him one time on the way back from the shower. His eyes were like a foaming mouth on a dog.

“Albie’s friends, you could see it. And not just in their eyes. Everything about them. They’d kill you if they were… I don’t know, if they were supposed to. And it wouldn’t mean anything to them. They wouldn’t get a kick out of it, and it wouldn’t make them upset, either. They’d just do it.”

“They were all like that? Albie’s friends, I mean.”

“Every single one. Albie was very polite about it, but I always knew they were going to speak Jewish-Yiddish or Hebrew, I mean-and I wouldn’t understand a word. Maybe that’s why they didn’t care if I was around. Or not.”

“Were you scared of them?”

“No. No, I never was.”

“That is different from the guys I was talking about.”

“So you understand? What I said about Albie never hitting me?”

“Yeah. I do-now.”

“You sure? Because I’ll tell you something: I don’t care if you think I’m some minor-league Anna Nicole. But you can never think Albie was some old fool.”

“I wouldn’t ever think that. Solly said-”

“Well, now I’m saying. And we never got married, anyway.”

Later, when I was alone, never got married kept running through my head. Solly said he had Albie’s will, but he never said who was supposed to get what.

If Albie took care of Rena with his will, she wouldn’t see a penny unless Solly showed the will in court or whatever they have to do.

Rena, she had to know that. So why didn’t Solly just put it on the line? Just buy that little book?

It had to mean Rena didn’t even know there was a little book, the twin to the one Solly had. Because, if I just told her there was money in it for her, why would she care if I tore up the whole house looking for it?

It was a real mess to start with. And now I had to think about those friends of Albie’s showing up, too.

I don’t do good like this. If you tell me what my job is, I’ll do it. And if I get caught doing it, I’ll never tell on you. But I’m not one of those guys who can just work things out as they go along.

Maybe I couldn’t find this Jessop, but I found a place to buy a prepaid cell easy enough-I didn’t want to use any of the ones in that suite.

“I’m still down here,” I said.

“You called to tell me this?”

“I called to ask you about that… paper you have. The one that says where all your friend’s stuff is supposed to go.”